life as an aguna | Imamother

mimivan

Sat, Oct 15 2011, 6:44 pm

They say I'm chained to a marriage that never was,
under the chuppah, I held the ketubah upside down,
My Mother-in-Law laughed. And from that moment
my world was upside down.

It never was a marriage
but they say our souls are connected
G-d only knows the truth
I believe my zivug is in the world of Truth
While I inhabit the world of illusion and lies.
In dreams, he whispers in my ear
"I am your real husband. But you have what to do in this world.
When the Messiah comes, we'll meet for coffee."

My husband they say is my husband
in this world of illusion
is my bashert
As bashert as getting the flu, falling down the stairs or Gehinnom.
He had to happen, we had to have our children b'h,
But I am chained to a marriage which gave me extortion
rather than support.
Gave him a handsome payment for a get if I would leave
and total dominance over a housemaid if I would have stayed.

But what am I chained to?
I no longer need to dip my body in a mikveh
to be intimate with an enemy.
I can hang up the phone to his yelling, his insults.
I have my own bed, my own apartment.
My soul is free, I am chained only to prevent
myself from producing enough rope to hang myself on another noose
of a bad decision, a bashert decision, and only G-d knows.

Perhaps my real husband, my zivug is in the world of truth?
Perhaps I will receive a get for a high price
marry, find love.
Perhaps I will tie another millstone around my neck and weep.
But marriage mistakes aren't our mistakes.
G-d is in Heaven, he grants the divorces, he makes the marriage
he sends the children. And these are hatched out in the world of Truth.
And to find our own answers in the world of lies
to believe G-d's decisions are mistakes we make
is telling ourselves the ultimate lie.

Love is Truth, Truth is love in the unity of our souls.
We all find it eventually, in this world or the next.
It is not for us to decide.