Spoiling your kids for the sake of their popularity?

↑ Mrs.K

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 10:29 am

Thank you everyone for your advice and to Shalhevet for your wise words.
Obviously I know this isn't going to make her popular. I said it would help her "fit in". Hopefully in another year or 2 her dikduk will be perfect and things will be smoother.

Yo'ma, the 2 statements were not connected. I specifically wrote that I admired my parents principles, and I still do. The "old-school" was referring to my parents sticking to certain beliefs even if they saw that I was literally the grade weirdo for it. My parents were a good 20 years older then most of the other parents. Knowing this, I would think a wise approach is to understand that you just may not "get" the way things work "nowadays" and be open to a different pencil case or a different sweater. Just like I know I don't "get" what is considered "cool" to an Israeli 6 year old. I think that parents have to understand that sometimes they are out of their league and they just wont get the appeal of a certain fad. I still remember years ago when every Israeli was walking around collecting patterned napkins. Hello?? Did any mother who spent a couple of shekel on them have any idea why napkins were suddenly cool? Of course not. But they were flexible. That's the difference, the flexibility.

A small example would be a bas mitzvah party which they had never heard of before, and thought the whole idea was a "mishagas". Whether it is or isn't isn't the issue here, but the entire grade of 100 girls had one, besides me. I am not scarred for life and I'm not at all bitter about it. I'm actually kind of proud. BUT, there's no denying that if a child doesn't fit in, then being the 1 girl in 100 who is or isn't doing something doesn't really help matters.

shlomitsmum

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 10:33 am

Mrs K you did the right thing and as long as you draw the line at a reasonable point you are doing fine and even strenghtening the bond with your DD!

It's very sweet and positive that she trusts you and shares her needs with you .

Peer pressure is here forever... sadly, is the way of the world .... when we women grow up jelly pens turn into shaitels,weight, clothes etc

I think that saying "I'ts what's inside that counts" only works when a healthy middle ground is achieved and kids are neither spoiled nor deprived. wanting something is a oportunity for learning ,goal setting and responsbility.

here is how we deal with this Issue in our house.

when DD wants something we talk about it ,find out the underlying reason for the want and then we negotiate..( if it's something like jelly pens or stuff she can use for school,I get it at the dollar store) .

we then set goals and if what she wants is a expesive Item she works for it by doing aditional chores or even being a mothers helper ,that way we weed through the unnecesary stuff and learn delayed gratification the value of money and pride in accomplishing a goal .

She makes the ultimate choice on weather the Item is worth the extra chores....we make our chart add the points wich are worth dollars and when we complete the negotiated points ,the purchase is a go.
She beams!! Very Happy

I see how she treasures what she has earned , eg.. she bought a large TY monkey named tzipporah (LOL) for 40 dollars 3 years ago and still remembers shovelling snow to save for her and how she is still sits in her bed loved way more than stuff she just got free.

B'H she is growing to be so responsible and self controlled (like her daddy),she is even better than me! embarrassed

so this is what works in our house and living among very ,VERY whealthy classmates. Wink

If I kept up with the cohens ...I would be in deep. Rolling Eyes

BrachaC

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 10:41 am

It sounds like the OP is very aware of how her parents' attitudes influenced her life. I was another one of those mediocre kids who did not have anything cool, and took a long time to form a chevra of friends. This year we moved to a new city and when I went to buy my 8 year old new glasses I pushed her to go with the trendier pair. I knew it would make her look a little more put together and fashionable, and to be honest it worked. My DD has learning disabilities and does not excel in school, but her teachers see her as this mature, sweet, girl who is always willing to share her (extra special fancy) markers and are working to help her succeed in school. They have always given me credit for helping her stay on top of her work even before I really earned that reputation. Is it all because of her super-trendy glasses or extra special school supplies? No. But those things have helped her make friends and helped the teachers to see her strengths... I am only so sure of this because it is such a tremendous turn around from last year when the glasses were nerdy, the school supplies the cheapest and I just could not get her to look put together...

greentiger ↓

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 12:09 pm

I think there is enough advice here,but I just wanted to add in that most kids were "the teased one" at some point growing up.

Kids tease, that's what they do.

If its not weight, its glasses, name, hair color, height, parents profession, learning disability, and the list goes on and on. I am sure you can go through every girl in the class and they will each have a reason to tell you that they are the odd one out.

Instead of teaching your daughter that she needs to "fit in" and match everyone else, try strengthening her belief in her differences. Try and teach her to see the beauty of individuality. Stress how her differences make up who she is and that she should embrace that and not let anyone make her feel like being different is a bad thing.

