ds1 and simchas | Imamother

miriamnechama ↓

Sat, Jan 10 2009, 3:54 pm

The Breslov shul by our house when it was being built had different plans that fell through, when it was completed it started as a shul but then they fixed the upper part and during the week made that teh shul and turned the downstairs into a simcha hall except shabbos and chag where the men daven and women upstairs.

my 9 year old son every time he sees an invitation thinks great there's a wedding/ bar mitzva I'm going. he doesn't realize that when it's addressed to dh it has nothing to do with him.

he saw one wedding invitation and said great there's a wedding I'm going. then thursday night he comes in and we had been given an invitation for it he's like there's a bar mitzva.. I was like soo... he says I'm going... (all he's interested in is the cakes) I said no kids don't go... then he said but we got an invitation. I said the invitation was addressed to daddy and not you. I didn't know the familly so didn't bother going. ds pressed me and in the end dh said yo can go for 5minutes wish mazal tov but if there is a seuda you cannot stay.

he seems to think that because simchas take place every day in that hall he can go to any simcha he wants take what he wants etc and doesn't realize that it simchas cost. I don sometimes pop in to wish mazal tov even with out invite if I know someone but when the kids are asleep but very rarely.

I din't really know what to do about it,dh said if it says to fam then the whole fam is invited but if just the name.. like I have one this week...

also I hate the way he acts when I take him to a simcha... like he acts so importantly and eyes all the cakes drinks etc, alot of times I've regretted taking him especially as he doesn't behave when we come home at night and wakes up the next day in a bad mood.

how would you broach this subject with him??

shalhevet ↓

Sat, Jan 10 2009, 4:21 pm

I would just explain people put up a general invitation because they mean it for those who daven at their shul, their neighbours etc, but it is not mekubal for children to go unless they are close relatives or friends of the actual barmitzva boy.

You can explain to him that society has social cues (in simple words of course, on his level). Just like when someone you hardly know asks 'ma shlomcha?/ 'ma hainyanim?' (how are you), they don't expect (and it would be rude and inappropriate) to tell them about how you had flu two months ago, a cough last week, and now have a rash.

You should explain that this is also part of growing up, that as he gets older he will understand more what people really mean, or what is socially acceptable. That even though the invitation seems to be for everyone, people themselves know if they are really invited or not. Explain it would be difficult for him to write the names of everyone he knows who davens in the shul, and embarrassing and hurtful if he forgot someone.

Tell him that you will let him go to simchas you feel he is really invited to - his cousin's wedding, his good friend's brother's bar mitzva, but for now he has to let you decide.

↑ shalhevet

Sun, Jan 11 2009, 7:29 am

What difference does that make? The family making the simcha is paying; it's not paid for by the community.

Sorry, I misunderstood before and thought the invitation was put up in the shul. Now I think you meant you get these general invitations to your house. Again, your son just has to understand that they are meant for your husband and you and not for anyone else, no matter what is written on them. If it's anything like us, many of what we get aren't even really meant for us, but it's just a courtesy that you invite all your neighbours/ shul/ yeshiva/ whatever.

If your son still doesn't understand, I would just say that you don't let him go and that's it.