Explaining out of wedlock pregnancy to children

amother ↓

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 8:33 pm

My cousin just had a baby out of wedlock-- she is in her 40s, never married, first child. She was in a relationship (which has since pretty much ended), and the pregnancy was not an accident. My question: How do I explain to my older dcs (girl age 9, boy age 6) when the inevitable questions begin?

I edited your title, please PM me with any concerns. -Crayon210

justanothermother ↓

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 8:37 pm

That's a really tough one. I don't have an answer for you, but when I saw the topic title in the school age children forum, I was expecting a very different problem. Phew.

**My comment makes no sense now that crayon edited the title**

Last edited by justanothermother on Mon, Apr 07 2008, 11:12 pm; edited 1 time in total

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 8:42 pm

You're right-- I realize now how it must appear-- is there another better choice of forums for this question? We are in a real quandry, as this topic will need to be addressed in our home in some fashion....

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 8:49 pm

I'll have to see if I can get back to you on that because someone I know had a similar experience, but with a lesbian relationship, and I'll ask her what she told her children.

Clarissa ↓

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 8:51 pm

Your children will encounter single parent households at some point in their lives, so it's not totally shocking. As far as her having a baby alone, you can just say that, while the ideal is for a husband and wife to make their babies together, this particular person wanted a baby to love and decided to do so on her own. If the question is about how she did it, you can just say that a very nice man provided the part that was missing, with a doctor's help.

We know several "different" kinds of families, and my son has been asking these questions since he was four. As he's matured, I've been able to make my answers more sophisticated.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 9:13 pm

OP here-- My 9 year old daughter is not a big questioner... She has not asked detailed questions about how babies are made and while I am in favor of providing accurate age appropriate information, I have not pushed the subject since she hasn't asked. My 6 year old son on the other hand is a little philosopher and follows vague answers with more specific questions....

↑ Clarissa ↓

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 9:15 pm

Are you nervous the questions will be about the procreational aspects of the situation, or the fact that a woman is having a child alone, without a husband?

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 9:22 pm

Hmmm, Clarissa, you know, that's quite a good point. I think I actually am more nervous about how to answer the procreational questions that get smoothed over with the whole "when a mommy and a daddy are married" bit. And since the kids have not realy asked, it has not been addressed. While I realize that it should be addressed at a certain point, this situation is not my idea of an ideal way to address this topic for the first time.

↑ Clarissa ↓

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 9:46 pm

My son asked about this, before I had explained the specifics of how babies are made. So I told him that there is a very special way that each one gives a tiny part to make the baby. So when he asked how it was done without a mommy and a daddy, I explained the way I said before -- that you still need both parts for a baby, but in this case a nice person helped give the missing part so that the baby could be born. He never probed further at that point, and seemed satisfied. Later, as his questions matured, so did my answers.

↑ Clarissa

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 9:48 pm

Hannah! wrote:

Why not just say "Cousin X had a baby", and if they say "but she isn't married" explain that she isn't frum so she didn't follow the halacha of getting married before having a baby.

A woman in our local Orthodox shul also had a baby on her own, using a sperm donor, and with the guidance and support of her rav.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 9:49 pm

Quote:

Why not just say "Cousin X had a baby", and if they say "but she isn't married" explain that she isn't frum so she didn't follow the halacha of getting married before having a baby

this for me is giving them a choice and for me is not a very good answer.
better tell them that some parents live apart.
\my kids are young too and they know about divorced friends and some kids that the father C"VS past away.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 10:07 pm

I appreciate the input. My dh was in favor of the not frum explanation, but I wasn't so sure if that was the best approach in that it still leaves some confusion as to how that factors in. I like your ideas Clarissa-- I will try that explanation. I am not very good at coming up with explanations on the spot I am afraid I'll say too much or too little, and when I don't know what to say I usually say too much.

peach

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 10:12 pm

amother wrote:

I am not very good at coming up with explanations on the spot I am afraid I'll say too much or too little, and when I don't know what to say I usually say too much.

If your child asks a question that you're not sure how to answer, you can say: "That's a really good question, and I need to think of a really good answer. I'll get back to you about that one in a little while" and then either think of a good answer or consult with someone who can help you do so.

sleepyhead

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 10:12 pm

I was once reading a halachic discussion about what is considered adultery with non jews , as far as the seven noach mitzvos are concerned. It discussed the fact that since their marriages are not "halachic", merely LIVING TOGETHER as a couple and being devoted to each other makes them "a couple". In such a case, if one is unfaithful to the other, it is considered adultery. (Don't quote me here!!!!)

The pont in my rambling is this: Can you explain to your children that although someone did not have a halachic marriage, if they lived together and were good to each other like husband and wife, then Hashem could give them a child? Your cousin could have been "living with this guy like her husband" even though he really wasn't.

Did this long megilla make any sense at all???? If not, please ignore or tell me to delete!!!!!!

↑ amother

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 10:32 pm

No, sleepyhead, it does make a lot of sense. My initial thought was to say that they were together, implying married, and that they no longer were together, implying divorce. But the dishonesty of it bothered me. If it is OK to say, and I think it is, I am genuinely happy for my cousin. I feel that a baby is a joy beyond words or reason, and I am happy for her that she can be a mother despite the fact that she did not find a partner-- I realize how unhalachic this feeling is, but look, the baby is here now and deserves an uneqivocally joyous welcome by his whole family. I will follow Peach's advice, but ahead of time. What I need to do is figure out various ways of explaining a baby's "arrrival" that I am comfortable with and feel will mesh with my children's ages and maturity levels before I speak to them. That's hard though, and I suspect my main concern in my original question. To anyone who has already dealt with this concept with their kids, I'd appreciate any and all suggestions.

ganizzy

Mon, Apr 07 2008, 11:02 pm

this doesnt answer ur q' but it reminds me of a story.

when I was in shul on yom kippur (I was staying next door attached so able to bring dd) with my oldest who was then a crawling baby, this 3-4 yr old adorable kid took the oppurtinity when it was quiet (maybe during shmone esrai?) to ask me where my baby is from.
I answered shes my baby and I brought her to shul. she had come with her father and wandered into the womens section to play with my dd and now asks even louder - but where did u get her from? so out of options in a very quiet full shul, I told her hashem gave her to me. so she says (really loudly) ok, bec my baby came from the shuk (big supermarket in ch)

I have to attribute it to y"k that everyone didnt start laughing