Last edited by greentiger on Thu, Feb 05 2009, 12:10 pm; edited 1 time in total

anon ↓

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 12:09 pm

If G-d ever blesses me with wealth, I certainly hope that I never give my children "the best" of everything...the designer clothes, the fancy shabbas coats, the most stylish this and that, the birthday parties with expensive entertainment...I don't care if one can afford it, I think it teaches children to be spoiled, creates a "keep up with the joneses" mentality for the other children, and may create a holier than thou feeling in both my children and myself.

However, as long as I could afford it, I would try to make sure that my children don't dress "nerdy" and that they have the basic things that everyone has. If a certain special lunchbox will mean the difference between fitting in or being made fun of, I'll get the special lunchbox, it's not a big deal and won't make my child materialistic (IMO). Being picked on can be brutal.

In other words, I wouldn't want my children to stand out in either extreme. Not the best dressed and not the worst dressed.

↑ anon

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 12:12 pm

greentiger wrote:

yes, but certain children do stand out more than others. The issue of being seriously teased or ostracized in school should never be taken lightly, because it can be terribly painful at best and have long-term negative effects at worst. If the OP's child stands out already, for reasons which cannot be helped, then it would only be kind to her daughter to ensure that she doesn't have to stand out any more than she already does.

↑ greentiger

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 12:40 pm

anon wrote:

greentiger wrote:

I am not telling her whether she should or shouldn't buy the pens. I am just bringing up an important point since this is an issue that doesn't end in school, it continues all through life.

I think its also important for the OP not to project her own school experiences or insecurities on her daughter. It may very well be that since she had a hard time fitting in, she is scared of her daughter having the same experience and will go out of her way to have her daughter "be like everyone else". Once her daughter picks up on this weakness, she may end up abusing it to get her way.

The reason I am saying this is because I personally had a HELL of a school experience. If I would go into detail, you would not believe me that kids could be so mean. Kindergarten through 4th grade (till I changed schools), I was the odd one out. I would be lucky if it stopped at teasing. I often came home bruised from being pushed around. There was a popular class game where if someone touched me, they had to wipe their hand on someone else and the next girl passed my "cooties" on to the next victim till everyone got sick of the game and the last girl wiped her hand on the wall. The teachers were in denial or sipmly preferred not to get involved. My mother heard me complaining but had no clue to what extent I was suffering. It took me years to get over it and feel some sort of self-worth, and to be able to make friends. Do you know why I was teased?? Well my mother once approached one of the girls and asked what she has against me. The answer? "shes skinny" shock

. That's in a society that worships thin girls. I wasn't picked on because I was thin. I was picked on because I was insecure and that made me an easy victim. Had I been taught at the time to have a bit of confidence and proud of who I am, then no one would get a thrill out of picking on me. Just like a poster shared that a girl with the accent was the most popular girl in the class, we all know those popular girls who stand out and suddenly that strange accent becomes "cool", the weird name sounds suddenly unique and interesting and everyone wants curly hair when the girl who flaunts it has it.

↑ Raisin

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 12:43 pm

cassandra wrote:

bluesclues wrote:

I didn't read all the answers to the post but I'll tell you my opinion
I definitly think a parent should do whatever it takes to make the child feel good about themselves
if it takes those fancy markers or the new juicy sweatshirt so be it

Do you honestly think that a person's feelings of self-worth should come from what s/he owns?

not from what they own, but from how others treat them. Unfortunately, how others treat you is very dependent on your external appearance and belongings, as well as your character and personality.

I rememeber very well when I was 5 years old. When we came outside at recess, all the older girls (11-12 year olds) would run over and scoop up 2 or 3 of the cutest little 5 year olds. It was never me. Maybe I was cute and had a sweet personality but I guess my clothes (no doubt hand me downs) never looked as put together as the other kids, my mother cut my hair at home (don't tell her, but not all that successfully) and altogether I (not just me, other kids as well) just wasn't as appealing looking as the cute kids. I'm sure being hugged every day by older kids contributed greatly to these kids sense of self worth.

SingALong

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 5:27 pm

my DD's school is very strict about bringing these little prizes or shticky schoold supplies to school. in the beginning of the year,we got letters to keep the supplies simple, no hello kitty stuff. I find this a great rule. I get my DD small prizes for when she does good stuff but she knows that bringing them to school is a no-no and the teacher/principal may confiscate them. this way I get to buy her small things, and make her feel special for herself, not because someone else has it.
this rule was made to specifically prevent the jealousy issues mentioned.

some schools actually ask parents for money and go buy the supplies in bulk, so everyone will have the same thing. no sparkly pencil case or gel pens, just regular stuff.

OP u may want to mention this to your school principal, as an idea. your dd may not be the only one asking her mom get me this/that and other moms may appreciate it too