Purim Humor - Let's make some

amother

Purple ↓

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 9:21 pm

Is your landlord annoying? Does he ignore repeated requests for necessary repairs?

WE WILL ANNOY HIM BACK!

We import all sorts of pests that will send the Department of Health and/or Department of Buildings running to your door!

We specialize in ants, roaches, rats and mice of all shapes and sizes.

For a small handling fee, we'll add in a beehive, a few racoons or even a 7-foot-long alligator (*Florida residents only).

CALL 1-888-GET-PEST

acemom

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 9:41 pm

I think I need to report this.
You didn't pay for your advertisement.
Mods, how did you miss it?
Twisted Evil

flowerpower

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 9:45 pm

It’s abuse!!! You shared one sentence about your landlord and we already know how abusive he is to you. Please go to therapy asap to learn how to deal with it.

simba ↓

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 9:58 pm

A nun gets into a taxi and the driver can't take his eyes off her.
Finally, he says, "Sister, I must tell you something but I don’t want to offend you."
She says, "My son, you won’t offend me. I've heard it all after so many years of being a nun."
"Okay," says the driver, "Well I always had this fantasy of kissing a nun."
"Alright, but you must be single and Catholic," says the nun.
"No problem, I'm both!"
"Okay then, so stop the car over there."
He stops and the nun makes his dreams come true with a huge kiss.
But when they set off again, the driver starts crying.
"I'm sorry Sister, " he says. "I lied. I'm married and I'm Jewish."
"That's okay son," replied the nun. "I'm Itzik and I'm on my way to a Purim party."

amother

White

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 10:53 pm

amother wrote:

For a small handling fee, we'll add in a beehive, a few racoons or even a 7-foot-long alligator (*Florida residents only).

CALL 1-888-GET-PEST

Instead of sending vile creatures it would would be much more kdai to send a gift of Surrendered Wife because he will become a much happier man through this approach

amother

↑ Purple ↓

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 11:20 pm

ATTENTION MOTHERS: NEW TEETHING TOYS FOR BABIES

CALL 1-888-EAT-HAND

↑ simba ↓

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 1:05 am

Here's what my mother taught me

My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room looks as if a tornado came through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up!"

My mother taught me about WORK LOAD.
"When you finish eating what you have I'll give you more"

My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You get that from your father."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

↑ simba ↓

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 1:09 am

THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found
this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: ' $90,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the
house Iwanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a good deal.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

↑ simba ↓

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 1:11 am

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't

even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his

Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical

exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take

this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open”

↑ simba ↓

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 1:17 am

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

↑ simba ↓

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 1:20 am

Three Men and Three Wives

The first man married a woman from Missouri. He told her that she was to do the dishes and ho use cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Idaho.. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a Jewish girl from New York. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

trixx

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 2:05 am

simba wrote:

I don't get it

dankbar ↓

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 2:20 am

It wasn't a nun. Just a Purim disguise. They both lied

↑ simba ↓

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 9:09 am

trixx wrote:

I don't get it

A joke is like a frog. One you dissect it, it’s dead!

amother

Amber

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 1:16 pm

Avram went into Church, took out his tallis, yarmulke, and proceeded to pray. The clergyman entered to start services: "Will all non-Christians please leave." Avram continued davening."

Again the clergyman said, "Will all non-Christians please leave."

And again, Avram prayed.

Finally, the distraught clergyman moved to Avram. "Will ALL JEWS please leave."

At this, Avram removed his yarmulke, packed up his tallis, then went to the altar, picked up a statue of JC and said, "Come bubbela they don't want us here anymore."

keym

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 1:41 pm

I replaced my mattress with a trampoline.
My wife literally hit the roof.

Ravenclaw ↓

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 2:04 pm

An Native American once came up to me and said, "Your people stole my land."
I'm Jewish.
My family didn't get to America until the 1950's.
I said, "Hey, man, I'm Jewish. We had nothing to do with stealing your land."
Then I found out his house was taken by the bank and I was like, "Oh... our bad."

ShishKabob

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 2:09 pm

Thanks for the laughs!

↑ simba ↓

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 2:10 pm

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

↑ simba ↓

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 2:14 pm

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a
cemetery plot as a x-mas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have zex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"

And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

And then the fight started...
(The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.)
________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back
into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......
________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back
later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my
shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on
your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my
wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said,
'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started........