Is this a good policy? Not sure what the right thing is

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 7:30 pm

I want to make a rule that I don't listen to complaints about my DH from my children.
I'm not DHs boss or mother, he's his own person, I'm exhausted from the kvetching about what he did or didn't do.
My 13 year old daughter is the worst with this. They trigger each other and I don't want to get in the middle of it. I don't think it's helping anyone for me to listen to it anymore.
Of course I tell my kids to talk to their father directly. They still come to complain to me.
What do you think?
How do you think I should do or not do?

tigerwife

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 7:44 pm

“You need to bring this up with Daddy”.
Rinse and repeat.
I think you are right, barring abusive behavior.
On a practical level, it may be lashon hora.

listenhere

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 12:55 am

amother OP wrote:

I have this policy. I really don’t want to hear it. Assuming these aren’t real serious issues, which, from your post, seems like they’re not.

familyfirst

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 2:19 am

You don’t necessarily have to be her sounding board but she needs a place to vent

Consider hiring a therapist just to give her the tools to communicate properly with her father

amother

Bubblegum

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 7:56 am

A mom is supposed to be a safe place to vent all of your frustrations and have someone with life experience guide you. If it’s too much for you then it doesn’t need to be you but you need to make sure they have a healthy adult to speak to

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 10:00 am

She won't speak to a therapist. I understand what her complaints are and I can understand why she is upset but I am not him and complaining to me doesn't help. It doesn't help my sholom bayis and it doesn't help my relationship with her or his relationship with him. It just creates triangulation.
Basically do I get involved in her issues with him or do I tell her this is between her and Daddy?
No abuse here.
This is about money, privileges etc.

amother

↑ Slategray

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 10:10 am

You can listen without getting involved. Say I can listen to you if it helps but this is between you and Abba and I'm not getting involved

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 10:33 am

amother Slategray wrote:

You can listen without getting involved. Say I can listen to you if it helps but this is between you and Abba and I'm not getting involved

How does this help?
What does listening look like in this case?

imaima

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 10:41 am

amother OP wrote:

Not shouldn’t do.
Who else are they supposed to go to?

amother

Valerian

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:09 am

I relate OP. And I don't know what to do either.

My husband is probably HFASD, definitely socially off. I can't control it and I'm not going to.
My kids especially my teens get really bothered.
They vent to me but also expect me to change him and I can't.
He wore a weird coat to carpool.
He wore his coat into shul instead of hanging it up.
He danced weird on Simchas Torah
He talked weirdly to the friends father

Yes he's a bit off. Yes they're are extremely sensitive self conscious teens. No nothing is that bad. I stop or change any really off behavior. He's allowed to be a bit quirky.

I want to be a safe place for them to vent. But they expect me to change him, and it starts getting in the way of my shalom Bayis, and my relationship with them and I'm not sure what to do anymore.

amother

Acacia

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:19 am

You can accept complaints as venting but make a clear line that you do not interfere, except in extreme circumstances. That's usually the healthiest. You can empathize and commiserate and still say that's between you and him. I can give you some words to speak to him and you can try.

If her complaints are excessive, you can tell her that. Okay. I think this is enough for now. I'm happy to get your therapist if you need more. There's nothing wrong with speaking to a therapist.