Married children- are you a giver or taker?

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 8:28 pm

Thoughts like these always come up over
Chanuka…

If you have married children, do you give Chanuka gifts, or gifts throughout the year. Maybe you help support them, maybe you give them extra money for YT, treat them to a dinner out, send birthday and anniversary gifts, are overly generous with your time and money?

Or do you feel like you raised them, you worked hard to feed and clothe them. Put them thru school. But now it’s their turn. You don’t believe in spoiling married children so you don’t give gifts. Maybe an occasional cookbook or something useful. You leave the Chanuka party planning to the marrieds, after all you worked so hard all these years, now it’s their time to give back.

Which one are you and why? And how does it affect your childrens’ relationship with you?

Also would love to hear from the kids and what type of parents/in laws you have…

amother

Seablue ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 8:36 pm

Love these questions. My parents and in laws are polar opposites. My in laws are very effusive gift-givers, never too practical but always thoughtful and exactly what the person would want but never buy themselves. Think Ugg slippers, Kate spade bags, perfume. They are also super generous with their time and would drop anything to help out.

My parents are also generous but in a different way- very practical. No nonsense. Their baby present to me is always to pay a significant portion of my hospital bill. The gifts they gave us as kids were books and deposits into the mutual funds they had set up for us. They paid for my undergrad and lent me the money for grad school to pay them back interest free.

I can honestly say I have so much appreciation for both, and both make me feel very loved. I know that these are all bonuses and I have zero expectations of them. BH

amother

Mistyrose ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 8:37 pm

Can I flip it? If you're a young married woman, are you a giver or a taker? Or even simpler than that -- are you someone who believes that people still "owe" you, or do you try to stand on your own feet and only ask for help if you really can't do it on your own?

I don't have any married kids yet, and we're not too close to that phase at this point. But when I got married we didn't expect much at all, and anything that was given to us was so greatly appreciated.

My mother shows her love through giving gifts. (She also happens to have a lot of money.) Not expensive gifts, just little things that she sees that we might like, occasionally. My mother-in-law does not. (She is not poor, but not wealthy either.) She is also very loving and enjoys spending time with us.

Neither of them have made a Chanukah party for the family. One tends to come to our home some years on Chanukah, some years we go to them. The other lives locally but a sibling makes the party and we all bring things along. They don't "expect" our parents to "give" one to them. They are honored to host them (as are we, the years that we do it).

I haven't gotten Chanukah gifts from either of them. Ever, I think? Or birthday gifts. I'm an adult, I don't expect it.

They do get my kids gifts, which I appreciate. My MIL gets little trinkets, my mother gets somewhat larger gifts. Does that make one more of a "giver"? I don't think so. I try to teach my kids to appreicate what they are given and not to take it for granted.

Try not to worry about whether THEY are givers. Worry about whether YOU are expecting to be given to. That's more important.

amother

↑ Seablue

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 8:40 pm

amother Mistyrose wrote:

Can I flip it? If you're a young married woman, are you a giver or a taker? Or even simpler than that -- are you someone who believes that people still "owe" you, or do you try to stand on your own feet and only ask for help if you really can't do it on your own?

I don't have any married kids yet, and we're not too close to that phase at this point. But when I got married we didn't expect much at all, and anything that was given to us was so greatly appreciated.

My mother shows her love through giving gifts. (She also happens to have a lot of money.) My mother-in-law does not. (She is not poor, but not wealthy either.) She is also very loving and enjoys spending time with us.

Neither of them have made a Chanukah party for the family. One tends to come to our home some years on Chanukah, some years we go to them. The other lives locally but a sibling makes the party and we all bring things along.

I haven't gotten Chanukah gifts from either of them. Ever, I think? I'm an adult, I don't expect it. They do get my kids gifts, which I appreciate. My MIL gets little trinkets, my mother gets somewhat larger gifts. Does that make one more of a "giver"? I don't think so. I try to teach my kids to appreicate what they are given and not to take it for granted.

