Help me appreciate my daughter’s personality

amother

Khaki

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 10:15 am

amother OP wrote:

My daughter is a very sweet teen. She’s helpful and respectful and pleasant to be around. I’m very grateful and love her very much. But I have a hard time connecting to her. She’s a bit of a ditz and kind of shallow. It’s not that I don’t appreciate fashion, decorating, etc. I’m actually very into these things. It’s just that I appreciate people who have more than that to them. Is it just that her personality hasn’t developed yet? I feel bad saying this but I find her kind of boring. She’s also my only daughter and we have lots of time to spend with each other, and I really try to bond with her, but I’m finding it challenging.

That could have been me but I watch too many make up unboxings to claim that I am a „deeper“ person

imaima

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 10:17 am

amother Bellflower wrote:

Na.
How old is she?
Many teens are "shallow" it doesn't mean that's who she is / ultimately will be.

Do you have hobbies? Topics/subjects that interest you?
Try to introduce them.

My 11 year old is extremely intellectual. She's a geek. So is dh. They love shmoozing the night away.
But my 9 year comes across as shallow. Dh has a hard time connecting to her as a person. (He's doing great as a father though bh) but I know her personality. She likes different things. She likes listening rather than shmoozing. Then once she's absorbed it, she puts things together and makes sense of stuff. Only later will I realize how much goes on in her head from a single comment....
She's actually, probably just as deep or deeper than my other daughter. But dh just doesn't see it, due to his personality. A d that's ok.

Just continue spending time with her. .y 9 year old loves to sing. She is a very warm soul. I'm not so geeky like dh and I don't talk about stuff often. So when we do things together we'll often put on music and sing our little hearts out.
Do what er you two enjoy. Your wonderful teen will grow into a wonderful woman.

This
My dd is the kind that listens and processes and after someone else has been extrapolating and looking all intellectual she may just casually sum it up in a boring tone because she has figured it out a long time ago

amother

Apple

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 11:11 am

People who truly understand to fashion (and not blind followers of the latest trend) are actually very

intuitive, innovative and

vibrant people who are full to the brim with personality and passion. Because fashion is an ART and

is intellect just like any other intellect.

OP describes her daughter as a bit of a ditz. Yes, she is scatterbrained which is the factor that

makes her intuitive to fashion.

giftedmom ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 11:12 am

amother OP wrote:

A daughter isn’t supposed to be a best friend who entertains you and you have DMCs with. Your job as a mother is to raise a healthy child. Look for friends who “get” you, and focus on being the best mother you can.

↑ giftedmom

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 11:14 am

amother Foxglove wrote:

It’s horrible to describe your own child this way and to feel your child needs to give you more satisfaction to develop a healthy mother daughter relationship with her. If you relate to her go for therapy and get yourself help. You both probably hurt your daughters terribly by now.

And you’re clearly triggered. Please get help for that.

amother

Cerise

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 11:27 am

Be grateful she's neurotypical. Very often being "deep", "emotional", "intellectual", "growth oriented", "intense", "spiritual", not into looks or friends are actually symptoms of mental health issues or neurodiversities.

Shallow, easygoing people do better in the long run.

Said as a deep, complicated person who is the mother of a deep, complicated teen.

amother

Apricot

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 7:17 pm

She sounds lovely! Does she need a job? I'd love a fashion oriented helpful teen around who is a bit ditzy, she'd be a great addition to help around the house w my kids and schmooze with me about which shoes I should get 😆 seriously count your blessings! Not everyone is intellectual and that's okay. Sounds like she has great middos. Focus on the positive! I'm not an intellectual, I have no interest in a big career and I love material things. But I'm also super generous, a great planner, good in the kitchen and helpful to others. It is not all or nothing!

amother

Fern

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 7:43 pm

amother Cerise wrote:

I was pretty shallow as a preteen. I remember a friend calling me superficial. I was hurt even though she just meant it in a matter of fact way.

It turns out it was to cover up my trauma and I’m actually quite deep. (Now, I can’t stop thinking and overthinking unfortunately) I didn’t feel there was a place for me or my emotions in the world at that time. Then as a teen I became less shallow but very dead inside. Later I had a complete breakdown.

OP, I’m not saying I think this is the case with your daughter, especially since she’s pleasant to be around and you have a good relationship with her etc However it could very well be her focus on externals is covering something deeper, something she may not feel there’s room to express.

amother

Bluebell

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 7:56 pm

Foxglove you sound like my sister.

She took a psychology course and started diagnosing everyone with her psychobabble. Everyone besides her has issues and she is the ultimate truth speaker. Reality is, she's just a triggered traumatized person who needs help.

Op, if ur daughter is sweet and nice, just keep it light and find a way to enjoy what she is interested in. You can have different types of relationships with different people. Some people are just for chilling with and others are for DMCs. Your daughter can just be a chiller.

MaverickMommy

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 8:28 pm

First, there’s a lot of harsh and judgmental posts that simply have no place here. They are hurtful and alienate OP rather than connecting with her genuine need and offering support.

Dear OP,

I truly believe that the children who are most different from us can teach us the most and be great catalysts to growth - giving us insights into ourselves we otherwise would never have had. Personalities, interests and hobbies aside, your daughter was given to you by HaShem because you are the perfect mother for her and she’s exactly the daughter you need. You have a brilliant opportunity to develop new communication skills and ways to deepen a lasting connection with your daughter.

On a more practical note, connecting with her world is vital at this age. She needs a safe emotional space to explore and express everything from the silly and shallow to the deep or confusing. Your connection to your daughter will take many different forms over the years and she may or may not be interested in the same things in 5 years but she has to feel like you’re on life’s journey with her. You can slowly introduce depth and meaning into the most mundane and seemingly shallow activities. You can do makeup with her or tie-dye t-shirts, make jewelry and a dozen other things and while doing the “shallow” activity have deeper conversations to draw insights from how she thinks, feels and sees the world. While doing each other’s makeup ask her “what do you think makes a woman truly beautiful?” And see what she says.

You can also invite her into your world (this helps with the teenage self absorption) and ask her to do a hobby with you. Ask her to cook with you, take a drive with you and just enjoy the scenery and a great music play list. Have a mother-daughter book club and discuss it after you both read it - let her pick the book.

There’s a world of connection and deep mother-daughter bonding that awaits you and I am excited to hear how you and your daughter discover it together! Much bracha v’hatzlacha!

amother

Lemon

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 11:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

You said you find her kind of boring. Would I be correct in inferring that this means your dd likes coming to talk to you or spend time with you? If so, that is great. That means that whatever your inner feelings may be, your dd doesn't share them, she feels connected to you.