S/O knocking before entering house

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 5:17 am

Do you think it's weird for visiting parents/in-laws to expect to be given the code to the house to let themselves in? Especially when the woman of the house isn't working and practically always home during the day?

I was so mad. When my in-laws came recently, they expected to be given the code, and DH (who can't stand up to them ever) gave it to them. When they tried using it the next morning as I was getting myself dressed, I really got upset and insisted he tell them they can't use it. They can knock, and I can answer. Better yet, they can let us know they are coming over with a few minutes' notice.

If you think I'm being unreasonable, please be aware that there are plenty of other issues in this relationship. But I'm wondering if objectively this is considered normal or not.

organizewise

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 5:23 am

I'd say it depends how big your house/apartment is. If you have a house and your bedroom is on a different floor than the front door, it might be right to give them the code. But in an apartment, I can see how that would be intruding.

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 5:24 am

Neither my parents nor my in-laws ever enter my house without knocking or ringing the bell. I think this is totally appropriate. My dh’s grandparents had a key to his apartment which I moved into after we were married. They had a well intentioned but boundary pushing habit of letting themselves in to drop off a gift (or possibly to use the restroom when they were in our part of the city.) Eventually, we moved, but we did not give out keys. If we had had a push button lock, they definitely would have wanted it.

essie14

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 5:57 am

If someone is staying in your house then I think it's expected for them to have a key/the code.
If I was a guest I wouldn't want to be locked out of where I'm staying.
But if it's someone who is popping in to visit, I don't think they should have the code. I certainly don't want my parents or in laws walking into my house without me knowing.

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 6:03 am

amother OP wrote:

If they are staying with you a guests during visit from OOT you need to give code. Once they leave your change it.
Otherwise they shouldn't have access to your home.
Change the code and install a good lock.
Make firm boundaries.

amother

Fern ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 7:00 am

amother OP wrote:

Of course there are issues where there are no boundaries… OP, know you’re going to get ppl throwing tomatoes… but, a house is supposed to be your safe space… if you’re walking around in a nightgown your fil can walk in? If your house looks like happy chaos you’re expected to host? (And for the ppl that are going to respond get dressed, your house should always be clean… life doesn’t always work at the ideal…)

amother

Apple ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 7:12 am

I do not give the code to anyone. When parents, or in-law or anyone stays at my house, I still don't give the code. I am usually home and they will knock on the door . The one time my mother came and I was not home, she waited in the car 5 minutes until I came home. I did have the back door open for her, but she didn't want to use it. I just never give the code.

amother

Bronze

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 7:25 am

If they're not staying with you, there's no reason to give out your code.

We had to change our code once because of someone letting themselves in who'd previously stayed with us. It was a huge betrayal and shattered my trust in the person unfortunately

Ruchel

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 7:35 am

organizewise wrote:

THIS THIS THIS
We lived in an apartment before. I'm sorry but I don't want to see someone while going to the loo from my bed.
Now bh we're in a house, I'm on a different floor with KAH a parental suite (we installed it, not a real concept in many houses) and... very different. Also if they're the type to seek me out in my bedroom, nope, never. Which bh isn't what my mil does.

amother

Cyan

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 7:45 am

If they’re spending the day at your house, eating all the meals with you then unless you’re always home I would expect them to have a way to get it.
My in laws wouldn’t give us a key to their house even if we were there for Shabbos or yontif, it was very frustrating and definitely did not make me feel welcome . We would end up standing outside if we took a walk and they decided to take a nap, or used the bathroom for a more extended period of time. During the week it’s easier to communicate but even then it’s hard to keep someone updated on every move you make, things don’t always take the amount of time you think they will.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 8:36 am

K, so I'm not totally wrong.

No, they weren't staying with us. And refused to get a sim for the long weekend they were here, but they could use whatsapp to contact my husband. He actually took off from work while they were here, so he was available too.

Yes, I live in a house, but the bathroom is straight ahead of the stairs so if I come out without tights, they'll see that - and happens to be, I did need to get out to get my tights...

Anyways, like I said there are other issues here (think removing money from DH's/our bank acct-type issues). So I was wondering what the 'norm' is.

Also, my parents live in the same town and would never show up without letting us know - and would NEVER ask for/use our number lock. I happened to give it to my mom when I needed her to let herself in once, but almost no chance she remembers it.

singleagain

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 9:12 am

amother OP wrote:

Anyways, like I said there are other issues here (think removing money from DH's/our bank acct-type issues). So I was wondering what the 'norm' is.

Why are they still on his/your accounts? You should change the passwords/PINs and take them off account if they are o. The account.

This is serious boundary crossing.

amother

↑ Fern ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 9:17 am

amother OP wrote:

K, so I'm not totally wrong.

Anyways, like I said there are other issues here (think removing money from DH's/our bank acct-type issues). So I was wondering what the 'norm' is.
.

One minute, what????

OP, I have getting the feeling that them letting yourself into your house is the LEAST of your issues….

What in the world???

amother

Blonde

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 9:18 am

amother OP wrote:

Totally not normal, and I'm a mil myself. The only time I ask for the code is if I'm there overnight and plan to leave the house before anyone is up. I walk for exercise very early in the morning and don't want to leave the door unlocked when going out or have to wake anyone when coming back.

I purposely don't memorize the code and have to ask for it every time.

Chayalle

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 9:22 am

If your in-laws aren't staying with you, it's unreasonable for them to expect to be able to walk into your home. They should let you know when they are coming, and then knock and wait to be let in.

I have two married daughters who live locally, and they both told me their combinations during the engagement (because I went to their apartments to drop off things, and also to clean!) but I have long forgotten them. Once they got married, I would not show up unexpected, and it goes without saying that I would never walk in without knocking.

ittsamother ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 9:22 am

Neither my parents nor in-laws have the keys or code to our house. None of them would ever dream of showing up without giving us prior notice, and even when they come to us for shabbos, they knock and wait for us to open the door when they first come. After that, we just don't lock the door for the night unless everyone is inside, and during the day we leave it unlocked for any coming and going.

I would actually have no problem giving them keys or a code since I trust they would never use it inappropriately, but the idea of coming downstairs in the morning and walking into the kitchen and seeing someone else just sitting there in my kitchen cuz they let themselves in is insane to me. I need to know if I have other people in my house or not!

We have the code to both my parents and my in-law's house, and we still would never just show up in their house when we come for a visit, we would always knock first unless we literally told them "we'll be there in 15 min" so they know to expect us.

↑ ittsamother

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 9:23 am

amother Fern wrote:

One minute, what????

OP, I have getting the feeling that them letting yourself into your house is the LEAST of your issues….

What in the world???

Yeah, OP really buried the lede here!

OP, that's RLY not normal. What else is going on??