Tips on parenting difficult teens

amother

Mon, Jan 06 2025, 8:04 pm

Really only interested in hearing from current and past teen parents. If you aren’t one please start your own thread to discuss your opinions.
I am also not interested in brain and gut inflammation or pandas so please use another thread for that.

My teen was a really good kid. More than my other kids. Super easy going, always happy always doing the right thing etc.. my other kids pushed boundaries all the time this one did not. Now this kid is being an impossible teen. Picking fights over stupid things, always in a bad mood, very defiant, making bad choices.. it happened almost overnight. I’m really at a loss. Unsure how much to attention to give negative behavior, unsure when to give consequences. And it’s affecting the whole family. Younger kids are starting to copy some behaviors.

I can use all tips and tricks for dealing with this situation. Any tired and true methods? Would love to know what really works in the long term. And what backfired badly.

amother

White

Mon, Jan 06 2025, 8:38 pm

Hi OP.

First, is your child a boy or a girl.

There are many reasons teens act out.

Maybe something happened in school- socially or academically and this is how they are letting out their frustration.

Maybe it’s hormones.

Maybe someone did something terrible to them. Maybe they experienced a terrible trauma.

Maybe they feel stifled by your parenting.

Maybe they are confused with certain things about Yiddishkeit.

Maybe they want attention, like you gave your other kids when they showed bad behavior.

Maybe they are being typical teenager but you aren’t used to it.

In the short, love them unconditionally, don’t show anger but be firm, compliment them on the good you see whenever you can.

In the long, get them the help they need whether thru therapy, a mentor etc.

amother

Phlox

Mon, Jan 06 2025, 8:40 pm

I have three difficult teens but they were always difficult. If there was a sudden change I'd be looking at that. What led up to it. Physical health checkup for starters.

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Jan 06 2025, 10:11 pm

I once heard a Rabbi who was principal of a girls school refer to the "Hi! Slam. Stage"
That stage hits most teens where they come home from school, go to their room and slam the door shut. Acting out is normal. Yes, it's smart to check them out physically and mentally, just in case. But it's usually just a painful stage (like the terrible twos).

I have survived many teens. My youngest is now 14 and pretty much exactly as you described.

TwinsMommy

Yesterday at 11:54 pm

I have two extremely difficult teens. Twins turning 18 on Thursday. My biggest successes with them are when I share their interests and ask them questions and show real concern about the (admittedly trivial to most adults) stuff in their lives. My son (both twins have autism so these are not typical interests!) is very into Japanese culture, Rubik's cubes, computer stuff..... so I ask him a lot of questions to learn more even if in reality I'd never truly be interested. We go to the gym together which is an interest we share. My daughter loves to share jokes and memes with me and it makes her so happy when I text her silly memes about things she likes and she loves to tell me about her friends and quiz me on which of her friends I think are good looking (insane, I know)---- so when she's in a good mood, that's how we relate.

amother

Tangerine

Today at 1:48 am

Look at it as a bump in the road. They will be ok. Tell them that as well, reassure them. You're having a hard time now but beH you'll get through it. It's scary suddenly feeling loss of who you think you are.

If it is as sudden as you say, especially with a boy, something is going wrong at school and they can't work out what to do, too macho to tell you and ask for help and don't like talking about emotions. Call the rebbe and do some research.

My mantra is, you know what's right and I know you know what's right, and I know you'll do it when you can.

Having said all that, put down firm boundaries.
No disrespect.
No aggression.

If they are being disrespectful, I completely ignore. When you can say that nicely, I'm happy to listen.

DON'T be scared of them.
DON'T let your standards for your house slip for other kids.
Do take time out to keep your cool.
Do find someone who you can offload on so you don't take your frustration out on the kids.

Life as a teen is hard.
Life as the mother of a teen is gehinom.

amother

Blueberry

Today at 2:33 am

I think it's diff for a boy or girl
I have 4 teens at the moment and their needs are diff and outburst are diff.
main thing is boys is full of testosterone and needs a huge physical outlet, when he doesn't bike ride, lift weights, etc he's more tasty . he also needs to be told a lot how kind, wonderful, etc he is (and he is)
my girls go moody and quiet when hungry or when overstimulated and they they need quiet time in their room with a. movie.

in short try see what triggers your teen (hunger, tired etc) and then talk it out when they are in a good space and try make solutions together so it's "when u are hungry and are angry to wait for dinner what can u do for yourself...play on Xbox till dinner is ready or....when sibling annoys u at dinner table instead of yelling pls ask me if u can take your plate into other room".
I think it's teaching the kid to self regulate, praising successes, loads of physical affection and if they don't love that, a treat on their bed, a walk together etc.