Would you take a boarder for free or minimal $ as a chessed?

amother

Antiquewhite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 8:34 am

amother OP wrote:

That does sound reasonable and very doable-if the HS and elementary school; kids all get home at the same time.

they usually don't though.

I also would be nervous to put my high school daughter who is all of 14 in the position where she's staying someplace that expects her to babysit after school every day. I wouldn't expect her to do that for her siblings. she's a kid with a long day and I want her to be able to have a social life, not feel like she needs to run home every day, never be able to spend the night at a friend...

keym

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 8:58 am

I was raised in a large OOT city. There were many boarders so im very familiar with the culture.
I would never send my daughter to board by someone for free or very very cheap. Its not fair to her.
Similar to what they say about therapy, that the buy-in part of paying is part of the process.
I would trust someone who's getting paid to care for my child, more than someone doing it for free because a year is a long time and a high school girl has needs.

The families I know who did it for chessed, often ended up with miscommunications. They would reshuffle the rooms, moving the boarder to room with other kids so the grandparents can visit, or other things that were difficult for the teen, but she can't say anything because she's there as chessed.

I wouldn't want my child to be in a situation where they feel like they can't ask for doubles of supper or a nightly shower because its becoming too much. And I wouldn't put my daughter in a position where she feels like if she chooses to study, get involved in extracurricular stuff, or go to a friend rather than babysit, she'll lose her room and board.

Chessed blurs the lines. Id rather pay and then the boundaries are established for everyone. She doesn't NEED to babysit to pay for her bed, her parents paid. She can eat regularly, has rights to the room and to privacy even when the grandparents come, she won't be stranded Shabbos and vacations. Because her parents are paying a hefty price for her to stay there

Someone earlier mentioned cleaning the room before the marrieds or something. That is precisely the misunderstandings that some of my friends who took boarders came across. If a girl lives a 8 hour bus ride away, she's not necessarily going home more than Sukkos and Pesach. I know many boarders that stayed in their boarding homes for Rosha Hashana and Yom Kippur, Shabbos Chanukah, Midwinter, Shavuos. Not to mention every single Shabbos. They couldn't afford the travel and missing school.

That's a big ask for free.

amother

Mint

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 9:27 am

I would consider it, if the boarder was independent, well-adjusted, had good communications skills and was not too messy. No extra chores or babysitting needed, just to take good care of her own living space.

We have plenty of money, so that wouldn't matter to me either way. We make ample meals with plenty of leftovers. But I don't have the bandwidth to be a major emotional support, to deal with discipline issues or power struggles, or to be on top of shuttling an extra kid to and from many different activities. I wouldn't take on that kind of responsibility, even if someone offered $50K/yr.

WhatFor

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 10:12 am

I think the people talking about taking a kid for free babysitting haven't really thought this through. There's no question taking in a child, even for some payment, is generally a huge chessed and can be a big burden on the host family. And of course the child might benefit from the setup (I say might, because for all we know, a child in this situation would prefer to be home).

But in no normal developed country is it considered okay to make a child pay for room and board. A parent has a duty to house and feed their children until they're 18. If the parent drops the ball, social welfare will step in if the community doesn't. But can you imagine if you find out a 14yo girl in your neighborhood isn't getting fed at all, so you go you her and say "look, I'd love to help you. You can get all 3 meals from me every single day, I'll give you breakfast, prep your lunch, and you can come for dinner every single night. With one condition: I need you at my house every day from 5:00 until 5:45 to watch my kids. And also some other times, like whenever I desperately need a sitter and there's no one else there, you'll be responsible."

I can't imagine most people on here would actually be cruel enough to impose such conditions on a child like that just so they could get basic meals. I'm not saying it's cruel labor, but it is a big commitment for a kid, and it's exploitative because the child has the least amount of say in this situation and needs room and board. I'm not either saying that there's something wrong with requesting a teen contribute in basic ways, as they might at home, to further their development. But I hope no one here thinks it's normal for a parent to have built-in reliance on their teen for free daily child care.

Bottom line, it's a huge chessed to ease a burden and obligation from another parent. If you take on such a chessed, please don't look at the child like they owe you. That child deserves the same free food and board like every other teen gets. I don't know why they can't get it at home and no one made it your obligation to step in for their parents. But if you choose to, please just don't hold it against the child. It's just not right.

amother

Bisque

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 10:44 am

I had a relative board at my house for high school, not for pay. The dynamics were challenging, my mother felt that she was responsible for her and waited up for her to get home etc. She needed rides to get places. It was hard to figure out a balance when everyone else was doing chores and she was just sitting, or the opposite and expecting too much of her. It was also hard for my father since there were sometimes yichud concerns and then he had to stay out late at night and learned in shul until some other family members came home.

At the start we were excited but it led to a lot of sticky situations and I wouldn't welcome a boarder into my own house.

amother

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 5:26 pm

amother Fuchsia wrote:

I think it’s beautiful people can do chessed for others.
Op why would u impose this chessed on others? Why should someone else have to feed etc your child shouldn’t u be contributing to basic expenses? Something? I dont get this attitude.

I took in an elementry school child. Think second grade. Because she didn't live near a jewish school and her father (not shomer shabbos) wanted her to be in a jewish school. We took her in, and not only didn't we get any money, but we made her a part of our family. Including having her in a matching gown at older dds wedding. She wasn't a boarder to us. She was a bonus child.

And no, we don't have money at all. We did it out of caring for another jewish neshama. My children who were already grown up at the time, and didn't live at home anymore, also considered her part of the family. People kept telling me what a great chessed I was doing. But I didn't look at it as a chessed for her. Or at least it was an easy chessed for me.

Some of us don't consider this an imposition. I would love to find someone with that mindset for dd. She probably would not stay for shabbosim as she can visit relatives for shabbos. Or come home as we are only 2 hours away. I would gladly contribute some money, and even send food with her, I just cant afford the going rate. If my expenses go down by that much when she is not here, then I would be able to give that. But from experience, I know they won't.