I smacked my daughter. Hard. :(

amother

Antiquewhite

Yesterday at 6:12 pm

amother Buttercup wrote:

The only frum man I've known who acted this way to his wife, was seriously mentally ill. I doubt it had anything to do with how he was raised, which probably was during the 1950s and 60s.

I grew up at a time where lots of us, both boys and girls in the frum community, were slapped across the face (it was acceptable 30+ years ago in most frum families), and none of us grew up to be abusive to their spouses. However, this was also the generation where the teen otd phenomena started, and I don't think that's unconnected. And, for many of us, when we first started raising kids, our first instinctive reaction be to get physical with misbehaving kids. Because that was how we were conditioned by our upbringing, and it was pretty horrifying to realize this about ourselves and realize we can and should do better. I see a difference with kids who have been raised with and without smacking. I know personally it took years for me to feel comfortable being around my parents and not cringe or get a stomachache when they were stressed out because I was conditioned to expect a physical reaction, even after they had stopped. (No they weren't abusive, but for a sensitive child, smacking or slapping can leave long lasting effects, especially when done in anger. I want better for my own children and for myself.

This . This. This. Same experience.

amother

Burlywood

Yesterday at 6:16 pm

amother Brown wrote:

Without going into the many other reasons of not hitting, do you know what the Torah says about someone who hits their child out of anger?
It's NOT pretty.
This was not a calculated potch from a calm and calculated place.

(Don't misquote me, I am not saying this to OP who already feels guilty and regrets what she did. I am saying this in response to this quoted post)

No, could you share?

↑ mommy3b2c ↓

Yesterday at 6:20 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

This is the same quote the Woke use to justify not punishing criminals who come from disadvantaged homes.

That's why murder and robbery are out of control.

Interestingly enough , most violent crimes are comitted by people who come from the type of communities that think good parenting is smacking them. Frum people who are generally much gentler parents have a lot less murder and robbery . Interesting food for thought .

amother

Garnet ↓

Yesterday at 6:25 pm

amother Blushpink wrote:

So many responses telling OP what she should NOT have done.

Zero responses giving an actual response to a better way to respond in such situations.

So, for those of you that would NEVER hit and consider it abuse. How should / would you respond in this situation? Practical advice is always best.

OP- I would also have a conversation with your daughter about why lifting someone’s skirt is such a bad thing, and if she does that to anyone else, The consequences may be way worse.

Would you say the same thing on a thread from a boss who lost control and hit an employee, a wife who lost control and smacked her husband, or an adult slapping their sibling? Because those who see hitting children as abuse see it the same way as that.

↑ #BestBubby ↓

Yesterday at 7:14 pm

amother Garnet wrote:

So according to you, children are the equals of adults.

I guess you feel parents have no rights to punish children at all, they are the same as a spouse or sibling.

How woke.

amother

↑ Teal ↓

Yesterday at 7:19 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

So according to you, children are the equals of adults.

I guess you feel parents have no rights to punish children at all, they are the same as a spouse or sibling.

How woke.

So according to you children are not human beings & may be slapped & hit. And parents are "entitled" to hit their children & children deserve it.
But doing the same to an adult is unacceptable??
Do you not understand how absurd this is?

amother

↑ Aubergine ↓

Yesterday at 7:30 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

So according to you, children are the equals of adults.

I guess you feel parents have no rights to punish children at all, they are the same as a spouse or sibling.

How woke.

Children are people who deserve respect and care. Why do you think that they deserve to be physically hurt?

Do you hear what you’re writing and promoting?

It’s very concerning.

We should protect children, not hurt them.
My kids are gentle, kind and respectful and I have never hit any of them.

There is no need to hit kids to have good kids.
Hitting kids will cause tremendous emotional harm and mental illness.

amother

↑ Aubergine ↓

Yesterday at 7:32 pm

amother Garnet wrote:

Calling things "woke" as a catchall for everything you don't like is so pointless.

No one should be promoting hitting children as any form of chinuch.
It’s not chinuch and it’s hurting children.

amother

↑ Teal ↓

Yesterday at 7:39 pm

amother Magenta wrote:

all these beautiful post saying how unacceptable this smack was...
I would like to see you react to such a situation...

Read the thread, this was discussed several times.
Slapping a child across the face should never be an option or cross a parents radar.

amother

↑ Aquamarine ↓

Yesterday at 7:39 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

So according to you, children are the equals of adults.

