What would you have done?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 10:32 am

He is a loud in your face at all times type of child- I guess it just got to me that bit too much. His voice level is LOUD. He is all over the place and not academic. There is nothing the matter with him (as far as I am aware) it’s just his personality.

I’m not the type who needs to overthink ordering pizza but my husband is and he wanted my attention.

I like the idea of a chart to earn the pizza dinner-I think that will really help, but what should he do to earn it? He knows full well about not disturbing, it’s been taught time and again. I prefer him to earn for positive actions, not for not doing negative actions.

yiddishmom ↓

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 10:32 am

amother Purple wrote:

I disagree. What if they had something else do discuss?

A boy that age should learn to not disturb his parents for a few minutes if his parents request it.
If he is has to be told "because we're discussing where we're getting pizza" he will learn not to disturb only when it's relevant to him!

Could be he has a hard time with evaluating how long is 5 minutes, could be he's not used to not disturbing...

It's something that need to be worked on!

True that a child needs to learn to give parents uninterrupted time, even if the discussion is unrelated to him.

I'm kind of guessing that OP forgot to clearly communicate to her son that she heard his request and will be thinking about it.

We oftentimes are busy and forget that we never clearly conveyed our answer to our child. In the meantime, said child is still burning with his unanswered wish/ question, so he keeps pestering and we respond with annoyance.

It takes lots of self work and patience to always remember what the encounter looks/ feels like from the child's perspective.

Pizza may seem like a small thing. But for a 9 year old it's big. Perhaps he already discussed it with his classmates during his first recess and he's been waiting and waiting to ask his parents, all the while salivating thinking about the delicious pizza. Asking him now for 5 min, is asking him to add another eternity of time, all the while he still has no clue whatsoever that his mother agrees to his idea.

amother

NeonOrange

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 10:33 am

imaima wrote:

I would have given a warning „If you interrupt us once again, we won’t have pizza tonight „

This. You didn't warn him ahead of time. Also I think it's a bit harsh but with a prior warning at least it would be fair.

I have an 8yo with anxiety & I can't get a moment to myself without getting a knock on the door. It's very frustrating so I get you.

↑ yiddishmom

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 10:35 am

amother OP wrote:

Positive: he gets a sticker every time that you DO have a few min uninterrupted with DH. It's just a matter of how you frame it.

But obviously, this leaves you with mental work. You'll need to be the one to lookout and notice and remember to compliment and give him the sticker when it does happen. Eventually, it'll really help him make that mind shift.

Good luck!

amother

Papaya ↓

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 10:38 am

chanatron1000 wrote:

If that's your standard for everything, then nothing's ever a problem.

Things like this are much bigger in a 9 year old's world than in an adult's. To have his parents react like this to his interruptions is enough to make a kid that age feel hated.

I want to second this.

When we want to teach a child to deal with overwhelming feelings of excitement- I can’t wait- I need it now- my excitement is causing me to have even more trouble waiting…. We need to teach them that it’s normal to feel impulsive/unable to control themselves and yet still to try to help themselves regulate. By taking a deep breath. By singing. By telling themselves hey it’s so hard to wait.

Teach them to self validate by validating them. The kid didn’t mean to hurt you and wasn’t born knowing how to deal with his strong drive.

Hugs from another mom of a kid like this.

Highly recommend dr. Becky kennedy. Total total game changer.

amother

Watermelon

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 10:40 am

amother OP wrote:

Why are you going to make him earn it now??
You were going to give him pizza for supper, you just wanted to discuss the "from where" with your husband
Please allow him the pizza supper. He is only 9

Your son now thinks you were going to say no all along and now you are using his interrupting to excuse your no.

He needed to be told "we need a few minutes to discuss the pizza, if you interrupt us there won't be pizza"

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 11:04 am

I think because this child always wants to get his way and get what he wants and get everything first and the most and the best. And bothers his siblings constantly and continuously.

So it got too much.

My other children doing the same wouldn’t have bothered me as much. I’m afraid to say but it’s the truth and I’m sure he feels that too and yes I feel bad about it and daven every day to have siyata dishmaya about how to parent hi m and I still haven’t discovered the secret.

I will look into dr Becky Kennedy and appreciate all recommendations.

amother

↑ Papaya ↓

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 12:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

You clearly care about your kid and are an amazing mom. Good luck.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 12:56 pm

amother Papaya wrote:

You clearly care about your kid and are an amazing mom. Good luck.

I absolutely care about him deeply.

He can also be the sweetest, kindest child. He looks out for his younger siblings and always shares when he gets something new.

But we see his strong side so much more… we get into a negative cycle and it’s hard to get out of it.

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 3:44 am

I know this will be unpopular on this site but I learned that the number one "transgression" that requires a consequence in child rearing is not listening to your parents. No warning of consequences required. Can be as simple as "please pick up the pencil". If you say it twice and they don't listen, there should be a consequence.

Why? Because parents are Hashem's representatives in this world and if children get used to no consequence for not listening to parents, they'll feel like they don't have to listen to Hashem either.

What this means for me is that I actually try not to give too many direct requests/commands, since I don't want them experiencing failure + consequences all the time.

Specifically for your son, OP, sounds like he has ADHD and therefore impulsivity. There are techniques for working with impulsive children.

amother

Phlox

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 3:50 am

Didn't read the other responses, but I just had to answer because you just described my 9 year old son exactly! I have been in this scenario a million times with him. So based on my own experience I would say you did the right thing, though maybe you should have given a warning to create a clear boundary "abba and I are discussing your suggestion. If you don't let us have five minutes, it definitely won't happen, if you let us talk it might".

But good for you for teaching him a lesson. With my son, the times he had to experience a consequence like missing out because of not keeping boundaries so I couldn't plan with his father taught him very important lessons and definitely caused change at least for a while.

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:32 am

amother Chartreuse wrote:

I really appreciate this. It’s something we are working on and he got a big wake up from what happened last night and we discussed it later and bH he has been angelic since.

He realised when I explained if he wants good things he has to be good because when he chooses not to listen he is choosing to get whatever the consequence may be. He must choose to be good to choose good things.

He has asked for a different supper this evening and iYH I will be making it for him because of his good behaviour. I am glad to be able to show him a quick response for his efforts.

amother

↑ Papaya ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 9:42 am

amother Chartreuse wrote:

This definitely sounds interesting. But it is lacking foundation.

The route to getting a child to respect authority aka Torah etc in adult life is earning their trust IN THEIR FIRMATIVE YEARS via being there for them and giving them acceptance and boundaries instead of - due to frustration, ego, personal childhood memories and repetitive behavior, or fear of what they will turn out or a low night of sleep etc … clamping down on their not yet developed moods and showing them judgement aka non acceptance for it.

We can force a child to listen to us - we can punish them day and night- but if we don’t make them feel worthy they will grow up crippled and anxious and not believing hashem loves them or worse.

I actually heard this from r’ Shais taub. He quoted it from the rambam that a parent needs to look away from their own kavod in order to not give their child a feeling that he is flawed- we should look away from negativity as much as possible. So yes I agree with a large part of your post but the crux needs to be that a child needs to be made to feel like he is not only accepted but worthy enough of acceptance when he needs help learning how to become the best person he can.

amother

↑ Papaya

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 9:44 am

amother OP wrote:

Love this.