Bringing in more money than husband

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 1:05 pm

ittsamother wrote:

You said it's not her job to make sure there's enough money to cover bills. I'm saying any couple in a supportive and loving relationship would never let one party drown in distress cuz "it's not my job", rather the fact that their partner needs something so badly makes it their job. The same way I wouldn't watch my husband drowning in emotional distress or emotional loneliness and tell him, "not my job to support your mental health, I'm doing fine, I'm just gonna focus on my literal responsibilities which are to make you supper and provide you with wearable clothes or whatever, and you figure out the rest for yourself" but rather I would build a warm and loving relationship with him, hear his concerns, talk through his worries, give him my emotional support and friendship- in that same way I don't think it's acceptable to watch your spouse fall apart over the stress of singlehandedly supporting the family when it's not working for him, and tell him, "My job is just to manage the house and kids, so I will not stretch myself past that at all, I'm managing my responsibilities so you find a way to do the same, go run from gemach to gemach, go handle things with school, take 5 loans and take from the food pantry, don't you understand that it's NOT MY PROBLEM, not my responsibility , figure it out yourself and leave me out of it!"

Especially when the wife made an equal decision to buy the house he's now struggling to pay for, or chose the camp or school or clothing he's facing the bills for. (In my marriage, it's the house WE'RE paying for and the bills WE'RE facing.)

On a side note we both work and so my husband takes an equal role in housework, parenting, night-time waking, childcare etc. But he's the type that even if I weren't working and he was, and he came home and found me falling apart, he would step in and do whatever he could to support me. Cuz he loves me and can't bear to see me falling apart. So of course I do the same for him!

Okay, and if you have to deal with things at home and it's not logical for you to spend a few hours every day on a job, what happens then?

amother

Cantaloupe

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 1:28 pm

amother Aconite wrote:

So you removed that part from your Kesubah becouse it's not true anymore?

I have a regular kesubah, but I hope you realize that more than half of it is blatantly unachievable or false today’s day. I actually think it’s a huge problem. He promised to go to jail or be kidnapped instead of her. There is absolutely NOWAY this would/could happen in today’s world. He promises to provide clothing food shelter. Most couples get married and the wife supports them. It would do our couples a lot better if we stop burying our heads in the sand and rewrite the kesubah so it ACTUALLY helps.

At this point it’s literally not worth the paper it’s written on.

Additionally, I have never heard of a guy that’s lazy and not motivated but applied himself because of the kesubah. Just saying we need to write and make a system so it actually works. It’s not just supposed to be a ritual. It’s actually supposed to do something.

amother

Cantaloupe

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 1:30 pm

amother Aconite wrote:

Okay, and if you have to deal with things at home and it's not logical for you to spend a few hours every day on a job, what happens then?

Most things that need to be done at home can be relegated to evening hours in or given to other people. I literally can’t think of what ABSOLUTELY needs to happen at home between 9-5 that a woman can not take a job.

You can’t compare a house being a bit dusty, or having simply cooked meals (or none at all) to not being able to afford life. One has a clear priority.

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 1:33 pm

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

Got it. So as long it's on your Kesubah, Its still the reality and he should deal with the stress part of it.

Whenever you are successful in rewriting the Kesubah, let me know so I can buy the new version also.

amother

Cantaloupe

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 1:38 pm

amother Aconite wrote:

The kesubah was originally intended to be custom to each couple. It wasn’t intended to be blanket for everyone. We were SUPPOSED to put in whatever the couple decides. It literally just became socially awkward. Nothing against Halacha

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 1:39 pm

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

Wow... So all these SAHM 35 years and up are literally spoiled brats that just want to sit on the couch all day watching the latest?

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 1:42 pm

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

Whatever the reason for why it hasn't been changed yet, the fact is that it hasn't been changed yet, and it says that on your and mine Kesubah at this momant.

Can we agree on that part atleast?

amother

Cantaloupe

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 1:44 pm

amother Aconite wrote:

Wow... So all these SAHM 35 years and up are literally spoiled brats that just want to sit on the couch all day watching the latest?

I actually think they work really hard. Possibly harder than other working moms. It doesn’t make it less privileged or more easily afforded.

It’s VERY hard and also a privilege. Doesn’t have to be a contradiction.

amother

DarkMagenta

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 1:46 pm

amother Cherry wrote:

I once heard a man (of course!) say that the reason there's epidurals now is because women took on Adam's curse of working to support the family, so Hashem took away Chava's curse of painful childbirth to balance it out. LOL

Sounds like something a smart aleck teenager would say. There is 9 months of pregnancy and then there is recovery after birth. Child birth pain, is not only the few hours of labor. I don' t feel like myself until 3 months after birth. I know that for me and many others having a baby is at least a year of pain.

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 1:49 pm

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

You said all Moms can go out to work these days. I replied to that what about all these yummy moms that are not out every day becouse they have too much at home to do if you believe they have to go out and help out with finances.

And your response now is?

amother

Cantaloupe

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 1:51 pm

amother Aconite wrote:

The very hard work can be done in the evening, not done at all and done by other people.

amother

Cantaloupe

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 1:55 pm

[quote="amother Aconite"]Whatever you 'think' is not relevant, besides for bet you and your hub.

If I think tomorrow on something else that is not relevant, will I say everyone has to jump up on that now?[/quote

It literally can’t/ doesn’t work. Imagine being kidnapped. Do you really think said kidnappers would disclose the location so the dh can take over? Or a woman needs to go to jail… the government will totally be like yeah sure the guy can come instead. All couples at least start off with the wife supporting herself. I’m saying that when signing the kesubah we are lying.

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 1:58 pm

[quote="amother Cantaloupe"]

amother Aconite wrote:

Whatever you 'think' is not relevant, besides for bet you and your hub.

If I think tomorrow on something else that is not relevant, will I say everyone has to jump up on that now?[/quote

It literally can’t/ doesn’t work. Imagine being kidnapped. Do you really think said kidnappers would disclose the location so the dh can take over? Or a woman needs to go to jail… the government will totally be like yeah sure the guy can come instead. All couples at least start off with the wife supporting herself. I’m saying that when signing the kesubah we are lying.

I think I made my point already, Were just going in circles now.

ittsamother

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 2:05 pm

amother Aconite wrote:

If they can't afford it and she cant leave, she should take out a thilim and ask Hashem to make it easier for them.

Should she also run out of her bed the day she gave birth becouse there are bills that need to be paid?

If the husband just completed a heavy medical procedure he also wouldn't jump out of bed to go to work the next day. There is a concept of sick leave, disability, vacation days, etc, within the scope of a normal job.

But yeah, there are plenty of women throughout the world that go back after two weeks because otherwise their family will be on the street when the rent isn't paid. We're just lucky we have communal support for the desperate. I was raised to be as self-sufficient as possible and not make my fellow yidden pay for me if I can help it at all.

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 2:10 pm

ittsamother wrote:

Great concept BTW.

And you know what other concept exists? Women who are not going out to work becouse it's not ideal or workable for them.

And as you so well said, We're just lucky we have communal support for the desperate!

Thank you Hashem!