Bringing in more money than husband

ittsamother

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 2:21 pm

amother Aconite wrote:

Great concept BTW.

And you know what other concept exists? Women who are not going out to work becouse it's not ideal or workable for them.

And as you so well said, We're just lucky we have communal support for the desperate!

Thank you Hashem!

There's a vast, vast difference between not ideal and not workable. "Not ideal" is not an excuse, to most people who have no interest in giving tzedakah to support someone who really could be supporting themselves but it's just not ideal. It's not ideal for me to work either. Rolling Eyes

But I roll up my sleeves and be an adult and do what I need to do.

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 3:37 pm

ittsamother wrote:

But I roll up my sleeves and be an adult and do what I need to do.

Okay, Take out the word not ideal from my post. Wasnt meant to press on that.

amother

Geranium

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 3:43 pm

amother Cherry wrote:

I once heard a man (of course!) say that the reason there's epidurals now is because women took on Adam's curse of working to support the family, so Hashem took away Chava's curse of painful childbirth to balance it out. LOL

We don't deal with painful childbirth.We deal with RAISING THE CHILDREN for 20 years ... and waking up in middle of the night and everything a-z. Its not about epidurals. Is this a joke?

ittsamother

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 3:46 pm

amother Geranium wrote:

We don't deal with painful childbirth.We deal with RAISING THE CHILDREN for 20 years ... and waking up in middle of the night and everything a-z. Its not about epidurals. Is this a joke?

Tzaar gidul banim is for both parents though!

amother

Wandflower

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 3:50 pm

amother Geranium wrote:

We don't deal with painful childbirth.We deal with RAISING THE CHILDREN for 20 years ... and waking up in middle of the night and everything a-z. Its not about epidurals. Is this a joke?

You should not be doing everything a-z for your child rearing! It is a shared responsibility. If you’re a SAHM then you have more responsibility than a working mom but it’s shared nonetheless when your husband is home from work.

amother

Molasses

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 4:41 pm

ittsamother wrote:

According to American Society of Anesthesiologists, more than 60% of laboring patients choose to get an epidural. According to yalemedicine.org, that number is higher, at an estimated 70-75% of women who give birth. So clearly for most people, they would rather the epidural than the labor pain. (And I'm sure a nice chunk of these are return customers, since many people have more than 1 kid.)

I got epidurals every time and never did it completely take away the pain of childbirth, certainly not the pain of recovery.

ittsamother

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 6:19 pm

amother Gardenia wrote:

women working is a problem we brought upon ourselves
doesnt have to be this way

See I've heard this a lot and never understood it. Facts on the ground are we have a certain amount of expenses, and my husband's salary is not going to cover it alone. So... what's the next step? How did I bring this upon myself? It would make no difference to me if any other woman were working or not, all I know is WE have expenses that aren't being covered by his salary.

synthy

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 8:36 pm

ittsamother wrote:

ITA that women need to carry a practical responsibility. But not the stress.

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 9:26 pm

ittsamother wrote:

Dh does not share with me exectly when he is more stressed or less. He always makes me feel comfortable spending what I need for the household and does not want me to be under stress financially.

He has a brain B"h and uses it. He does his part of the Kesubah with full responsibility.

amother

Strawberry

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 9:35 pm

amother DarkYellow wrote:

um epidurals are painful......very...

I found the epidural extremely painful...
it was B'H B'H short lived pain but still very painful (not just "uncomfortable")
but if the option is the agony of labor, yes I chose the epidural...

amother

Amethyst

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 11:38 pm

ittsamother wrote:

It’s not necessarily that you specifically brought this on yourself. But women in general fighting for the “right to work” lowered the average wage and raised the cost of living so that it eventually became difficult to support a family on just one income. Until it became standard for women to work, men were generally paid enough to support a family, because their employer knew that would be the only way to keep them. Additionally, when women joined the workforce it meant the workforce close to doubled. More supply=lower wages.

Edit: I’m curious about your specific situation, did your husband know before you married him that you expected him to be the primary breadwinner?

Mommyg8

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 11:49 pm

amother Amethyst wrote:

Women did not fight for the right to work. Women have always worked - as secretaries, nurses, teachers, cooks, parlor maids, laundry women... women wanted the right to work at at any job they wanted, even if it wasn't a secretary, nurse, etc. And they fought for a fair wage.

I don't agree that the non Jewish women goimg to work affected my cost of living. My cost of living- as a mother of a large Jewish family, as part of a family that pays tuition for multiple kids - has nothing to do with the non Jewish standard of living.

ittsamother

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 11:50 pm

amother Amethyst wrote:

I'm not sure if we ever laid it out like that. He definitely is very ambitious and driven, and he's putting all his effort into growing his business so that it should be enough to support the family on its own. He never intends to just sit back and float. And right now we're not under any stress to meet our bills per se, but if I weren't working it would definitely be far more stressful and iffy from month to month. But end of day, I am always willing to do what it will take from me to make sure our family is managing, I will never leave it to him alone to handle it all by himself. I wouldn't want the entire childraising or household dumped on me alone, I would find that too stressful, so we like it better this way.

notshanarishona

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 3:48 am

Being married is not about what is which person’s job. Part of being an adult is having a certain maturity to do what needs to be done and not keep tallying of who does what.
That argument sounds like something a teenager would say.
Being “right “ is not a great habit for shalom bayis.
Also, amother who argues that taking tzedka is ok if the woman doesn’t feel like working, I encourage you to look up the gemara’s opinion on taking tzedakah (especially when not needed).

happyness

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 7:01 am

amother Aconite wrote:

Again, Help does not equal required!

If you feel good and can take work on you, then why not? To help lift some of the burden from your housebend is super nice. If you are not in a stage where you can make it happen however, will someone say you violated your oath marriage? He has a right to ask now for a divorce? No! Becouse that would only be the case if you were required to not if you were good till now and helped as much as you could...

Can you really not distinguish between those 2?

Your perception of marriage is worrisome

happyness

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 7:12 am

amother Aconite wrote:

You said all Moms can go out to work these days. I replied to that what about all these yummy moms that are not out every day becouse they have too much at home to do if you believe they have to go out and help out with finances.

And your response now is?

Honey you are living completely in your head and I think most of those answering her are living in their heart…
The disconnect here is a bridge that doesn’t connect.

happyness

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 7:18 am

amother Aconite wrote:

In marriage, there is a concept of emotional connection and respect. If we are not afraid of our spouse, we feel safe to share our hearts with them. Our worries, fears, hopes, and dreams.
The way you are listing your expectations of life in such a rigid logical way, I worry your husband is afraid to do other than your post. He may very well not feel safe sharing his truth with you.

Marriage is about being there for each other. Theoretically, It may be the man’s burden but in a loving marriage it becomes -‘how can I help you feel good?’ It becomes a joint journey in which I have the best for my spouse in mind.

I know a woman with your beliefs. Her husband never complains or tells her anything. He has also borrowed from everyone he knows and been shamed in Shul for not paying back- but she’s parading as he never borrows and she’s proud of her beliefs.

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 7:49 am

amother Aconite wrote:

Maybe your husband has extraordinary financial success. Maybe he’s a saint with amazing emunah.

Personally I share my feelings with dh when I’m worried about which school to send our children to, how our children are doing emotionally and socially, how they’re behaving…

And he has exhibited stress when he was at financially precarious times in our life.

We are humans and it’s actually normal and maybe even healthy to express feelings.

(I work and bring in 1/3 of the income but also get involved in our investments. He does 1/3 of the housekeeping /childcare type of stuff)