always late- have you ever changed?

amother

↑ Eggshell ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 9:44 am

amother Cerise wrote:

Clearly nobody on this thread is neurodivergent. so as somebody who discovered at age 28 that I have ADD and my brain literally doesn't see time, and so I have to enact a million strategies... please believe me that I am not trying to be rude, that in fact I am actually a mentsch, but I also sincerely believe that I can leave the house at 11:50 for an appointment that starts at 12 that's a half hour drive away without traffic and I'm also taking kids with me.

In general in life, you'll be happier with people if you start understanding that they don't work exactly the same way you do.

Life doesn't really work that way. You can't expect people to put their lives and schedules on hold just because not everyone works the same way they do. Just as you want people to respect you you need to respect them too.

amother

DarkKhaki

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 9:45 am

watergirl wrote:

Both things are true.

It's true you can not control other people's time.
It's true other people need to be on time and it's rude to make people wait.

The sheitel macher should have honored your appointment. I'm just now really appreciating mine, who is very yekke and she treats her appointments like they are written in stone, so if I'm 10 minutes late for a 15 minute appointment, I now only have 10 minutes.

I can't say the same for a doctor, but they have to make acceptations for patients who need longer appointments, etc.

Then there are people like my father, who run VERY late out of a need to control others. No words for people like him. NOTE - this is not ALL late people. Just a special group.

I actually had a coworker (who was my bosses daughter at a former job) who was always very late and it really impacted my ability to run the program. She actually told me she had a few sessions with an energy healer or whatever it's called, and she learned there that she is late because she feels she has no control over her life, so this is how she asserts control. BUT it really got in the way of the programming. I did an in-service on time management, I sent reminders to her per her request, nothing changed. I ended up leaving at the end of the program and it was because of this co-worker, not just her lateness but that was a huge part of it.

And I'll add this - my MIL loves saying "15-minutes early is on time. On time is 15 minutes late". She always shows up 15 minutes early. I run ON TIME. I do not run early, ever. It's very rude to show up to a party or to someone's house even 15 minutes early, it's almost worse in my opinion to be early than to be late.

I've been trying to be more on time for years. Seems like a lost cause.

↑ frumNYC ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 9:45 am

amother NeonPurple wrote:

I've measured my travel time and it varies a lot. I'm often awkwardly early or slightly late and I have no idea how other people manage this? What am I supposed to do if I'm early? It basically means being in a place I don't belong in yet?

Personally, I always prefer to be 10 mins early if I can. I understand I had to commute NY to Connecticut for years… I go reapply makeup, read books on my phone or say tehillim while I’m waiting.

But if it’s akward just plan ahead and have a coffee or sit somewhere if you are too early..

↑ singleagain ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 10:11 am

amother Cerise wrote:

I don't use ADD as an excuse at all. I work very hard and employ many tricks to be timely.

I'm responding to the part where everyone is like "omg they disrespect me, and my time, and they're horrible human beings."

chill.

as I always say, nobody can shame me more than I shame myself.

There also might be a difference if you explain to someone like I have add and I really do my best to overcome my time blindness but please forgive me if I occasionally show up late versus never saying anything and acting like it's not a problem

Don't know what you do or don't do but I can't say that from the way I read the post initially it sounded like an I don't care kind of situation

↑ frumNYC ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 10:14 am

#BestBubby wrote:

I used to be always late but I am better now.

I set my watch 5 minutes ahead.

I am more realistic about how long is takes to get ready and travel.

If I have to be there at 1 and it takes minimum 30 minutes I tell myself I must leave by 12.15 to give myself a cushion.

What made you change? How do I “motivate” someone to change? Or at least send a text saying they are going to be late?

amother

↑ Beige ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 10:15 am

Also, I know this is not apply to anybody on here, but if you say you’re babysitting, don’t ask to come a half hour later than the time requested. If that timing does not work for you, do not accept the job. It has happened to me and I’ve almost lost my appointment because this babysitter decided to show up 30 minutes late and didn’t answer my messages when asked her when she’s coming.

ETA I don’t have ADHD, even though I have a diagnosis I do not feel any symptoms of it and I am so so punctual.

