Bringing in more money than husband

amother

Impatiens

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 9:51 am

amother Aconite wrote:

Sorry for all that going through that pain and trauma. It's not easy at all.

But what does it change from what I said? That is not her responsibility, and she can choose any other option with the full support of the community. He will be blamed, not you.

That support would not happen if she would be required to support the family as well.

So, by the end of the game, it does make a big difference whose responsibility it is.

Yes or no?

What is wrong with you? your seriously saying if a husband cant support a family fully instead of the wife offering to work as well she should divorce him and ask the community to pay all her bills while she sits with her feet up crying but it was his responsibility not mine? seriously cmon how old are we? life isnt always fair, life is expensive its okay to also help out.

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 9:57 am

amother Impatiens wrote:

I never said that. I clearly said you should help out "as much as you can" when you can.

The difference is, For him, there is no such an excuse as you can't. For her, yes.

That's where the difference between help and being required is.

ittsamother

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 10:08 am

amother Aconite wrote:

"As much as you can" means nothing, because some women will say "well we have 5 lil kids so I'm too busy between them and running the house, I can't help, we'll just have to take tzedakah and Tomchei Shabbos and tuition break and ask our friends and family for endless gifts/loans" etc. whereas many others in the exact same situation will find childcare solutions and go off to work to bring in enough income. I have little kids, I could just sit back and tell my husband "sorry, I can't, it's your responsibility in the kesubah" but no, I'm paying for daycamp and babysitting etc and bringing in almost as much as he is.

Coming on to the community for support should be the last resort, when two able-bodied adults have both put in their maximum effort to bring in money on their own, not when one is and the other is choosing to stay home and not work even though technically she definitely could, simply because "it's just not her responsibility officially."

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 10:13 am

ittsamother wrote:

Thanks for sharing your perspective and telling us how and when exactly we need to go out to work.

However, I'm allowed to disagree, and if any woman feels overwhelmed enough in the house and wants to take from Tomchei Shabbos instead of having to go work, she should feel comfortable and free to do so.

It's not her job to ensure there is money to cover everything by the end of the month. Its just not.

amother

Wandflower

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 10:15 am

amother Aconite wrote:

I personally would never donate to a family where the woman isn’t working because she feels it’s her divine right not to. I’m sure I’m not alone.

ittsamother

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 10:16 am

amother Aconite wrote:

According to the kesubah alone it's not her job to emotionally support her husband either, it's just not, so why are we pushing such concepts in our community, it's hard and draining to have to open ourselves to our husbands that way and maintain that deeper relationship, we should focus purely on running the household and making sure there's supper on the table and clothes to wear, zeh hu.

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 10:24 am

ittsamother wrote:

I'm not jealous of those couples who have to be pushed to support emotionally each other. They should seek marriage counselling asap.

It's not relevant here anyway. You can open a thread to vent about this if you feel the need.

amother

Feverfew

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 10:33 am

amother Wandflower wrote:

I personally would never donate to a family where the woman isn’t working because she feels it’s her divine right not to. I’m sure I’m not alone.

Hey, there are woman out there who aren't so talented and can't bring in enough that's its worth it to work. If she 'stays' home and saves on cleaning help, babysitting , tutoring ,therapy , day camp (camp mommy - very popular among sahms ) , less takeout, clothing and wig expenses ... Plus all carpool and childcare falls on her so her husband can focus all the time on his job she really might be coming out ahead

ittsamother

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 10:39 am

amother Feverfew wrote:

I don't think we're talking about that. We're talking about someone who could definitely go out to work and make enough to supplement her husband's income, but doesn't because "it's not my responsibility, it's not my job, why do I need that stress."

ittsamother

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 10:41 am

amother Aconite wrote:

Oh c'mon. You know exactly what I was trying to say. I love my husband and I want a relationship with him so I'm happy to put in the effort. I also love my husband and want to support him in all ways so I'm supplementing our income. The same way I could just be like "not my problem tralalala, I'll just stay home with our baby and clean the house while you drown in our debt" I also could be like "don't turn to me with your stress, I'm just here to raise our kids and run our house, go talk to your friends about your problems". Neither of those two attitudes would make me a good wife.

