Rant: guests don't show up...

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Forum -> Relationships -> Guests

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amother

Sun, Jun 24 2007, 4:40 pm

While I am very happy to host total strangers for the Shabbat meals (we are sluchim in a touristy far away place), I don't appreciate when people "reserve" places and don't even bother to tell us not to expect them, because they change their plans or whatever (I have no idea, since they just don't show up and never email or call to apologize)...
Do they realize that someone worked extra time to cook and set the table because of them? Do they realize that in a place where kosher food is not readily available, 4 people more or less make a difference in planning the meal?
The thing is that it happens time and again, and this lack of menshlichkait drives me crazy.
I thought of sending an email to those people saying something like: "we expected you this Shabbat, what happened...", but what's the point? make me feel better? try to educate the world??
Next week or the week after, other people will do the same....
(OTOH, there are many wonderful people who are real menshen…. Maybe I should just focus on them Smile

Lechatchila Ariber

Sun, Jun 24 2007, 4:42 pm

that would drive me crazy

chocolate moose ↓

Sun, Jun 24 2007, 5:42 pm

Next time someone "reserves", tell them this.

cdawnr

Sun, Jun 24 2007, 6:33 pm

Totally frustrating, I agree. (I also feel that way about guests who come waltzing in really late...I have kids waiting!)

I think that one of your responss to calls should be. Great we look forward to having you, but please do let me know if you are coming or not, even if it is a last minute change of plans.

↑ chocolate moose

Sun, Jun 24 2007, 7:46 pm

A lot of families just start when the husband comes home. If they have extra matza or rolls and grape juice or wine, the guests can make their own kiddush and hamotzie.

anon

Sun, Jun 24 2007, 10:30 pm

You never know when they actually feel horrible about it.

I was once such a guest. It was even worse, since dh and I were supposed to be sleepover guests for the entire shabbas.

We had plans to go on vacation somewhere, and we contacted the shul in that area to be placed by a frum family for shabbas. All the arrangements were done through email. Although our hosts and I exchanged phone numbers, it was still all done through email. So when our vacation plans fell through, I emailed the hosts to let them know that we wouldn't be coming.

Well, one Friday I get a phone call from the host, asking me what time my husband and I will be showing up. I almost plotzed...I felt horrible!! I explained that I had emailed them a while ago to let them know that we wouldn't be coming. I'm not sure if the woman believed me, but either way it was clear she never received the email. I felt so guilty that I never confirmed that she got the email. It was a bit irresponsible on my part.

At least this lady called me, and I had the opportunity to apologize profusely. Had she not called, I would have appeared grossly unmentchlich. So, you never know when the person deserves to be judged favorably (although I do admit I should've made a greater attempt to ascertain that they received my message).

purplegirl

Mon, Jun 25 2007, 7:50 am

OP, I could have written your post. Rolling Eyes

Last shabbos, four of six guests didn't show up, and the two that did, came 1/2 hour late. We had to rush through the meal so that DH could make mincha - only one minyan in this place - and so much food was wasted. How many leftovers can we manage to eat by Tuesday? (After which we throw them out as being too old.)

I was mightily annoyed and tried not to let the guests feel it. Then I decided I had to work on my perspective. We're not inviting people for social reasons and so we're not expecting all the etiquette and social mores that come with official invitations and dinner parties, per Emily Post. We are doing kiruv, opening our house to whoever steps in, in any evening attire and in any attitude, no matter how they hold their knife and fork and even whether they bother to cancel or not. Are they impolite and unkind? Yes. Is it a pain in the anatomy? Yes. But I figure all little bits of yissurim add up to give us more reward for the same mitzvah.

I always learned that if you accepted an invitation, you must attend unless something really extraordinary comes up. Not just "didn't wanna." What about you guys?

BrachaVHatzlocha

Mon, Jun 25 2007, 8:13 am

You definately can/should contact them. You can just be concerned to make sure everything is okay.
I remember I once had a girl over Friday night and she was supposed to come Shabbos day and she never showed up. We were a little worried and M"S and Sunday called and she never answered the phone or called back. I asked a friend who knows her and found out she was ALIVE AND WELL, but had probably overslept. So why not at least call and tell us you're okay??
I even emailed her...finally I emailed "are you upset at us?" we thought we had insulted her or something. Eventually we got a reply, probably weeks later.
You can imagine we were not interested in inviting her over again....

Sometimes people oversleep, things come up and they can't call on shabbos, but if they don't have the courtesy to call you after shabbos, you can definately call them and tell them you waited...

(sorry about hte long rant!)

DF79

Mon, Jun 25 2007, 11:33 am

I COMPLETELY understand you... I prepared and prepared the whole Thursday and Friday when everything was finished... my guest tells me she has too much school work and isn't coming!!!

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