When moms say “I just let her cry” 😤

amother

↑ Taupe ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 1:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

These two aren’t the opposite of each other. Mommies are supposed to take care of their babies and babies become distressed when they cry and no one comes. Picking them up every time they cry isn’t spoiling them. In fact babies are healthier and have better development when they know mom is always taking care of them. Go read read up on some studies about babies who were held a lot or even worn in wraps on their mothers chests

Never said they are the opposite of each other.

If you can teach a baby mommy is reliable then you can teach them other things such as: night is for sleeping, this person is scary, how to be spoiled, and other things. I never said one is the opposite.....

Just like if you can teach a child colors and you taught them white you can teach them blue even though white and blue are not opposites.

amother

Pink

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 1:59 pm

I think with many things in parenting, there is a middle road. Another thing to keep in mind is that some babies are much more difficult than others. I was very against sleep training. Then, my 10.5 month old was still waking up 4-5 times a night. Even when I would be sitting there rocking him for 45 mins, often times he would still cry because he was so over tired. One night I just couldn’t take it anymore and I let him cry for 5 minutes at a time in the crib while I comforted him. He actually learned how to fall asleep on his own eventually. He literally did not have the skill. But I do think complete cry it out is a little much.

amother

↑ Garnet ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 2:00 pm

amother Taupe wrote:

But white and blue are both colors. They are in the same developmental category. While many of the examples you gave are not in the same developmental category at all. Maybe just because you can teach a baby that mommy isn’t responding, you can also teach them physics??

amother

Cornsilk ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 2:00 pm

amother Taupe wrote:

I did not say that you can spoil babies. I said the logic can't work only one way when it's good for you.
If you can't teach it to be spoiled, then you can't teach it that mommy isn't reliable. It doesn't only work one way.

And if babies were meant to be physically connected to you after birth they would stay that way, come on.

Nature intended for us to keep them very very close via their dependence on our bodies for sustenance.

The formula industry really disrupted that.

amother

↑ Cornsilk ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 2:02 pm

amother Taupe wrote:

What does it mean to teach a baby how to be spoiled? How does a spoiled baby act?

What others are calling securely attached and feeling safe and responded to, you are calling spoiled.

amother

↑ Taupe ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 2:03 pm

amother Garnet wrote:

yes, you can teach him physics on his level. If they drop something it will fall. Everything is on their level. For the record, I actually do not agree with letting a baby cry unless the mother needs it for her own health, but that does not mean that someone who thinks differently is always wrong and that there can be no value in her decision. Life doesn't work that way.

watergirl ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 2:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

Oh and don’t get me started on sleep training. Putting your baby in the crib and then shutting the door and letting them scream for an hour is straight up abuse.
You’re not teaching them to sleep through the night, you’re teaching them that no one cares enough to bother coming to comfort them.

I am so happy for you that your life situation made it possible for you to judge other mothers this way.

In my situation with my first, my (now ex) husband would not let me sleep in my own room for the first few weeks. He would not help at night. I was abused. I was abusing my baby by GOING to it (keeping this gender neutral on purpose). One day I lost my temper and could have hurt the baby irrevocably badly. I put the baby in the crib, shut the door, called my ex to come home from work, and got in the shower with music on so I would not hear the crying. It was THAT BAD. When he got home, he took care of the baby I think. I don't remember. I called my dr and the pediatrician. I knew I was in bad shape. The safest thing for everyone was to do cold turkey cry it out at only 4 months old. It was a few bad nights that led to my being able to get myself medicated, therapy, and under control, and it was under doctor recommendation. It was BRAVE of me to do it. This was over 20 years ago but I'd do the same today if I needed to.

I know most cases are not like mine. I know mine was extreme. BH my other babies were with my husband who is BH amazing.

TRUST ME when I say, if a mother is leaving her baby to cry, it's for a reason. And the reason is usually not that she's abusive or does not care.

I'm not sure why you started this thread. It seems like you wanted to stand on a soapbox. So you had your soapbox.

What's your goal here?

ClassySass

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 2:11 pm

watergirl wrote:

This is how an exception to the rule looks like. Not what the rule should be.

The attitude I've seeing people have towards crying it out without a need (Read danger to yourself or baby) is alarming and appalling.

amother

↑ Taupe

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 2:12 pm

amother Cornsilk wrote:

Ok so wet nurses could give them that close body contact and responsiveness they need.
I also don't know if it was ever the norm and even if it was, that doesn't mean it's biologically ideal

I understand you. It's just not accurate to think that formula was the first thing that took a baby away from it's mother to feed besides for death chv.

And a lot of things are natural. Babies are meant to be conceived naturally but how many people today use ivf or iui or other methods? I can't judge that, but can't we be consistent. So we can conceive children with extreme interventions but then when it comes to feeding them we suddenly have to go back year 3.

