Sil didn't compliment even once!

amother

Azure

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 2:30 am

It must feel pretty bad to excitedly await to host new sil and then boom, she doesn't even acknowledge your hard work and delicious food!
I can see that saying a bare minimum thank you is coming from shyness.
But you also mentioned that she is cold. Can you elaborate on that? Did she make any negative comments? any negative facial expressions? was she ignoring you? what was she doing to give you the impression that she is cold?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 2:38 am

amother Azure wrote:

It must feel pretty bad to excitedly await to host new sil and then boom, she doesn't even acknowledge your hard work and delicious food!
I can see that saying a bare minimum thank you is coming from shyness.
But you also mentioned that she is cold. Can you elaborate on that? Did she make any negative comments? was she ignoring you? what was she doing to give you the impression that she is cold?

Thanks for your validation.
It's hard to pinpoint. It was a vibe she gave (gives) off. When she arrived I went excitedly over to her to greet her. She mumbled a Gut Shabbos. Then she sat most of the meal picking at her food and not uttering a word about anything. I was in the kitchen serving most of the time. And out of all the times I brought or cleared off her plate I heard a thank you once.
Could be she was truly overwhelmed.
Interesting part is that as shy as she is once she joins a conversation or starts talking she talks very confidently.
Maybe this cold vibe is indeed shyness.
I don't know. Most people I'm surrounded with are not shy or not as shy as her. So I'm confused.

camp123

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 4:10 am

People are created very differently, it's a bad idea to judge other people. Not everyone thinks and acts like you, but you can still get along. Her husband complimented so it may have felt awkward to compliment even more.
My mother in law will come to me and compliment every dish, it drives me crazy, it feels so fake and overstated. When I'm out and my husband compliments I won't also BC I hate too many compliments. Give her more time, ask her if she likes something next time. Open your mind to people who are different than you and think different to you.

amother

↑ Whitewash ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 4:54 am

amother OP wrote:

I spoke about shy people in general. That perhaps knowing people may get insulted they should go a tiny bit out of their comfort zone to make people feel acknowledged and appreciated.
And not to use shyness as a cop out.
And it can come across as lack of middos.

She was probably going more than a bit out of her comfort zone by being there and talking to you at all.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 5:02 am

OP I wouldnt hang my ego or the future of your relationship with your SIL on this one thing. Its nice to be acknowledged for your hosting and its good middos to do so, but who knows what she's going through.
Yes, there are excuses I could come up with for her behavior.
Unless this is just the way she is. In which case, all you can do it demonstrate good middos and hope she will pick up on it.
For family SB, keep up your end of the relationship, till she comes around.

amother

↑ Eggplant

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 5:29 am

amother OP wrote:

Much of my shyness is coming from social anxiety. I worry about saying the wrong thing, how people interpret what I say and what they will think of me. When it's a subject I know or feel more confident about, I can join in. And sometimes I can sound overconfident to mask my anxiety, but really I feel very insecure.
Give her and yourself time. Lower your expectations of what to expect in the way of compliments. Also not everyone feels both spouses need to both compliment. If dh was very verbose and thanked the host, I wouldn't feel the need to then add the same thing again, I would agree with him and say a more basic thank you.
Going forward, you now know that it's most likely not personal to you and this is either her completely overwhelmed due to anxiety or shyness and hopefully over time she will get more comfortable with you.

Iymnok

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 7:50 am

Did you spend any part of the seuda with her? If you were in the kitchen most of the time, had other guests, were effusive in your greetings, and had many dishes and a tablescape, then it makes sense that she would be intimidated.

I personally host to enjoy the company. A simple, "thank you for having us" is plenty.
If the guest wasn't totally comfortable I'd try to figure out what I needed to do different.

I hope she's interested in coming again.

Cheiny ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 3:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hosted my new sil and other guest for a Shabbos meal. Went all out with the decor and food. Everything was delicious and decor was stunning, if I may say so myself. Other guests were ultra complimentary. She didn't say a word. When she left she said a simple thank you.
I was so turned off. When I eat out I make sure to compliment every course.
She is ultra shy but I think besides for that she comes across as more of a cold person.
What's your take on this?

I don’t think the issue is what she’s thinking or what type of person she is. She thanked you. Many people aren’t excessive or expressive in their words or praise.

The real question to ask yourself is why do you need the praise so much, to the point where not getting it is affecting you to this extent?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 3:23 pm

Cheiny wrote:

Because I can't stand ingratitude, begrudging of a compliment, coldness, or bad manners.
I did hear the viewpoints of posters that extreme shyness might have been the reason behind this. And I did expand my viewpoint that perhaps this might have been the reason.
And again- I Am Not Looking For Excessive Praise or Compliments.
One comment about my food would have been enough.
I didn't expect gushiness.

amother

DarkYellow

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 4:00 pm

Op I totally get you. I remember feeling the same with a certain bil and sil. It's an awful feeling. You work so hard, give and give and all you get back is a mumble thank you at the end. You kind of expect people to be nicer than that. I'd say don't host them again until you feel up to it and prepare yourself in advance, get your husband's support etc realise what you're in for and what feelings it brings up.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 4:00 pm

amother Cherry wrote:

Shy people often come across as very cold. It's very unfortunate, but that's the reality. Once u know them well, shy introverted ppl are often the most warm, loyal and devoted friends.

Okay. I can't wait to see.
When someone is cold I take it personally.
But I'm learning that it's not personal.
I feel like I learned a lot from this thread.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 4:01 pm

amother DarkYellow wrote:

Luckily her husband is the exact opposite. He's a great guest!

amother

Snowdrop ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 4:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

Presumably you invited her vs she invited herself. Maybe she hates going out for meals. (I know that I invariably feel that way.) So she was already doing something she doesn't want to do. Her one thank you was therefore all she felt was necessary. If she had invited herself it would be a different story.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 4:25 pm

amother Snowdrop wrote:

She and her husband actually wanted to be invited.

amother

↑ Whitewash ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 4:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

Your expectation is really unfair. Because what you want from her is a whole new personality.

Maybe, if she would have tried harder to please you, she wouldn't have been able to do it without sounding insincere, and then you would have come here and started a thread "SIL's passive aggressive sarcastic compliments."

Being withdrawn doesn't make someone ungrateful, begrudging, cold or bad mannered.