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Forum
-> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
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amother
DarkYellow
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 Mon, Jul 01 2024, 4:58 pm
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My sister, yes. A strangers kid? I don’t know. How do you know if it’s the right fit?
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Raw
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Mon, Jul 01 2024, 5:13 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Curious what you consider reasonable babysitting? |
Hard to say exactly but of course I wouldn’t be unfair. Say, 45 mins after school to cover the gap till I get home from work, or evenings if I’m at a wedding and the kids are all in bed anyway.
So basically to spare me the hassle of hiring a sitter for instances where all I require is an adult in the home. My thought process is if I’m helping a boarder out, they can also help me out.
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amother
Gardenia
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Mon, Jul 01 2024, 6:22 pm
Never.
My parents had a border for years and it was very challenging. The room was never available so it limited who could come for Shabbos. If she was away than we had to be careful not to touch her things. And the biggest issue even if it’s someone we wanted around and were okay with them taking up space, is yichud. There were so many more times this was a problem than my parents thought it would be.
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amother
Clear
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Mon, Jul 01 2024, 7:40 pm
| Raw wrote: | | Hard to say exactly but of course I wouldn’t be unfair. Say, 45 mins after school to cover the gap till I get home from work, or evenings if I’m at a wedding and the kids are all in bed anyway. |
Realistically a lot of high schools end later than elementary, so a teen boarder might not be available for babysitting right after school anyway
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amother
OP
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Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:09 pm
| Raw wrote: | Hard to say exactly but of course I wouldn’t be unfair. Say, 45 mins after school to cover the gap till I get home from work, or evenings if I’m at a wedding and the kids are all in bed anyway.
So basically to spare me the hassle of hiring a sitter for instances where all I require is an adult in the home. My thought process is if I’m helping a boarder out, they can also help me out. |
That does sound reasonable and very doable-if the HS and elementary schoo; kids all get home at the same time.
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Chayalle
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Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:36 pm
| amother Clear wrote: | | Realistically a lot of high schools end later than elementary, so a teen boarder might not be available for babysitting right after school anyway |
And they have times where they wouldn't be available later in the evening to babysit, for example when they have play practice, or if they want to study with a friend for tests.
I think a boarder should be treated same as someone would treat their own daughter, which, IMVHO, the norm would be no expectations during these times; put teen ahead of your own needs when her social and school life is important.
I would not take a boarder even though my house is BH emptying out during the week right now. I have one teen left and she would hate it, it's not her speed. Plus I need the space on Shabbosim for my couples, and don't want to have to straighten up for them constantly from boarder.
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amother
Cadetblue
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Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:42 pm
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I mean, I wish I was kind enough to do so, but I have little kids and no privacy as it is. I can’t imagine taking in another child, but whoever does, kudos
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amother
Fuchsia
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Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:42 pm
I think it’s beautiful people can do chessed for others.
Op why would u impose this chessed on others? Why should someone else have to feed etc your child shouldn’t u be contributing to basic expenses? Something? I dont get this attitude.
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amother
Mulberry
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Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:21 pm
| amother Fuchsia wrote: | I think it’s beautiful people can do chessed for others.
Op why would u impose this chessed on others? Why should someone else have to feed etc your child shouldn’t u be contributing to basic expenses? Something? I dont get this attitude. |
I am thinking along the same lines but didn't feel comfortable saying it. But here goes: Your child, your responsibility. You can't expect someone else to host them for free for the next four years. This is a huge ask! Chesed / Hachnasat Orchim is periodically having someone over. But for four years straight? Including meals etc? I think that's taking advantage of someone's kindness. Besides, I wouldn't have my DD live with a family I don't know extremely well, for safety reasons.
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amother
Sunflower
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Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:54 pm
I boarded for 6 years. I stayed with 4 different families over those years. My parents paid every time. For two of those families, we had a special arrangement that we paid a discounted rate in exchange for help with babysitting. But we still paid. Over the years, my parents must have shelled out close to $100k for boarding fees for all their children. That is the cost of living oot without suitable high schools.
I'm sorry op, but you have a very unfair expectation, especially in light of current inflation.
ETA: One of the families I lived with definitely took me in purely for the chessed aspect of it. I think you don't understand what a tremendous chessed this is, whether you're getting paid or not!!
Also, if the boarding fee is unaffordable for you, I advice you to seek out more tuition help from the school in order to cover the boarding fee, versus expecting free boarding.
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amother
Lawngreen
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Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:58 pm
Family or close friend’s kids yes. Strangers, no.
It’s a huge liability to host a girl for 4 years.
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amother
Fuchsia
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Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:59 pm
| amother Sunflower wrote: | I boarded for 6 years. I stayed with 4 different families over those years. My parents paid every time. For two of those families, we had a special arrangement that we paid a discounted rate in exchange for help with babysitting. But we still paid. Over the years, my parents must have shelled out close to $100k for boarding fees for all their children. That is the cost of living oot without suitable high schools.