↑ watergirl ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 2:18 pm

ClassySass wrote:

My point is that I don't think it's possible for anyone to know what is really going on with a women who seemingly casually says they just let a baby cry.

Take my ex-MIL. She proudly boasted that she did not go to a crying baby and she also did not even hold a crying baby. She'd say "if the baby was crying in my arms and crying on the floor, I put the baby on the floor". She was not abusive. She had issues.

People who can let a baby cry are not being cruel. I believe if anyone needs to do it, there is a reason. I think a lot of people become parents who are not ready or able to care for a baby and lack emotional intelligence, support, or even feeling. These are people I feel bad for. I feel bad for the children also of course. But I don't think a rant here will help anyone.

There are also those who have to put the baby down for the baby's safety. Trust me. My situation is extreme but more common than you think, in regards to a baby that just won't stop crying.

Last edited by watergirl on Thu, Jan 02 2025, 2:21 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Indigo ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 2:18 pm

3 months of my baby screaming from 12-6 am every night in my hands whilst I cried as well.
I saw all the crazy cat women and men from my neighbourhood who came out at night through the window, I never knew they existed. DH tried also but it didn't help.
Yes I put him in his crib and lay down. I don't think I slept but I couldn't do anything else and it was either that or rocking him crazy hard, I've never done it to the kids before him or after him but they never behaved like he did. Dr had no idea why he was like that he was the most smiley happy baby during the day. Nursed ever so nicely but during those night times he had his feed and continued to scream.

OP I'm so happy for you you have never experienced the pure torture of hearing your baby cry and knowing nothing is going to stop it. Enjoy your angels and I will look after my beautiful angels in the way that is best for us.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 2:32 pm

watergirl wrote:

This is an abnormal situation so it doesn’t answer my question of why so many mothers just let them cry. I’m sorry for what you went through Sad

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 2:35 pm

amother Indigo wrote:

lol my babies are not angels and scream plenty at night. But I go to them and do whatever it takes for them to go back to sleep without crying it out. And plenty of times I feel like crying too. Dh helps also

amother

Heather

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 2:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

Agree. All the experts talked me into trying sleep training with my first. That lasted all of about 90 seconds. DH and I just couldn’t take it and I really don’t understand how anyone has convinced themselves that this is a good thing to do. It breaks my heart to know that people do this to their precious babies.

amother

Viola ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 2:47 pm

Babies are not all the same.

I've had a baby that was miserable during the day & night from exhaustion. They woke up, nursed 2 minutes & went back to sleep eventually. But the waking up every 2 hours made for a tired, cranky baby. Baby did not like cuddling. Baby only liked their own crib.

When the dr gave me the ok at 6 months to skip a feed at night, I let my baby cry to sleep if they woke up at night. I constantly stayed near, but they cried. Not out of hunger, out of habit. Took 3 days & they stopped waking. They also started napping better by day & playing happily. Imo, a baby that is happy all day is better than a miserable baby whose mother jumps every time they kvetch.

Crying is their only form of communication for the first few months. It doesn't always mean hunger.

Stop judging.

amother

Nasturtium

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 2:48 pm

When I was pregnant with my first, I was visiting my sil's house one Friday night and she was letting her baby cry it out. I was so angry, hearing a baby screaming and knowing that his mother was ignoring him. I told my dh that we are NEVER going to do that to our child.

Fast-forward several months. I was spending hours and hours every night walking the hallways trying desperately to get my baby to sleep. He didn't want to nurse, I was convinced he just wanted to cry. I wasn't functioning during the day (I was home with him, and a horrible mother, because he wasn't napping either and I was falling apart). He was also miserable all day because he was so tired. I finally gave in and sleep trained him. It was so hard, I hated every minute of it, but it was for my sanity and his happiness. I truly believe that.

Each of his younger siblings were different. One of them slept well from a very young age. Sure, she woke up to eat, but then went back to sleep. No need to let her cry, she figured it out eventually. I think at some point I wanted to stop a feeding so I gave her back her pacifier for a few nights, and she stopped waking up for that feeding. No biggee. One of them starting "turning into my oldest" (in my mind), fighting sleep and refusing to be fed/rocked to sleep, and I immediately sleep trained her. She cried it out ONCE, one night, then slept through the rest of the night and I woke up engorged, and each night after that woke up just once to be fed instead of a dozen times like she'd been doing until then.

So yeah, tell me I abuse my kids. But sleep deprivation is a real thing, for mommies and babies. These are not "extreme examples." These are normal mothers of normal babies. If waking up with your baby all night makes you an awful mother who yells at your other kids? It's time to let them cry it out. If it makes you start to feel dark and depressed? It's time to let them cry it out. If it's depriving the baby of sleeping and making THEM miserable? The benefits outweigh the risks, and it's time to let them cry it out.