When moms say “I just let her cry” 😤

↑ watergirl

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 2:51 pm

amother Nasturtium wrote:

When I was pregnant with my first, I was visiting my sil's house one Friday night and she was letting her baby cry it out. I was so angry, hearing a baby screaming and knowing that his mother was ignoring him. I told my dh that we are NEVER going to do that to our child.

Fast-forward several months. I was spending hours and hours every night walking the hallways trying desperately to get my baby to sleep. He didn't want to nurse, I was convinced he just wanted to cry. I wasn't functioning during the day (I was home with him, and a horrible mother, because he wasn't napping either and I was falling apart). He was also miserable all day because he was so tired. I finally gave in and sleep trained him. It was so hard, I hated every minute of it, but it was for my sanity and his happiness. I truly believe that.

Each of his younger siblings were different. One of them slept well from a very young age. Sure, she woke up to eat, but then went back to sleep. No need to let her cry, she figured it out eventually. I think at some point I wanted to stop a feeding so I gave her back her pacifier for a few nights, and she stopped waking up for that feeding. No biggee. One of them starting "turning into my oldest" (in my mind), fighting sleep and refusing to be fed/rocked to sleep, and I immediately sleep trained her. She cried it out ONCE, one night, then slept through the rest of the night and I woke up engorged, and each night after that woke up just once to be fed instead of a dozen times like she'd been doing until then.

So yeah, tell me I abuse my kids. But sleep deprivation is a real thing, for mommies and babies. These are not "extreme examples." These are normal mothers of normal babies. If waking up with your baby all night makes you an awful mother who yells at your other kids? It's time to let them cry it out. If it makes you start to feel dark and depressed? It's time to let them cry it out. If it's depriving the baby of sleeping and making THEM miserable? The benefits outweigh the risks, and it's time to let them cry it out.

Hugs to you. My example was extreme. Yours in more typical. Both deserve compassion. We do it because we are left with no other safe choice.

amother

Watermelon ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 2:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is an abnormal situation so it doesn’t answer my question of why so many mothers just let them cry. I’m sorry for what you went through Sad

The two child psychologists that we consulted told us that letting a baby cry for 2-3 nights as long as it takes is completely fine. They said only do it once the baby reaches the age and weight that they're fine without eating at night. They said that parents getting enough sleep is a very important goal and overrides any negative effects of letting them cry.
Our pediatricians were also fine with this.
As long as you're consistent, it teaches the baby that when it's nighttime, crying doesn't bring mommy. but in the morning, mommy is there to take care of everything you need.

Honestly couldn't do it. I couldn't let baby cry for hours, and taking them out after they cry "long enough" is more confusing for them, so I don't do it. But I don't see a problem with people choosing to do it, based on the professional guidance that they seek.

amother

↑ Indigo ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 3:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

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lol my babies are not angels and scream plenty at night. But I go to them and do whatever it takes for them to go back to sleep without crying it out. And plenty of times I feel like crying too. Dh helps also

Right and that's what we did with our other kids but this most handsome kid would scream and scream in our hands, with a clean diaper, with a full belly, straight after burping and everything else the Dr told us to try. The clock hit 6 am and he decided he was willing to sleep for 2 hrs and then smile and behave like a regular baby taking regular age appropriate naps during the day and have all the neighbours say he is the most smiley baby they have seen - true story...
Unless you have a child that doesn't fit in the humongous square of a regular crying baby you can't understand what it is to put your baby when they are crying down in their crib and 'ignore' them.

amother

Electricblue

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 3:08 pm

watergirl wrote:

My point is that I don't think it's possible for anyone to know what is really going on with a women who seemingly casually says they just let a baby cry.

Take my ex-MIL. She proudly boasted that she did not go to a crying baby and she also did not even hold a crying baby. She'd say "if the baby was crying in my arms and crying on the floor, I put the baby on the floor". She was not abusive. She had issues.

People who can let a baby cry are not being cruel. I believe if anyone needs to do it, there is a reason. I think a lot of people become parents who are not ready or able to care for a baby and lack emotional intelligence, support, or even feeling. These are people I feel bad for. I feel bad for the children also of course. But I don't think a rant here will help anyone.

There are also those who have to put the baby down for the baby's safety. Trust me. My situation is extreme but more common than you think, in regards to a baby that just won't stop crying.

I know several mothers who use the ferber method l'chatchila and tried to convince me to use it as well. They believe it's good for the baby in the long run. I don't believe they were desperate and I wasn't either desperate, yet they tried to convince me to use it too as the best way in their opinions.