I guess you feel parents have no rights to punish children at all, they are the same as a spouse or sibling.

How woke.

No, children and adults are not equal. What many of us are saying is that there are many other ways to parent kids that doesn't include hitting them.
It seems like you only want to hear that hitting children is a beautiful way to be them mechanech. When someone points out to you how painful it would be for an adult to physically hurt another adult to show you how much worse it is when a defenseless child get physically hurt, all you see is that they're being treated as equals? Seriously? If you were the kid would you want to get smacked?

What's funny is that OP felt bad about her actions and was looking to vent and get guidance on how to do better. I'm confused why people here are advocating hitting if that's not what she wants to do???

amother

↑ Aquamarine ↓

Yesterday at 7:47 pm

amother Magenta wrote:

all these beautiful post saying how unacceptable this smack was...
I would like to see you react to such a situation...

Firstly, I don't think anyone judges the OP for the smack. There's a big difference in smacking a kid out of shock and deregulation that believing hitting kids is good for them.
Secondly, I can share what I did.
I'm a survivor of csa and being touched by my kids without me seeing it coming triggers a huge reaction in me. On dd as a toddler would wrap her hands around my leg from behind me all the time. It would make me feel like I'm being strangled to death. I yelled many times at her. But I never physically hurt her. I also continously work through my traumas to help me not be aa triggered.
I'm an adult who knows deeply in my bones how it feels to be hurt as a child. I would never do anything similar to my kids. I make plenty mistakes as a parent but I don't glorify my mistakes. Instead I do my best to show up as a better mom every day.

amother

↑ Aquamarine ↓

Yesterday at 7:54 pm

amother Teal wrote:

OTOH, a child that was physically abused, will grow up to be a physically abusive adult.
Chinuch doesn't mean slapping our children. Of course we shouldn't allow our children to get away with everything, and we need to instill proper middos. But slapping our kids isn't the way to do it.

Or they will grow up to be a beautiful human being who struggles daily because of how wounding the physical/mental/emotional/s-xual abuse was.
They will never perpetuate the pain on other but inside they are shattered who fight internal battles to be a functional and wholesome person.

To those who think hurting kids is OK, are you really ok doing this to the child God entrusted in your care?

amother

Cobalt ↓

Yesterday at 8:01 pm

amother DarkMagenta wrote:

This is my brother unfortunately, awfully abusive to his wife, although not physically 😔 He was the baby in the family and my mother let him get away with EVERYTHING. He would berate, embarrass, yell, pull my mother's snood off. We would always beg my mother to put a stop to it saying that she's creating a monster. Well, what can I say, poor, poor sil. She has our full sympathy and support.

I know someone like this as well. There's a posuk in Eichah that talks about such mothers - nashim rachmanios bishlu es yaldeihem.

amother

↑ Teal ↓

Yesterday at 8:01 pm

amother Aquamarine wrote:

This, very well said. Very good point.

↑ #BestBubby ↓

Yesterday at 8:02 pm

You are all deliberately misrepresenting what I said.

I am not advocating for children to be hit for every minor misbehavior.

But when a child repeatedly does something so extreme like repeatedly pinching a parent
And then pulling up the parents skirt
😲

THEN a strong punishment is appropriate.

And 19 other mothers agreed with that - see pg. 1.

Last edited by #BestBubby on Wed, Jan 08 2025, 8:32 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ Cobalt ↓

Yesterday at 8:04 pm

amother Brown wrote:

I don't know where you got this from, the Torah says no such thing. There are many places that chazal say the exact opposite.

↑ #BestBubby ↓

Yesterday at 8:05 pm

I have been on imamother for 6 years.

And every time a parent posts about a child who hits a parent, they were raised by parents who think it is wrong to give a potch for ANYTHING no matter how bad.

This is obviously a child who was never adequately punished for ANYTHING, that is why she feels entitled to do whatever she wants including assaulting a parent and pulling up her skirt.

Last edited by #BestBubby on Wed, Jan 08 2025, 8:08 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Blue ↓

Yesterday at 8:05 pm

What does "equal" mean?
Equally a neshama, a treasure of Hashem.
Deserving equal dignity, as a person created by Hashem.

Do we dare hurt a child, a neshama that was with Hashem not so long ago?
Do we dare scar the dignity of a neshama, when it needs to feel its royalty?
A sapling with a scratch chv cannot grow straight and tall.
We must give our children their dignity, teach them that this is something that can never be taken away from them.