Grandparents missing a wedding, how to bring them joy?

watergirl ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 2:38 pm

Mazel tov, one of my stepkids is getting married in a week. My in-laws are not able to travel to the wedding and neither am I (which is horrible and sad and not the point of this thread). My husband will be there to marry his child off BH.

The question is, what can I do to help my in-laws feel like they are part of the day? My husband will be setting up a camera and they will be able to watch it via zoom.

I was thinking of surprising them with a corsage/boutonniere and white wedding style cupcakes and dancing with my MIL. They are about an hour and change away from me.

They are the sort to hate everything and complain. But I know it's hurting my MIL that she is missing it and I want to do something to make her feel like she is not forgotten.

What else can I do on that day?

amother

Coffee

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 2:54 pm

By my nephews Bar Mitzvah that was by COVID we all received a nice restaurant style meal with the logo of the bar mitzvah on the bag for us to have whilst on Zoom. It was really nice.
If you go can you set the table like a restaurant/wedding table and make it feel like they are part of it just in a different room

amother

Hyacinth

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 3:11 pm

Get them to briefly Facetime with chosson and kallah separately before chuppah, and together afterwards. Also with other people if possible so there are lots of smiles and mazeltovs!

amother

Pewter

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 3:12 pm

Can your FIL (and MiL) write a bracha for your DH to read to the Kallah at the Badekin or a dvar Torah/bracha to share at the chassan’s tish (and capture on zoom)?

I definitely love the idea of you being with them in person, watching together and having cake.

↑ watergirl ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 3:33 pm

amother Pewter wrote:

Can your FIL (and MiL) write a bracha for your DH to read to the Kallah at the Badekin (and capture on zoom)?

I definitely love the idea of you being with them in person, watching together and having cake.

amother Hyacinth wrote:

Get them to briefly Facetime with chosson and kallah separately before chuppah, and together afterwards. Also with other people if possible so there are lots of smiles and mazeltovs!

amother Seablue wrote:

Make sure they are mentioned at the chuppah so they feel a part of it, ideally have people wave to the camera.

In theory, these are great ideas and would work with most people. This couple is not interested at all in doing anything to facilitate people who can't make it in person feel like they are part of the simcha. The chasson is refusing to even send invitations to people who are not coming, and he won't even give a specific time for the chuppah.

So I'm trying to make them happy while they are essentially not being thought of by the couple. Whatever I do has to be all me (and my husband, their son, facilitating the video).

amother

↑ Seablue

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 3:36 pm

Then this is even more special of you!

I loved the idea of getting a restaurant meal and fancy dessert and champagne. Pin on a corsage and dance with them.

If it is helpful/comforting in any way, maybe read them the account of the Lubavitcher Rebbe's parents who were not present at their son's wedding.
https://www.chabad.org/therebb.....0.htm

↑ watergirl ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 3:41 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

That’s a great idea. They are not frum but love their local chabad shaliach.

↑ watergirl ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 4:13 pm

amother Peachpuff wrote:

Please don't forget to do some of these ideas for yourself. You also deserve to have joy that day.

You are too sweet. As the stepmom in this situation, my role is to support my husband and family however I can. It's not about me this time. IYH I will have my turn.

amother

↑ Peachpuff ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 4:16 pm

watergirl wrote:

You are too sweet. As the stepmom in this situation, my role is to support my husband and family however I can. It's not about me this time. IYH I will have my turn.

Even then there's room for you. Maybe not for announcing your name at the wedding but definitely for doing something small nice for yourself. Someone close to you is getting married and you deserve to celebrate, even if it's only with a glass of wine and fancy chocolate before bed.

(But if the situation's more painful and I'm being hurtful, tell me and I'll be quiet)

↑ watergirl ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 4:20 pm

amother Peachpuff wrote:

You are too sweet. There will 100% be chocolate in my future!

keym ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 4:33 pm

If you can encourage them to dress up before, makeup, corsages, etc, you can take pictures of them and possibly create a photoshopped picture of them with the couple and your husband (if the photographer allows) or just your husband and frame it and give it to them

We made a covid bar mitzvah so we did a lot of photoshop for parents and grandparents.

notshanarishona ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 4:40 pm

As someone who missed a siblings wedding (I was in Israel and couldn’t fly for medical reasons) , looking back dressing up , having a fancy meal would have made a big difference, something to create a simcha type of atmosphere . I remember feeling so sad after zooming in and I think some sort of celebration or something positive to do would have helped.

amother

Bubblegum

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 4:54 pm

We had a friend whose grandchild was getting married during Covid overseas and they couldn't go. We hired an AV guy and set up a screen, and then invited their friends to watch it. They got all dressed up and we decorated a bit. Maybe you could make them their own party on the day with some of their friends to come watch with them and make it more festive.

amother

Lightblue

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 4:57 pm

I’m so sorry op, I also have step parents and relatives who decided my wedding wasn’t important enough ( not lack of money nor time) and have zero regrets not including them.

amother

Dahlia

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 5:11 pm

Mazel Tov! Some things we did during covid when grandparents could not attend:

1. Encouraged them to dress up on the day of the wedding, including sheitels/hats, so would look nice in the video as if were attending in person. They can stay in slippers to be comfortable. Smile

2. Set up a table in front of the computer, with a linen tablecloth and a small vase of flowers.

3. During the kabbalas panim, warmed up "shmorg" type foods. Everyone loves franks n blanks, no matter how old!

4. During the main course, brought to their table china plates with a chicken/potatoes/green beans dinner, mimicking what they would have eaten at the wedding.

5. Invited some good friends/neighbors to come by to say mazel tov and dance briefly.

6. Dessert!