Help, what should I do? Dh vs kid’s wishes

amother

OP ↓

Fri, Jan 10 2025, 10:16 am

Was going to make a cake for my husband to break his fast on. Ds6 wanted chocolate, dh wanted marble but doesn’t really care either way. When I said I’m making marble because I like it too, ds started crying and carrying on. I really don’t care either way but don’t know if I should give in to his tears or let him learn that he can’t have what he wants always. He’s crying bitterly now.

amothertrying

Fri, Jan 10 2025, 10:20 am

Validate. It’s so hard to want chocolate and not get it. I also don’t like when I don’t get what I wanted. But today is a fast day and so we are making what daddy wants. I’m not going to change my mind. Would you like to help me make the cake?

amother

Sunflower

Fri, Jan 10 2025, 10:31 am

If your hub doesn't care and it doesn't make much of a difference to you make the brownie cake...if you really want the brownie I would tell as the above poster... between carpool has a brownie recipe that can be made in a 9x13 without any tools honestly I would make both cakes and ask my kid to pitch in (put away the eggs, bring the orange juice etc)

amother

Slategray ↓

Fri, Jan 10 2025, 10:35 am

I would not change the plans. I’d explain since it’s for someone fasting they get to have their favorite flavor. He doesn’t have to have the cake he likes each time. It’s a great time for him to learn he can’t tantrum and also the world doesn’t revolve around only him. I’d never change plans based on a tantrum it’s a terrible lesson and conditions him to always tantrum.

amother

Springgreen ↓

Fri, Jan 10 2025, 10:46 am

amother OP wrote:

He's allowed to cry, it's okay.

amother

Mimosa

Fri, Jan 10 2025, 11:11 am

Or tatty can teach his son that's it's ok to be mevater!
I really wanted marble cake but since I see you're so sad, I'll be happy with chocolate cake because I want you to be happy!

amother

↑ Slategray

Fri, Jan 10 2025, 11:13 am

amother Mimosa wrote:

Or tatty can teach his son that's it's ok to be mevater!
I really wanted marble cake but since I see you're so sad, I'll be happy with chocolate cake because I want you to be happy!

That doesn’t teach that. It teaches scream and cry until you get your way. It’s not the time to be mevater save that for a day when he asks really nicely. And also saying so that you can be happy conditions him to think being sad and disappointed is a bad thing and to be avoided at all costs.

amother

↑ Springgreen

Fri, Jan 10 2025, 11:13 am

amother Mimosa wrote:

Or tatty can teach his son that's it's ok to be mevater!
I really wanted marble cake but since I see you're so sad, I'll be happy with chocolate cake because I want you to be happy!

Or totty gets to pick because totty fasted & it's okay if the child cries.

AlwaysGrateful

Fri, Jan 10 2025, 11:16 am

amother Slategray wrote:

I’d never change plans based on a tantrum it’s a terrible lesson and conditions him to always tantrum.

This.

If you'd asked us beforehand, ds wants chocolate cake, dh wants marble cake but is fine with either, I'd prefer marble cake, which should I make? That would get a different answer. If you have the strength make both...if you don't maybe be mevater this time...make the marble cake but tell him that next Shabbos you'll make chocolate, etc.

Once he tantrummed, the question is completely different. I'll even tell my kids -- once you tantrum (or say NO!, or don't listen, or whatever), I'm not able to change my mind about it. If you'd said to me, "Mommy, I really really want chocolate cake. Would you be able to make that instead?" then there's a good chance I'd change my mind. But once you've tantrummed, even if you ask nicely afterwards, I CAN'T say yes.

You've already picked this battle. You can't un-pick it without teaching him the wrong lesson.

amother

DarkCyan

Fri, Jan 10 2025, 11:18 am

amother Mimosa wrote:

Or tatty can teach his son that's it's ok to be mevater!
I really wanted marble cake but since I see you're so sad, I'll be happy with chocolate cake because I want you to be happy!

And that's how we raise a generation of ❄️

↑ giftedmom

Fri, Jan 10 2025, 11:27 am

amother Mimosa wrote:

Or tatty can teach his son that's it's ok to be mevater!
I really wanted marble cake but since I see you're so sad, I'll be happy with chocolate cake because I want you to be happy!

A surefire way to ensure that child is never happy unless he gets what he wants 100% of the time

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Jan 10 2025, 11:43 am

He was screaming and carrying on like he never did before… so unusual for him. He does cry easily when he’s disappointed (like if he doesn’t win a game etc) but this was screaming and more than that. At the end I didn’t even have the ingredients for the marble cake so made chocolate and spoke to him about his reaction.

amother

Whitewash

Sat, Jan 11 2025, 1:48 pm

s1 wrote:

Random question but what ingredients does a marble cake need that chocolate cake doesn't?

It's too late but you can easily turn part of the batter into chocolate and make a couple of chocolate cupcakes.

amother

↑ OP

Sat, Jan 11 2025, 3:02 pm

s1 wrote:

Random question but what ingredients does a marble cake need that chocolate cake doesn't?

1 cup oil instead of 1/2 cup, 6 eggs instead of 2. I am running low on both and didn’t have time to get more before shabbos.

↑ s1

Sat, Jan 11 2025, 3:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

1 cup oil instead of 1/2 cup, 6 eggs instead of 2. I am running low on both and didn’t have time to get more before shabbos.

Aha! I hope it was delicious 😋

Loch Ness

Sat, Jan 11 2025, 4:52 pm

amother Mimosa wrote:

Or tatty can teach his son that's it's ok to be mevater!
I really wanted marble cake but since I see you're so sad, I'll be happy with chocolate cake because I want you to be happy!

This! Kids learn the most from our examples. It just has to come from a place of strength. Not because you can't deal with the tantrum, but just because you want him to give to your child. There will be plenty of opportunities to put your foot down about things that really matter: things that are dangerous or inappropriate or against halacha.