No money for yom tov

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 8:30 am

amother Cornsilk wrote:

You have two separate problems. A lack of money/food/time and so on, and a communication problem with your husband. My own sister in law called me to ask for the phone number of an organization that gives out clothing before Yom Tov. She has a large family and low income and knows that she needs to do this in order to raise her family. She is not embarrassed. If you don’t have supplies for Yom Tov, and you can get a lot of supplies, then it is probably time to bite the bullet on the embarrassment.

I think that many of us struggle with this in some fashion. My husband and I both earn decent salaries, but there is a limit as to how much tuition we can pay, especially when the kids get older and the tuitions get higher. I am thinking about going down the road of applying for financial aid, even though it’s embarrassing and we might get rejected. It’s just that as life goes on, something’s got to give. You need food, you need clothing. You need shelter. You need to give your kids the bare bones of a normal life.

I don’t think it’s a communication thing. We communicate about it. But his approach is different. His approach is, I’ll ask for a raise it will get better. My approach is, let’s take tzedaka. I can’t make him be comfortable with it. I’m not so uncomfortable but he has a lot of connections in the community and he is.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 8:31 am

amother Banana wrote:

An additional issue that perhaps you and your husband can work on: you are so blessed to live in a city with so many caring rabbonim, a shul on almost every other block. Is there a deeper reason you dont have a relationship with any of them? It would be so helpful to you as a couple and a family to establish a relationship with a rov who knows you as a couple as a family and community member. The rabbonim are here to help but if no one knows you they cant help. The local organizations work closely with the rabbonim.

So we actually do but can’t ask. I can’t elaborate otherwise I’ll out myself but it’s complicated and we don’t have a rav to ask

amother

Yarrow

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 8:41 am

amother OP wrote:

What does he say when you say you have no money for food right now

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 8:52 am

amother Yarrow wrote:

What does he say when you say you have no money for food right now

Well we have food in the house so we aren’t starving B”H, and will be getting paid next week so even though we are behind in many things and that money can go to those things he’s ok to wait and use it for food. It’s a different outlook. Is it healthy? Not necessarily. But I can’t change it. I try to get when I can that isn’t right in his face, but I won’t get something if it’s right in his face. So he knows, but not glaring. Like I have gotten money from the organization in the past and it comes to the bank account so he glances at it and moves on, but he’s really uncomfortable with torched shabbos. Sorry I can’t change that

amother

Navy

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 9:14 am

It's a very hard situation to be in. It's hard. The dignity. Being respected in community, not feeling like not making it. Being a nebach. It's much nicer to be on giving end then on receiving end. Maybe he needs someone to talk to.

I know how it is, my husband was always the giver, but then we were in crisis, with a kid sick in hospital and my husband couldn't work properly. We were getting food pckges delivered that someone set up for a us. It's was a huge help financially. My husband was so embarrassed and wanted to stop it. He once saw person who delivered it.....in beginning my mom sent for it, it went to her home and my husband picked it up from there. Then when she was away for the summer, they delivered to my home. Then when they didn't do that, my husband was urged to pick up, and once my husband saw someone he knows volunteering there, he refused to pick up and we passed the summer without the food. As soon as he got a decent job and my child got better, he stopped them. All of sudden my grocery bill for the week went up with $300. They gave plenty that I even shared with others, the surplus. ( my mom arranged two types of food pckges, and some things were overlapping, and fresh produce us perishable so I shared the bounty with middle class family member living next to me. She didnt know where it's coming from. I just told her I have extra if this and that if she can use it )

amother

↑ Cantaloupe

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 9:36 am

amother OP wrote:

Thank you so much! I couldn’t have thought of that myself. I will right now make DH change his mind about getting help, leave him to watch all the kids on Friday afternoon while I go get it from a house of someone he knows and is very embarrassed about them knowing. Thanks for the advice, you are truly a lifesaver.