Try not to worry about whether THEY are givers. Worry about whether YOU are expecting to be given to. That's more important.

I love this take. Having just love, no expectations, makes it so much easier. I wouldn’t want to have to rely on others to take care of me. It also makes it that much nicer when you do get a gift, because it’s an extra and not because anyone thought they had to

amother

Mint

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 9:54 pm

I'm a huge giver, I support my married couple(only one couple so far) more than I'd intended monetarily and then gave them a very large Chanukah present. But I'm realizing now that I either need to be a complete giver, meaning without strings attached or do nothing at all-I'm feeling a bit....not really angry, maybe more ticked off.....I planned a huge Chanukah party for my family and went overboard since a grandparent isn't doing well at all and my married couple didn't come. They stayed by me the whole weekend, then went out for breakfast the morning of the party-my siblings noticed their car lingering out in front during the party (there were parking spots) and then saw them pull away. They came back when the party was over. I'm so hurt. I think I need to stop being an over the top giver, I bent over backwards which makes me more resentful than I should be that they couldn't stop in, say hello or refuah sheleimah. Crying

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 10:10 am

I’m wondering if the ones who are givers- is it natural to you or is it something you know you have to do so you do it.

The same with the takers. But also, are you okay with taking or do u feel bad, but don’t have a choice or this is how you believe its supposed to be, at whatever life stage you’re in.

I am, by nature, a giver. I hope to always be one. My parents were always givers- even when they had very little, they did anything for us, even if it meant having less for themselves. Like the mother who gave the last piece of chicken to her child because he wanted another piece, so she skipped supper. That’s my parents and I’m the same way. It’s hard for me to understand the mentality of the takers….

In my world, parents give and children take. But I’m seeing so much of the opposite where the children give and the parents take, and it’s hard for me to wrap my head around it…

AlwaysGrateful ↓

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 10:17 am

amother OP wrote:

As a parent, you should give to your child.

As a child, you should give to your parent.

Believing that "parents should be givers, and children should be takers" does not make you a giver. It means that you give in some relationships and expect to take in others.

The concept that children are supposed to honor and give to their parents is very much a Torah ideal. Obviously parents need to give to children, especially when they are young. As they grow older, it is normal and healthy for the relationship to shift a bit. Sure, most parents desire to make their children happy no matter what. But it should become more of a two-way relationship, with both sides giving and taking (not necessarily in terms of material goods). And eventually, it should shift so that the child is giving primarily to the parent, as the parent's needs become greater and their ability to give declines.

amother

Leaf

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 10:31 am

I think my parents really found a middle path. They choose what and when to give.
Sometimes they'll buy us something just because. Other times they'll offer to buy it, only if we need it. At times, the offer will be to do the shopping but not cover the cost. Sometimes I go shopping with my mother and she covers the bill, other times she doesn't.
At certain times, we had some upcoming large expenses and we asked my parents if they would be able to help. They gave us a number that would be the maximum they could do, let's say $500. and when the expense actually happened, we asked them to help with the amount we couldn't cover, let's say, $200.
We usually don't need to ask for things, but we're comfortable doing it if needed, because we know that they'll be open about what's easy for them to do, what's possible, and what they can't do.
And the open communication is mutual. So my parents will ask me sometimes for a ride or an errand, and if I can do it then I will.
We're clear about it, like "this is not important enough to go out especially to get it done, so only do it if you're near there anyway" or "I would be really relieved to check this off my list, but it isn't urgent"
Practically, they give us a lot more than we give them.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 11:06 am

AlwaysGrateful wrote:

This is so insightful.

Of course the Torah tells us we must honor our parents but it’s naturally easier to be mechabed the parent that always gave and makes it easier to give back.

The parents (or in laws, in my case), who always expect to take, without ever giving, bring up a lot of resentment, especially when one set of parents/grandparents are givers. Even though I don’t think there’s a source on the Torah for a parent giving to a married child, there is something so rewarding by being a giver. And it makes it easier to give back.