I'm sorry op, but you have a very unfair expectation, especially in light of current inflation. |
Over the years ive shelled out similar for my own kids at home! But in all seriousness I agree with you. Your kids your responsibility. (Kind of reminds me of deadbeat dads attitudes re child support.)
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abound
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Tue, Jul 02 2024, 12:37 am
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My first reaction was no...but then I realized I did it for a year....! So I guess it deprnds on the circumstance.
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Raw
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Tue, Jul 02 2024, 12:40 am
| amother Clear wrote: | | Realistically a lot of high schools end later than elementary, so a teen boarder might not be available for babysitting right after school anyway |
True. My kids are still quite young so I’m not sure what time older kids typically end or what kind of after-school they generally have.
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amother
Ivory
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Tue, Jul 02 2024, 1:20 am
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No. Not healthy for dh to have a single girl around. I heard too many stories.
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amother
Nemesia
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Tue, Jul 02 2024, 1:32 am
| amother Ivory wrote: | | No. Not healthy for dh to have a single girl around. I heard too many stories. |
What stories?
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amother
Cerulean
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Tue, Jul 02 2024, 7:35 am
I don't know how many people have seen both sides like I have so I will give you my perspective.
Growing up my parents ran a hachnosas orchim house where people came and stayed for free. There were those who stayed many months and of course there was no pay...it was a chessed. It was in a separate wing of the house and for the most part, since it was a chessed there was little expectation although my parents went all out. If there was something they could not give/do they didn't. These were for the most part independent people whether families, older adults etc. When my sister was in seminary she hosted two of her oot friends for the year free of charge. Again this came with no expectations so if my mother was serving cereal and milk thats what was for supper take it or leave it. They also had my sister to 'take care of their needs' so if they needed a ride somewhere or anything personal they just asked her as a friend. Now I am married and was asked to take in a HS boarder many times. My oldest is not in HS and I turned it down many times even for pay. The dynamics of my house are not conducive for teenagers yet. My house settles down by 8pm (BH), the suppers I serve are kid food, shabbos is kid geared, etc. Then I was asked as a chessed to take in a boarder (who I knew from when I was growing up). They offered to pay but it was more that she was struggling at her current boarding house. I decided to do it as a chessed and boy is it a chessed even with pay. You have an achrayus to this girl to give her all she needs. Yes you need to feed her foods acceptable for her age, yes she will need occasional rides (although she really did her best to fend for herself), no you can't just go away for a shabbos since she will have nowhere to go, yes she will be around when ideally it should be just you and your husband, of course she will not be around when you need her to babysit.
To sum it up, some people I think don't realize the achrayus you are taking on when taking in a boarder. This is their home for the year. They need to be able to live. They are not looking for a bed and food. They need a home. Whether for money or pure chessed it is a huge favor and achrayus.
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amother
Zinnia
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Tue, Jul 02 2024, 7:46 am
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I was a boarder (I think my parents paid a minimal amount) and I’m amazed that my boarding family had so many boarders over the years! It’s so hard! Basically never having privacy! But I’m so grateful to them.
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amother
Sunflower
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Tue, Jul 02 2024, 7:50 am
| amother Cerulean wrote: | I don't know how many people have seen both sides like I have so I will give you my perspective.
Growing up my parents ran a hachnosas orchim house where people came and stayed for free. There were those who stayed many months and of course there was no pay...it was a chessed. It was in a separate wing of the house and for the most part, since it was a chessed there was little expectation although my parents went all out. If there was something they could not give/do they didn't. These were for the most part independent people whether families, older adults etc. When my sister was in seminary she hosted two of her oot friends for the year free of charge. Again this came with no expectations so if my mother was serving cereal and milk thats what was for supper take it or leave it. They also had my sister to 'take care of their needs' so if they needed a ride somewhere or anything personal they just asked her as a friend. Now I am married and was asked to take in a HS boarder many times. My oldest is not in HS and I turned it down many times even for pay. The dynamics of my house are not conducive for teenagers yet. My house settles down by 8pm (BH), the suppers I serve are kid food, shabbos is kid geared, etc. Then I was asked as a chessed to take in a boarder (who I knew from when I was growing up). They offered to pay but it was more that she was struggling at her current boarding house. I decided to do it as a chessed and boy is it a chessed even with pay. You have an achrayus to this girl to give her all she needs. Yes you need to feed her foods acceptable for her age, yes she will need occasional rides (although she really did her best to fend for herself), no you can't just go away for a shabbos since she will have nowhere to go, yes she will be around when ideally it should be just you and your husband, of course she will not be around when you need her to babysit.
To sum it up, some people I think don't realize the achrayus you are taking on when taking in a boarder. This is their home for the year. They need to be able to live. They are not looking for a bed and food. They need a home. Whether for money or pure chessed it is a huge favor and achrayus. | Yes, I think OP is not understanding this. It is a huge chessed to take in a boarder EVEN for pay.
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amother
PlumPink
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Tue, Jul 02 2024, 8:26 am
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I daven that hashem give me the space and the abundance to be able to do such chassadim in grace.
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