Mommyg8

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 10:45 am

amother Feverfew wrote:

I agree with this. Many times if the couple crunches the numbers, they find that they may not come out ahead if the wife works. Add to your list - higher taxes, losing "middle class" benefits such as jersey care for kids, WIC, FAFSA, reduced school lunch... these all add up and should be taken into consideration.

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 10:46 am

ittsamother wrote:

Sorry, I did not.

Can you please repeat that post in which you ask why we have to push ourselves to emotionally support your hub and explain what you mean by that? I just see what it says.

ittsamother

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 11:25 am

amother Aconite wrote:

Sorry, I did not.

Can you please repeat that post in which you ask why we have to push ourselves to emotionally support your hub and explain what you mean by that? I just see what it says.

You said it's not her job to make sure there's enough money to cover bills. I'm saying any couple in a supportive and loving relationship would never let one party drown in distress cuz "it's not my job", rather the fact that their partner needs something so badly makes it their job. The same way I wouldn't watch my husband drowning in emotional distress or emotional loneliness and tell him, "not my job to support your mental health, I'm doing fine, I'm just gonna focus on my literal responsibilities which are to make you supper and provide you with wearable clothes or whatever, and you figure out the rest for yourself" but rather I would build a warm and loving relationship with him, hear his concerns, talk through his worries, give him my emotional support and friendship- in that same way I don't think it's acceptable to watch your spouse fall apart over the stress of singlehandedly supporting the family when it's not working for him, and tell him, "My job is just to manage the house and kids, so I will not stretch myself past that at all, I'm managing my responsibilities so you find a way to do the same, go run from gemach to gemach, go handle things with school, take 5 loans and take from the food pantry, don't you understand that it's NOT MY PROBLEM, not my responsibility , figure it out yourself and leave me out of it!"

Especially when the wife made an equal decision to buy the house he's now struggling to pay for, or chose the camp or school or clothing he's facing the bills for. (In my marriage, it's the house WE'RE paying for and the bills WE'RE facing.)

On a side note we both work and so my husband takes an equal role in housework, parenting, night-time waking, childcare etc. But he's the type that even if I weren't working and he was, and he came home and found me falling apart, he would step in and do whatever he could to support me. Cuz he loves me and can't bear to see me falling apart. So of course I do the same for him!

ittsamother

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 12:11 pm

amother Orange wrote:

Yeah, I've never had an epidural work well. Debilitating menstrual cramps, excruciating labors. And I work full time.

According to American Society of Anesthesiologists, more than 60% of laboring patients choose to get an epidural. According to yalemedicine.org, that number is higher, at an estimated 70-75% of women who give birth. So clearly for most people, they would rather the epidural than the labor pain. (And I'm sure a nice chunk of these are return customers, since many people have more than 1 kid.)

amother

Cantaloupe

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 12:17 pm

amother Aconite wrote:

There is the housbend and Hashem. All bills should and will be paid and settled between the 2 of them. Simple.

If you leave it up to them, you will be just fine. If you try to take things into your own hands or if your Dh does not do his part, then yeah, that's an issue.

Try it and come back with positive results.

You have added some extra stress to your life. I'm not sure why or if anyone forced you to do so.

Just to be clear, I'm not talking about the ones who can help out without compromising on their regular household duties.

When it was established as the husband’s duty there wasn’t a possibility of a woman going to work. The second there is that possibility it changes, and it is no longer right to say that

amother

Amethyst

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 12:28 pm

A wife being the primary breadwinner or working full time, unless it’s what she genuinely wants to do, should always be a last resort, never the first option.

Wives needs to make sure their husbands feel some pressure to be a strong breadwinner. Men these days have become complacent with relying on their wife’s income, whether when they’re in kolle or when working. A man who doesn’t feel some “fire under his behind” to support his family often won’t have the motivation to do what he needs to get the job done. If he has his wife to fall back on, he often won’t give it his all.

Of course, if a man truly understands and accepts his responsibility but despite his best efforts isn’t able to, his wife should do what she can to help. They’re a partnership after all. And in this case, the husband should of course take on more responsibility at home.

A SAHM should make her husbands life as stress free as possible so he can focus on supporting the family. She should also focus on saving money in areas where working women often can’t.

ittsamother

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 12:42 pm

amother Amethyst wrote:

I do agree with all of this. Thumbs Up