We host both my parents and in laws quite often for YT. My mother will many times call me and tell me she’s helping contribute toward the costs. It’s not expected, it doesn’t happen every time, but it helps. When she comes, aside from a check she comes laden with gifts for the kids-or even cash ($20 around) for each of my kids. It brings her so much joy. My kids look forward to being a little spoiled as well as their true love and warmth.

My in laws, on the other hand, come as guests and expected to be treated as such. I wasn’t raised by them as a child, so I don’t know what it’s like to receive from them. Yes, I know, they raised my husband and I should be grateful for that but still…

Chanuka presents from only one set of grandparents every year really feels off…

amother

Chocolate ↓

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 11:06 am

My parents used to occasionally give us monetary gifts. The frequency and amount was irregular but they were usually for a birthday or erev chag or to contribute to a particular item. As they have gotten older, these gifts are much more infrequent. We live near my in laws. Their help was never financial but in the form of Shabbos invites. There was no help with kids. There was an occasional gift, but nothing big....small tokens. When my oldest children started first grade I think they bought them their school bags.
I never expected anything and appreciated everything.
Now as grandparents, we give occasional monetary gifts. They are not huge because we can't afford more. I occasionally buy something small they need for the house or clothing for the kids. We buy the grandkids nice gifts for their birthdays. For the adults' birthdays I invite them for a nicer than normal dinner. For what I can't give monetarily, I try to give in babysitting and having them for Shabbos and Yom tov whenever they want or need a break. When they are sick or under the weather I try to send them a hot meal. I wish I could do more.

amother

Skyblue

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 11:36 am

I am both.
My parents are givers, they give me money, gifts, and time. And I still accept. I literally am just a taker. I should not admit it but I am.

In regards to my children, I am a giver. I shop for my children anytime I go into a store, empty my freezers and pantry when they come-to send home with them, will B”H take all my vacation time and take off work to help when they have babies.
I don’t expect them to make me a party or host me, I am the mommy and will give to them as long as I am able.

amother

↑ Mistyrose

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 11:41 am

My in-laws moved to our town several years ago when they retired.

My husband has only sisters. Two of them lived near my in-laws' old home, the others are in different areas but a car ride away. We were a plane ride away.

When they decided to move to our town (for practical reasons), we were so surprised. It happened quickly, they found a place and moved in just a month or two later.

We had always had a good, but very pareve relationship. We tried to keep the concept of kibud av v'eim very strongly in our minds when we went to visit them, or when they came to visit us, as it was our only opportunity to do so.

When we heard that they were moving, we realized there would be some tension, some issues that would crop up. We decided to consciously view this through the lens of "We now have an opportunity to do kibbud av v'eim in a way we never did before."

Sure, we set up boundaries. We say no if we need to. And although they're not people who give materially to us, they are emotionally healthy people, so we are able to voice our needs as well. But we try to still view each interaction with them as a gift, a chance to respond correctly, to give.

I'm not sure I could have done that if we lived in the same town as them when we first got married. Okay, now that I think about it a little more, I'm sure I couldn't have. I've grown a lot since then, though. And while there are always issues that come up, I am glad that they moved here.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 11:43 am

amother Skyblue wrote:

I am both.
My parents are givers, they give me money, gifts, and time. And I still accept. I literally am just a taker. I should not admit it but I am.

In regards to my children, I am a giver. I snug for my children anytime I go into a store, empty my freezers and pantry when they come-to send home with them, will B”H take all my vacation time and take off work to help when they have babies.
I don’t expect them to make me a party or host me, I am the mommy and will give to them as long as I am able.

This is exactly me, or what I hope to be once my kids get married. You basically do as your parents did for you. Thank you for verbalizing it for me.

As my parents are aging they are learning to be takers, but truthfully, all these years, they refused to be takers and only wanted to give give and give unconditionally.

It brings me such joy to be able to give back to them, whatever little it is, but they still give, even as they need to take, because they are natural givers