“Older” First Time Moms

amother

Butterscotch

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 6:28 am

No way is 27 an older first time mom. Maybe among Chassidim only. Where I'm from, under 35 is normal for a first time mom, under 25 is a young mom, you have to be 35+ to be considered "older".

Yes, I have noticed two things:

1. First time moms are more controlling/anxious/involved and they relax more with each kid. However, some only child moms are chill and I knew one super controlling mom of five. But this is definitely a very obvious trend (be less anxious with each kid).

2. When the mom is an older first time mom (42 not 32 though!) she often seems more overwhelmed and anxious. A few factors
A. Less support -- her parents and inlaws are older, she may have done a lot of settling to finally marry, or she may be a single mom who used donor sperm, all of these mean less support.
B. This is gonna be offensive, but it's possible that women with anixety are more likely to marry later, or have kids later.
C. Less energy and also less pretending.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 6:39 am

amother Butterscotch wrote:

I’m not chassidish but this is a trend I have a noticing in my own JPF circles so I was curious if others have noticed the same across the Jewish (or even non Jewish) spectrum. Can’t speak for moms over 35 as I’m not there yet and have one friend in that she bracket (she’s very intentional about parenting but not anxious at all).

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 6:41 am

amother Gold wrote:

Looks to me like people are taking this as two different things - either are you a chilled mom vs 'helicopter mom', or as are you more intentional and thought-out in your parenting?

I understood it as the second way. I'm not a helicopter mom at all, actually ppl say I'm more chilled than the typical. But I'm very intentional and I mindfully choose parenting approaches that work for me and align with my values, not just going with the flow like I think I would have done more of had I had kids easily and right away.

OP, I'm curious, which one did you mean?

I wanted to hear about both anxiety and mindful parenting but I wouldn’t necessarily lump the two together.

amother

Red

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 6:50 am

I thought the opposite. I had my first at 35. I'm an intense person in some ways but I was definitely way more intense and extreme when I was ten years younger. I actually thought that that's why youngest tend to be raised by parents way less overbearing than oldest kids. I think most people tend to chill out a bit when they get older (unless there's an untreated mental health issue, then obviously things can get worse). That's maybe one reason why you see more college students intensely protesting random stuff, or why most serial killers tend to be men between certain ages, I forgot the lower end but the upper was 35. You'll always get one-off crazies, but I think after a certain age more people tend to be less intense versions of their older selves.