Brit in Israel

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 3:16 pm

amother Watermelon wrote:

The controlled cio method doesn't have them crying with you ignoring, it's very effective if done correctly and lasts maybe 2-3 days. I usually only do it from 8 months depending on the child's needs.
You put them to sleep with regular night time routine and let them cry for 2 mins, you go in after 2 mins (I mean exactly 2 mins) lie them down and say it's night/sleep time now, and leave, repeat for another exact 2 mins and again, after 4-5 times you go up to 3 mins than 4 mins and for those babies that are a bit more stubborn 5 mins. Usually after 30 mins they already realise that you are there but won't take them out of bed and they go to sleep.
My kids are always already drinking water by then from a munchkin cup and so it's in bed with them and I offer it most of the times.
It is an intense 30 mins for the mother -im always crying with them but after 2 nights I put them into bed at night and they go straight to sleep. My babies do nurse through the night but after being trained always go straight back to sleep after I nurse them instead of always trying to talk/play or get me to leave the room with them.

Plain crying and ignoring should only be done when needed which for some people they have that need.

amother

↑ Watermelon ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 3:26 pm

Brit in Israel wrote:

And the experts that we consulted told us that the worst thing (for attachment) is to let them wait a certain amount and then go in. We were told, either you go when they cry, or you don't go until sleeping time ends.
However, just like we consulted professionals, I believe that everyone should ask their own professionals and do what's best for them.

amother

↑ Garnet ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 3:27 pm

OP, I have never let my babies “cry it out” and personally do judge mothers who do. However, while there is a certain group of mothers who let their babies cry “l’chatchilah”, which I am VERY against, there are also a lot of mothers who do this out of extreme sleep deprivation, when nothing else works. And those mothers I truly can’t judge, because BH my babies have all been fairly good sleepers and im a SAHM and I never hit that point of extreme extreme sleep deprivation. But sleep deprivation is not a simple thing. If you want to go by the science, the science shows that a few nights of CIO (at an appropriate age) is better for baby and will have less lasting effects than a sleep deprived mother.

And btw it’s not so hard to tell the difference between the two groups. The mothers who let their babies cry “l’chatchila”, that attitude usually clearly spills out to all their parenting areas.

amother

Cognac

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 3:27 pm

amother Watermelon wrote:

My pediatrician doesn’t see a problem with having a baby cry for hours at night . Just because she’s a professional doesn’t mean I agree with her . Obviously there are some situations that may need it, but in general , I don’t agree with crying it out , and I don’t get why my pediatrician is always pushing me to do it . In general, professional advice isn’t always the right choice .

amother

↑ Snapdragon ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 3:28 pm

Sometimes that's the only thing there is to do.
I just switched my six month-olds feeding times. She is BH eating real food very nicely, and doesn't need the 5 am feeding anymore, and I would greatly appreciate the sleep tbh. Guess what? She's still waking up at 5 to eat. She doesn't need the food, she's totally ok. It's just habit.
Sometimes after crying for a few minutes she's tired herself out and ready to go back to sleep.
I'm not just ignoring her. I know she's ok and doesn't need anything. She's a baby. Babies cry.

amother

Alyssum

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 4:01 pm

My four kids are all adults now, and back in the Jurassic era, when they were all babies, Ferberizing was talked about a lot.
We never followed it to the letter, but we did let them cry for a few minutes at a time (10-15) before going in to comfort them. After 2-3 nights, they learned to fall asleep by themselves.

It was hard to hear them cry, but I can promise you they didn't suffer for it, and they all learned to be good sleepers.
Not one of them ever came into our room as toddlers or small children to sleep in our beds. They all learned to sleep through the night. Even the ones with ADHD or on the spectrum.

And as adults, I can assure you that not one of them is lying on a psychiatrist's couch complaining about how their parents let them cry themselves to sleep for 10 minutes when they were babies.

I am supportive of you moms who never let their children CIO, and I'm supportive of the ones who do. You do you--and leave the child-rearing of children who aren't yours to their parents.

amother

↑ Babypink ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 4:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thank you. Somebody gets it

there's no such thing as spoiling a baby but there is such a thing as a mom that is completely spent, run down, overwhelmed, sleeps in 2 hour stretches.... shall I go on...
A mommy that sleeps is a mommy that has patience to care for their child. Happy mommy happy baby.
(I am not pro crying it out, although sometimes it is necessary if nothing else works)

amother

↑ Garnet

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 4:57 pm

amother Forsythia wrote:

OP, did you ever have an infant that cried and cried and did not stop crying? My baby was like that- ALL day and ALL night. I was slowly loosing my mind and sanity. Everybody tries their best, nobody locks up their kids and lets them scream for hours while they do their own thing. Sometimes we have no choice but to let kids cry.

I completely understand why someone in your position would need to do CIO but let’s not pretend that all or even most mothers who do CIO have non-stop cryers. They see it as the easier, default sleep training method once their baby reaches a certain age.