↑ frumNYC ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 10:17 am

amother Cerise wrote:

I understand that self shaming well, but as said in the thread, you should tell people you’re running late and apologize, or your lack of self respect is translating in to no respect for the person waiting for you.

amother

Cobalt

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 10:27 am

Time is something that feels out of my control. I manage nothing on time.
My children get late to school because I can't get them ready on time, I am always late for work, but make up for it by staying extra long. I get to bed too late every night, I get up too late every morning. For years, I've been lighting Shabbat candles like a minute before actual sunset. Luckily we can see the sun set from our house. I'm latr for appointments, meetings and simchas. It gets worse as I get older.
Sounds like a parody, I know, but I'm serious.
If I get really late and know someone is waiting for me, I do call or text them to tell them.
And I do hate it when people come to me, my house or my office too early, like 10 minutes before an appointment. Even if I am there anyway, like in the middle of the work day. It feels like they steal my time ahead of time. I have much less of a problem with people overstaying, adding time at the end is fine with me.

amother

↑ NeonPurple

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 10:30 am

frumNYC wrote:

It's fine if there's somewhere to wait, but sometimes it means being outside in the heat or cold with nowhere to go. Maybe it's easier for people who use cars.

↑ frumNYC

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 10:35 am

watergirl wrote:

I live with a few people with ADHD. They are neurodivergent (this is aside from my father I mentioned upthread).

The thing is, while I understand that some people have "time blindness", that is not the way the world works. If I leave my house at 11:50 for a 12:00 appointment that's 30 minutes away, I will ge there, miss the appointment, and be charged $50 for a no-show AND you have to wait another 6 months for the dr appointment you've missed.

I need my kids to learn this from me before they learn it the hard way. The world is not compatible with lateness. It has nothing to do with being happy with people.

It's not about being happier with people. I love the people in my life who are late. Those of us who are in relationships (marriage/friends/family) with people who are chronically late are happy with them. We also have to make our own lives work, despite those in our lives whose lateness will get in our way.

It's about understanding that lateness will cost you money and worse. Show up to a job interview late? No job. Show up to work late? Goodbye job. Late to the airport? Goodbye flight. You get it.

If you are aware that you are neurodivergent, and you are aware that you sincerely believe you can leave at 11:50 for a 12:00 appointment that's a 30-minute drive away, then you need to learn to change this behavior through executive coaching. Because the world is not compatible with lateness.

(ETA - I had a colleague who was always late and my boss paid to send him to an executive functioning coach because he was otherwise great at his job, but he missed meetings and it was a big problem. Lateness is not compatible with employment. It's not excusable).

I have seen people get fired for being late… so here is the question, is constant 20 - 30 min lateness for early morning meetings lack of respect for your own time? Or what is the alternative cause of this lateness since this is over zoom. I think if I understand the real reason I may be able to give the person grace (however I would never hire anyone who is late, unless it’s a doctor, even then I have a friend who always says she can be late cause she is a doctor… anyways Ladies, solutions, what can I do to help this person help herself?

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 10:56 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Lack of respect if you are constantly late. How are you supposed to reimburse me for wasted time? Money can be reimbursed but not time.

It's not necessarily a lack of respect any more than not being able to do calculus is a lackmof respect.

I work so hard to be on totne, and I am always apologetic if I am late. Within my regular schedule I am usually on time, down to the minute. If there are any changes to my schedule it all goes out the window. I get distracted, I forgot, I don't plan well. Sometimes when something is at 3, in my head I think I need to get ready to go at 3. Obviously it does not make sense and I panic when I realize what I did. Or something takes 30 minutes to drive to and I only leave myself 15. Logically it makes no sense but it is somehow how things fet planned out, usually if I'm distracted when planning. Because being on time for me takes lots of uninterrupted, no distraction planning. I put on calendar reminders and set alarms but it's still so easy for me to still mess up.

↑ Bnei Berak 10

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 12:11 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

Lightning one minute before sunset? Speechless

Are you serious?? That's chillul Shabbos AFAIK.

amother

↑ Cerise

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 1:24 pm

frumNYC wrote:

I don't have a lack of self respect and I never said that I don't apologize.

You guys are moralizing something that is just missing in my brain. That's my point. It doesn't make you a better person to be on time and it doesn't make me a worse person to arrive by the skin of my teeth.

amother

↑ Eggshell ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 1:38 pm

amother Cerise wrote:

Arriving by the skin of your teeth would mean you scrambled to arrive on time, so I don't think you're using that correctly.
But yes, timeliness should be moralized. It does reflect badly on omeone who's constantly late to things.