Grandparents missing a wedding, how to bring them joy?

↑ watergirl ↓

Yesterday at 2:58 pm

amother Lightblue wrote:

I’m so sorry op, I also have step parents and relatives who decided my wedding wasn’t important enough ( not lack of money nor time) and have zero regrets not including them.

I’m not sure what you are trying to accomplish with your post seeing as you know zero about my situation. This thread is not about them not being included, I only wrote that because of so many nice ideas I wanted to address it because its painful and I didn’t want them to continue.

But suffice it to say, the wedding is prohibitively far away and prohibitively expensive to travel. Older family members can’t go health wise and money wise.

I am the only step parent, and I am making a great sacrifice by not going because I have to stay home and take care have another relative so that that relative’s caretaker, who is a more important family member than me, can attend in person.

I’m not going to discuss the couple or the family dynamics or drama, it is inappropriate here. But believe me when I say everybody who is not able to go desperately wants to. That is why I am going out of my way to try to make my in-laws feel special.

I will add that it never fails to astound me how somebody will find thread written by a step parent, find a way to turn it around and use it as an opportunity to put us down. We know everyone hates us. No need to come bash me on my own thread that’s not even about being a step parent. I literally only mentioned it because it gives context to why as a “parent” I’m not attending.

↑ notshanarishona

Yesterday at 3:30 pm

watergirl wrote:

In theory, these are great ideas and would work with most people. This couple is not interested at all in doing anything to facilitate people who can't make it in person feel like they are part of the simcha. The chasson is refusing to even send invitations to people who are not coming, and he won't even give a specific time for the chuppah.

So I'm trying to make them happy while they are essentially not being thought of by the couple. Whatever I do has to be all me (and my husband, their son, facilitating the video).

Is there something you can to do explain to the chosson and kallah why the people who can’t come aren’t coming? Something sounds very off if he can’t understand logic like grandparents are too frail to travel and to take it so personally that he won’t even tell him what time the chuppah is. It would scare me as to their general maturity and emotional health and being ready to get married. Not saying this to be nosy, but I would be very concerned by such an extreme reaction .

PinkFridge

Yesterday at 3:36 pm

You never fail to impress me. I hope that joining your in-laws is a boost for both of you. You got great suggestions so far. (I like and was going to suggest mimicking the meal.)
Will your husband have any support there, someone to talk over the camera so he can do whatever Dad stuff he's supposed to do?

↑ watergirl ↓

Yesterday at 4:15 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

Thank you. Not trying to impress anyone! Just trying to make people happy Smile

My in-laws do like my cooking (it’s one thing I
Do right for them!) so that’s a great idea. IYH my husband will set up a tripod or something so he wont miss anything.

ra_mom

Today at 6:46 am

watergirl wrote:

You are too sweet. As the stepmom in this situation, my role is to support my husband and family however I can. It's not about me this time. IYH I will have my turn.

This made me choke up. Your family is lucky to have you BH!
Hashem should send you Simchos and Besuros Tovos always! Mazel, Bracha, peace and serenity and all things good in all that you do and everything around you. Heart

essie14

Today at 7:21 am

You are amazing.
We missed several weddings abroad during Covid and the war in Israel.
We dress up, put on makeup, and dance while we watch the Livestream.
Since you said your in laws like your food, maybe you can make some kind of a wedding style dinner and bring it to eat while you watch the wedding.
A boutonniere for your FIL and a corsage for your MIL would be adorable.
You're an incredible DIL and wife!!
Heart

scintilla ↓

Today at 7:47 am

Love all the ideas. Would they appreciate having people come by during the wedding to say mazal tov to them and maybe watch along with them? We made a covid simcha and people did that for my in laws (covid wasn't so bad where they were so people were able to come over). Maybe you can arrange for friends of theirs to come at a specific time, would make it more festive.

Also, if your husband is the one arranging the video, have him go around to people they know during the meal/quiet times so they can talk to them and feel involved.

One more idea that might not be feasible or appropriate for this situation but I'll just throw it out there. At a friend's wedding that was overseas and many couldn't attend, we printed out life size pictures of the friends that weren't there - just their faces - and had them laminated. We attached sticks (I think just popsicle sticks) and the kallah "danced" with them at the shtick part. It was more of a lighthearted thing than a serious representation of them. If you pm me I can try find a picture, it was many years ago already so I don't remember exactly what it looked like!

↑ watergirl ↓

Today at 8:00 am

scintilla wrote:

Thank you!

Sadly, VERY sadly, the family is not large at all. I spoke to my sister in law yesterday/brother in law and she's not interested in joining me so it'll be me and my kids. The only other family and anyone else my in-laws know who will be at the wedding are their other grandkids who are able to go. IYH they will come on and say hi. My MIL loves the local chabad rabbi so I am going to see if the rabbi can come dance with my FIL.

I love that you did that with the faces of the people who can't come. I can't see the couple doing this but I'll float it by my husband.

↑ scintilla

Today at 8:04 am

watergirl wrote:

Yeah I didn't get the impression they would want to do the faces thing but figured I'd just mention it!

For people coming over I actually meant friends of your in laws, if they have anyone locally. Like people who would come if they were making a simcha locally. The Chabad rabbi sounds like a great idea and maybe he can bring some people from the community along if you think that's a good idea. Or his kids if they'd appreciate that, kids usually help bring simcha:) or just in general tell him the situation and see if he has ideas.

↑ keym

Today at 8:10 am

When we made our bar mitzvah and our sons great-grandmother couldn't travel

We arranged that her 4 close friends came to her house for a "watch and celebrate" party with hors deouvers and champagne.
After my son finished his drasha, they popped the champagne and took a sip apiece and all the friends hugged and gushed over great-Grandma. (And how smart hir grandson was and how young she looked and how beautiful her kids are).

Can you do something like that. A few friends of MIL to celebrate her right after the chuppah (maybe with champagne)

amother

↑ Peachpuff

Today at 9:57 am

watergirl wrote:

Thank you. Not trying to impress anyone! Just trying to make people happy Smile

My in-laws do like my cooking (it’s one thing I
Do right for them!) so that’s a great idea. IYH my husband will set up a tripod or something so he wont miss anything.

If at all possible (and I understand it might not be), it would be better if he could get someone else to do the videoing or tripod. I know it sounds simple but it's one more thing. And he sounds like two important member of the family to be busy with technical stuff.

And it's the type of thing that many people are happy to do. Even a neighbor who's coming cuz he has to and now has something to do with his time. If you have anyone to ask. If it's a big enough Jewish community, they probably have a organization that does this.

↑ watergirl

Today at 9:58 am

amother Peachpuff wrote:

Yeah, he is working on finding a better solution.