always late- have you ever changed?

amother

Eggshell ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 11:36 am

As a punctual person, other peoples lateness causes me loads of agmas nefesh,
Last week I had an appointment at 1 for my wig. Now, I work and need to back at my desk at a certain time. So I made sure to be there at 12:58 and waited for 45 minutes!! after which I left and did not yet end up doing anything about my wig.
My sheitelmacher claims I need to learn to be more relaxed, other people's timeliness isn't something I can control. I say people need to learn a bit of menshlichkeit, Even if being on time isn't important to you and you think you can get away with it, it's important to someone else.

singleagain ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 11:38 am

amother Eggshell wrote:

It's also one thing to forgive 5 minutes late..but not 45.

watergirl ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 11:45 am

amother Eggshell wrote:

Both things are true.

It's true you can not control other people's time.
It's true other people need to be on time and it's rude to make people wait.

The sheitel macher should have honored your appointment. I'm just now really appreciating mine, who is very yekke and she treats her appointments like they are written in stone, so if I'm 10 minutes late for a 15 minute appointment, I now only have 10 minutes.

I can't say the same for a doctor, but they have to make acceptations for patients who need longer appointments, etc.

Then there are people like my father, who run VERY late out of a need to control others. No words for people like him. NOTE - this is not ALL late people. Just a special group.

I actually had a coworker (who was my bosses daughter at a former job) who was always very late and it really impacted my ability to run the program. She actually told me she had a few sessions with an energy healer or whatever it's called, and she learned there that she is late because she feels she has no control over her life, so this is how she asserts control. BUT it really got in the way of the programming. I did an in-service on time management, I sent reminders to her per her request, nothing changed. I ended up leaving at the end of the program and it was because of this co-worker, not just her lateness but that was a huge part of it.

And I'll add this - my MIL loves saying "15-minutes early is on time. On time is 15 minutes late". She always shows up 15 minutes early. I run ON TIME. I do not run early, ever. It's very rude to show up to a party or to someone's house even 15 minutes early, it's almost worse in my opinion to be early than to be late.

#BestBubby

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 12:00 pm

amother Burgundy wrote:

I struggle with time management. It is a lost cause.

On the bright side, I am very flexible and amenable to anything /any changes you want and extremely patient with you.

I used to be always late but I am better now.

I set my watch 5 minutes ahead.

I am more realistic about how long is takes to get ready and travel.

If I have to be there at 1 and it takes minimum 30 minutes I tell myself I must leave by 12.15 to give myself a cushion.

amother

↑ Eggshell ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 12:04 pm

watergirl wrote:

About your dad, I have that with my mom who is constantly a half hour late to anything! Performances, appointment and simchos. it was so embarrassing and hurtful growing up that it probably inspired my aversion to lateness.
It's interesting to note that this was probably her way of expressing her sense of self. My dad's a narcissist manipulative person who controls every aspect of her. This is probably her way of saying she's here and that she matters.
I'm still mad at her lateness but I sort of get it now.

↑ singleagain ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 12:04 pm

Btw I used to mismanage my time. Not really late but like if somewhere took 30 mins to drive, I used to leave exactly 30 mins before and then unexpected traffic or whatever and I'd be late ... So what I started doing was lying to myself. My train was at 11.57 I said out loud and to everyone (when it came up) "I take an 11.50 train" I rounded down and out loud and I never missed the train again. Now I start working backwards "if the show starts at 3 we need to be online at 2.30 so we need to leave the restaurant by 2.15 so we need to be there at 1. So we need to park by 12.30 so we need leave by 11.30" and I keep over exaggerating the actual time so I'll enjoy every moment of that show and have time to wander in and out of a few stores along the way and even make an impromptu stop at the m&m store.

These types of strategies can work... If the person accepts they have an issue and is willing to work on it.

amother

Cerise ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 12:32 pm

Clearly nobody on this thread is neurodivergent. so as somebody who discovered at age 28 that I have ADD and my brain literally doesn't see time, and so I have to enact a million strategies... please believe me that I am not trying to be rude, that in fact I am actually a mentsch, but I also sincerely believe that I can leave the house at 11:50 for an appointment that starts at 12 that's a half hour drive away without traffic and I'm also taking kids with me.

In general in life, you'll be happier with people if you start understanding that they don't work exactly the same way you do.

↑ watergirl ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 12:35 pm

amother Eggshell wrote:

You might be right. But I know how upsetting it is. My dad is the narcissist. He is late because no one gets to tell HIM what time to be somewhere, he gets there when HE wants to. If an event (like an award ceremony when I was in middle school) starts at 7pm and we live an hour away, he gets in the shower at 7 and I miss the entire thing and he blames the program for not waiting. He also distrusts people, so he assumes everyone tells him the wrong time (ie if it starts at 6, they will tell him 5, knowing he will be late), so he will intentionally try to make it even later.

↑ singleagain ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 12:37 pm

amother Cerise wrote:

Actually I am also neurodivergent and I still manage to learn how to budget my time better. I think it's a little bit of a cop-out when people just say oh I'm this label. I'm that label and I can't. I'm not saying that everyone who has such a label can and but sometimes I think that if you fall back on the label too often you create a situation where you can't. That's really for another thread.

amother

NeonBlue

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 12:37 pm

amother Cerise wrote:

You would also then have to accept the fact that your appt will likely no longer be available for you because other people were waiting. Understanding that other people work differently does not mean completely flipping your own schedule upside down to accommodate.

↑ frumNYC ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 12:40 pm

amother Eggshell wrote:

I agree 100%. Also it shows they believe their time is more valuable than yours or they have zero ragard for their own time and reflect it on their relationships. In business it’s very inappropriate.

↑ watergirl ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 12:44 pm

amother Cerise wrote:

I live with a few people with ADHD. They are neurodivergent (this is aside from my father I mentioned upthread).

The thing is, while I understand that some people have "time blindness", that is not the way the world works. If I leave my house at 11:50 for a 12:00 appointment that's 30 minutes away, I will ge there, miss the appointment, and be charged $50 for a no-show AND you have to wait another 6 months for the dr appointment you've missed.

I need my kids to learn this from me before they learn it the hard way. The world is not compatible with lateness. It has nothing to do with being happy with people.

It's not about being happier with people. I love the people in my life who are late. Those of us who are in relationships (marriage/friends/family) with people who are chronically late are happy with them. We also have to make our own lives work, despite those in our lives whose lateness will get in our way.

It's about understanding that lateness will cost you money and worse. Show up to a job interview late? No job. Show up to work late? Goodbye job. Late to the airport? Goodbye flight. You get it.

If you are aware that you are neurodivergent, and you are aware that you sincerely believe you can leave at 11:50 for a 12:00 appointment that's a 30-minute drive away, then you need to learn to change this behavior through executive coaching. Because the world is not compatible with lateness.

(ETA - I had a colleague who was always late and my boss paid to send him to an executive functioning coach because he was otherwise great at his job, but he missed meetings and it was a big problem. Lateness is not compatible with employment. It's not excusable).

Last edited by watergirl on Thu, Jul 25 2024, 12:46 pm; edited 1 time in total