IBD/crohns/colitis as a secret?

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 1:26 pm

Hi, an immediate family member (think spouse, child, self) is going for testing this week and may (probably will) just come out with an IBD diagnosis.

If you or an immediate family member has a diagnosis of IBD, do you keep it a secret? Let everyone know? Let only certain ppl know?
And why?

Thank you.

amother

Mulberry ↓

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 1:28 pm

My spouse has it and he prefers it be kept secret from my family, but his family knows. My family has probably figured it out because we needed childcare for my kids when I went with him for testing etc etc

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 1:34 pm

Thanks!!
I told my family and a few sisters-in-law.

I come from a real secretive-for-shidduchim family...
do you worry about your children's shidduchim?

I know it's not officially hereditary, but it's found in families.
(I have a relative with it, and as soon as the dr heard that, antenna went up up up)

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 1:35 pm

sequoia wrote:

Pretty hard to conceal, what with the weight loss...

They only part I enjoyed was weight loss.. Confused

But as soon as I started meds for symptoms, the weight loss stopped, because I was able to hold food in...

amother

↑ Mulberry

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 1:36 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Well, it’s definitely something you need to disclose at some point during the dating process.

I don’t worry so much because shidduchim are in Hashem’s hand

amother

Opal

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 1:46 pm

amother [ Mulberry ] wrote:

Well, it’s definitely something you need to disclose at some point during the dating process.

I don’t worry so much because shidduchim are in Hashem’s hand

IMO, you only need to mention it if the child in question has a diagnosis.

watergirl

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 2:45 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Does “secretive for shidduchim” = lying? If so, then thats an issue.

If someone won’t let their kid marry your kid because of this, do you want them?

Chayalle

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 3:43 pm

I wouldn't think someone whose relative has Crohn's needs to disclose that in shidduchim. But I definitely think the person themself must disclose. Would be a huge breech of trust if they didn't.

One of my siblings dated a guy who told her he had Crohn's. She continued to date him (after discussing with a doctor). It didn't work out for personal reasons.

amother

Hawthorn

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 5:24 pm

My dh has Crohn's. We told my parents and in laws right away and asked them not to tell anyone. Of course, mil shared with the whole extended family within 24 hours so there went my husband's prreference for privacy. Most of both our families know by now. It's not a secret but not something we necessarily broadcast.
My oldest is 10 but I doubt it's something we need to disclose for shidduchim.

Also, although it's not fun or pleasant in any way, please know that Crohn's is not a death sentence in any way. I remember how devastated I was when my husband was diagnosed. Bh Bh it's quite a bunch of years later and he is doing great! Crohn's does not rule his life in any way. There's hope.

amother

Emerald ↓

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 5:30 pm

My very young dd has crohns.
We were told not to share too much by rabbanim we are close to.
(My siblings also have and told their spouses when dating. They were given guidelines for when and at the time to give over all details).
She knows it’s not a secret and I think she has told some friends but I don’t see a reason to go around telling the world.
The school nurse kind of knows.
Her teachers know when needed.
BH it is extremely under control and she has no symptoms right now. I don’t feel a need for all her elementary teachers to know her medical condition.
In retrospect I’m happy few ppl in the school know or friends or even family. They treat her like a regular kid. Which she is.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 5:41 pm

To clarify,
My relative who was diagnosed with IBD many years ago kept it a secret. Parents feared siblings shidduchim and child's shidduchim.

OF COURSE relative revealed it while dating (maybe 4th date?)
But it wasn't something for the world at large (or even teachers/grandparents) to know about.

amother

Yellow

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 6:06 pm

My DH has Crohn's (diagnosed after marriage) and I am very open about it. If a shidduch doesn't come through for my kids because of it, so be it. I am not in favor of keeping life secret for fear of shidduchim.

amother

Diamond ↓

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 6:16 pm

My son was diagnosed at 16 after experiencing pain that the Dr. thought might be appendicitis. He was immediately treated with steriods and subsequently put on immunotherapy medication. Since that initial episode of pain 5 years ago he has not had one iota of pain, has not missed one minute of school or anything else, has not lost a pound, has perfect blood work bli ayin harah. He went to Yeshiva in EY like all his friends. At the time of diagnosis our Rav told us not to tell anyone and we have not. NO ONE. No siblings, grandparents or friends. When he begins shidduchim our Rav will guide us how and when to tell. I do believe this is best for him as I have witnessed people caring more about what "yenem" will think than about the actual issue when it comes to shidduchim. There are those who would be fine with the medical diagnosis but not with others thinking they "settled". I know I sound cynical but either way, we followed our Das Torah.

amother

↑ Diamond

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 6:20 pm

sequoia wrote:

Pretty hard to conceal, what with the weight loss...

Not every one experiences weight loss. Not every one has symptoms. Many people have Crohn's and don't even know until much later in life. I don't think people are aware just how prevalent Crohn's is in the Jewish population.

amother

Valerian

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 9:57 pm

My husband has it. diagnosed after marriage too. We are very open about it. whenver it comes up in conversation etc. Possibly a child-needing shidduchim in the future- would be different, but in this case we're already married Smile

amother

Hibiscus

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 10:10 pm

Keeping secrets is a burden in itself. I don't think you have to give a full health history to everyone you meet, or even to all your close friends. Still, it's irresponsible to send a child to school without giving the nurse full information. If you have a condition that runs in families, it only makes sense to tell relatives about it.

Secrecy creates stigma. People with Crohn's or colitis or IBD haven't done anything wrong. Why burden them with shame and guilt?