Seriously though, do you think I haven’t thought and thought about how and whether I should do it? Right now the options they have don’t work for us. I wish they had a pickup much closer to me that I could pickup while he is still at work. But beggars can’t be choosers, I know. So right now I’m keeping my shalom Bayis intact and not getting it

You have a shalom bayis issue.
If your husband is a normal guy, I DK about that ,why is he not worried?
Your first post says we have nothing I can't even buy a bottle of milk.
On page 6 you write, we won't starve, getting paid next week.
Although it seems like you're in a hard spot right now people have been suggesting many ideas of how to get food and you have rejected all of them.
Tomchei shabbos was created just for this purpose. When your husband will think there's an issue, he will accept it as humbling as it is.
I wish your parnassa to improve for the year to come!
I apologize if I came across as not caring, that was not my intention.
(From amother who accepts tomchei shabbos because right now that's what I need to do in my life's circumstances)
Money doesn't fall from the skies. Hashem gives it to us in many ways, some get great jobs ,some have rich parents ,some win the lottery and some get tomchei shabbos.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 9:46 am

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

DH is not worried because he lives differently. He’s just not a worrier. No we couldn’t buy milk that day, we had other food. The next day I got a refund from Amazon and bought one bottle. He just thinks things will work out in the end.
And yes I know some take tomchei shabbos, I’ve said many times I don’t have issue with it, but DH does.

What ideas of getting food did I reject? I said I already go to the kosher food pantry (I elaborated above on what they give) to the weekly produce drive. It doesn’t give those staples though like yogurt/ milk. And for what it’s worth we are on the cusp of qualifying for the kosher food pantry, if we make a little more we won’t qualify

amother

Lavender

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 9:50 am

Maybe try signing up for Prolific? You can do studies during free moments here and there. I’ve made over 2k on the site so far this year.

https://www.prolific.com/participants

They do have a wait list but if you’re lucky and they want your demographic, they might take you off it within a few days. Others stay on the list for months or years.

amother

↑ Steelblue ↓

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 10:25 am

For all those who are not and haven’t ever been in op’s situation, please don’t judge her or her husband! Don’t tell her that she has shalom bayis issues, don’t tell her that her husband has issues, don’t tell her that if she was really worried then she would figure it out! U have no idea what it’s like and I don’t ever wish it upon u to have to know!
I’m in the same situation as her and asking for help or taking from organizations is brutal!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 1:49 pm

amother Steelblue wrote:

Thank you!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Oct 01 2024, 7:44 am

Ok so I reached out to tomchei shabbos. They can have it for me to pickup but it’s in the other neighborhood and there is no way I can get there Friday afternoon to get it.

They are giving me a small monthly stipend but it’s going straight to back bills (mortgage).

I don’t understand how this is supposed to work. How am I supposed to shop for yom tov? I gave up on the clothing. I just can’t buy for my kids they’ll have to figure it out.

For food though, I’m not buying anything special, just using what we have on the house (have a roast from pesach and have some chicken on the bone in freezer).

But what about produce and other various items we need? (Nothing big at all, just fill ins). It’s just so sad to go into yom tov and I can’t get what we need.
I hate asking for help, I wish there was more help available.
There is help for kollel families and teachers but for DHs unique position there is nothing. Absolutely nothing.

amother

↑ Springgreen ↓

Tue, Oct 01 2024, 8:21 am

amother OP wrote:

Kemach only helps kollel families and teachers? I know for sure before pesach it’s given to families who need financial assistance.

Are you on the local WhatsApp groups? People are always asking for someone to pick up their boxes. People also post to give away food and clothes (not tzeddakah, what they don’t need.) Also I don’t know the details but once a month UH gives away free fruits and veggies and it’s available to everyone.

For tomchei shabbos, is there a pickup option for today? I have some extra time this afternoon before the kids come home and then again tonight. I’m happy to get it on your behalf and you could pick it up from me or I could drop it off. I don’t know a lot of people here so almost positive I don’t know you. (And if I do, just know that I understand… I’ve been there too.)

Please let me help you make your Yom tov a little nicer! In a few years, things will be better and you can pass it forward.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Oct 01 2024, 8:25 am

amother Springgreen wrote:

No. We get kemach. I still have an outstanding bill with them, but I think they understand I can’t pay it right now. They let me take my things.

I’m on groups, yes.

That’s so nice of you to offer. I don’t really know if there is a pickup option today. They just told me Fridays at her house after 3. Which I cannot do.