What would you have done?

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 8:51 am

Ds 9 wanted us to order in pizza. He asked early in the day. It’s a treat and dh and I were prepared to do it but wanted to discuss it privately and find which pizza place had the best deal. We didn’t tell him why we wanted privacy.

We started our conversation in a closed room, he called us over needing us ‘desperately’.

We came out the private room to deal with whatever he needed (nothing important) and tried to continue in a secluded corner- three times he came over to just stand there and three times we asked him to please go and find something else to do and please give us a few minutes alone.

That didn’t work so we again went to a closed room and asked for 5 minutes on our own.

Not two minutes went by when he knocked on the door again to ask something else.

Are we not allowed time to ourselves????

So I told him we were going to get pizza but now I’m making supper here because you were asked to leave us alone and 4 times you haven’t listened to what we asked.

Of course he blew up.

Very difficult child, always wants things to go his way, much as I love him he uses a lot of my mental energy!

What would you have done? I understand maybe I did the wrong thing but shouldnt he have respected my wishes of 5 minutes alone with my husband? Or am I asking too much?

Throw tomatoes.

singleagain

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 8:58 am

Also, I know that 9-year-olds are probably old enough to understand time, but to this day I'm 38 and I still don't. If you told me to figure out 5 minutes without a timer or a watch, I would have no idea how much time actually passed

I wonder if next time you wanted 5 minutes alone if you gave him some sort of timer or you know a visual aid of a clock to help.

imaima

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 9:00 am

amother OP wrote:

I would have given a warning „If you interrupt us once again, we won’t have pizza tonight „

thatworn ↓

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 9:01 am

With children like this (and any children), you need to give a clear expectation and consequence.
"Johnny, we are happy to get pizza for supper. First we need x minutes of uninterrupted time to discuss the best place from which to purchase it. Please do not interrupt us, as we can not concentrate on the discussion and we won't be able to come to a decision about whence the pizza will be forthcoming. It's going to make it impossible for us to purchase the pizza you desire unless we can discuss this, uninterrupted. Do you understand what I am asking of you, yes or no?"

If you think that it would be completely beyond him, and there's no way he could get through 5 minutes without interrupting you, then just discuss with your husband with all of his interruptions, order the pizza and be done. Do not set him up for failure and do not set yourself up for dealing with a meltdown.

Life is difficult enough as it is. Sweat the large stuff. Not the small stuff. Pizza is kind of small, in the scheme of things.

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 9:06 am

Do you teach your kids they need to stop back and hold their horses because you are busy with DH? Kids need to hear that things need to wait.
Do you teach your kids to respect privacy and let mommy and daddy speak among themselves?
That said, ordering a pizza isn't a state secret. You could have hold him it's a matter of money and you ned to check things.

↑ thatworn

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 9:11 am

There's no "should have / shouldn't have" with some children. They just don't get it. Especially when they are expecting something delicious for supper, then their parents go off and whisper behind locked doors and in a corner. If he's the type always to have negative consequences given, he might have thought you were discussing whether or not he should have the pizza. Maybe he was worried that you'd decide that it was too much money to spend on supper. Yes, maybe a 9 year old should be able to let you talk uninterrupted, but if he already takes a lot of your mental energy, maybe expectations can be lower for him.

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 9:32 am

amother OP wrote:

He didn’t know what we were discussing. Is that unfair?
At 9 he shouldn’t have interrupted anyway and 4 chances were given…

He shouldn't have interrupted.
A few questions to consider: -is this something that he's been taught about in general or just today?
- being he didn't know what the discussion was about, was this an appropriate consequence to for interrupting?
- do you feel it's fair? Then why are you questioning it?
- or do you feel it was unfair? If so, why?

amother

Clematis

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 9:35 am

I was that difficult child when I was a kid so I can explain certain things about what was going on from his perspective.
First of all I never believed my parents when they told me they were going to do something but now they won't.
Now to explain what your son was thinking. I never believed I was deserving of a treat. And until that pizza came mabe even till it was literally on my plate I would wait for my parents to change their mind. One of the things I used to do was try to keep them separate so they shouldn't give each other "ideas"

amother

Ruby

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 9:46 am

amother OP wrote:

He didn’t know what we were discussing. Is that unfair?
At 9 he shouldn’t have interrupted anyway and 4 chances were given…

You didn't give him 4 chances because you didn't tell him in advance that there will be a consequence and what it will be.
He interrupted you 4 times but it's not the same as giving him 4 chances.

You were in the moment and too wrapped up emotionally to think about this situation properly. Hindsight is always 20/20. Now you are reflecting and seeing what you could have done better. That's really good.

If you want to teach your children to communicate openly and respectfully you need to model it.
It can look something like this.
Bend down to his eye level and tell him I hear you want pizza for dinner, that sounds like a really great idea. I need 5 (or 10) minutes of uninterrupted time with Totty to decide where we want to buy it (you can talk about financials to him but you don't need to). I know it can be difficult to keep track of time, here's a timer to help you. If you interrupt us before time is up we won't be able to buy pizza today.

We can debate if this particular request even needed this whole exchange and private talking but that's a different topic.

chanatron1000

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 9:57 am

giftedmom wrote:

It’s fine. Not getting pizza especially if you didn’t promise you’d get it is not capital punishment.

If that's your standard for everything, then nothing's ever a problem.

Things like this are much bigger in a 9 year old's world than in an adult's. To have his parents react like this to his interruptions is enough to make a kid that age feel hated.

Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 10:01 am

thatworn wrote:

Clear expectations, consequence and may I add open communication.
Cost of pizza isn't a state secret.
I believe it's good to teach kids they value of money at an early stage in life.

↑ Bnei Berak 10

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 10:05 am

amother Clematis wrote:

This is such a sad post. A child that can't trust her parents who promised something and didn't follow through.
If you have trust issues I can understand.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 10:08 am

amother OP wrote:

He didn’t know what we were discussing. Is that unfair?
At 9 he shouldn’t have interrupted anyway and 4 chances were given…

I think so. You could have just said "give ema and abba a few minutes undisturbed to discuss the pizza idea."
That might have helped him because he was curious about the pizza.

amother

Purple

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 10:17 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I think so. You could have just said "give ema and abba a few minutes undisturbed to discuss the pizza idea."
That might have helped him because he was curious about the pizza.

I disagree. What if they had something else do discuss?

A boy that age should learn to not disturb his parents for a few minutes if his parents request it.
If he is has to be told "because we're discussing where we're getting pizza" he will learn not to disturb only when it's relevant to him!

Could be he has a hard time with evaluating how long is 5 minutes, could be he's not used to not disturbing...

It's something that need to be worked on!