Sil didn't compliment even once!

amother

↑ Aqua ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 2:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

Nope. I'm just giving a PSA to very shy people to go a tiny bit out of their comfort zone and acknowledge their hosts effort in tiny way.

Take this as a PSA for yourself to be more understanding of and less intimidating of shy people, especially of a shy newlywed that just joined the family.
Take this as a PSA for yourself to not have unrealistic expectations of others and not be so rigid with your opinions.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 2:06 pm

amother Aqua wrote:

You did post things that imply that you think she's an awful person....
You said she's lacking middos & uses her shyness to cop out of situations, whatever that's supposed to me.
If you want sympathy, you need to at least try to be understanding & open to hearing others opinions.

I spoke about shy people in general. That perhaps knowing people may get insulted they should go a tiny bit out of their comfort zone to make people feel acknowledged and appreciated.
And not to use shyness as a cop out.
And it can come across as lack of middos.

mommy3b2c

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 2:10 pm

amother NeonPurple wrote:

I understand you op. I make really nice meals and my sil only looks to criticize.

Did she say her sil criticized?

Imamother , the land of people making up their own stories

Last edited by mommy3b2c on Sun, Dec 29 2024, 2:10 pm; edited 1 time in total

MiracleMama

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 2:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hosted my new sil and other guest for a Shabbos meal. Went all out with the decor and food. Everything was delicious and decor was stunning, if I may say so myself. Other guests were ultra complimentary. She didn't say a word. When she left she said a simple thank you.
I was so turned off. When I eat out I make sure to compliment every course.
She is ultra shy but I think besides for that she comes across as more of a cold person.
What's your take on this?

In general it's not nice, but when you consider that it's a new kallah who may be so overwhelmed and you add to that the fact that you already know she's shy, seems like you should be willing to give her benefit of doubt and not write her off as cold.
You worked hard, you got your compliments from everyone else. I think just forgive her for this and keep an open mind about her.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 2:11 pm

MiracleMama wrote:

I will. Thanks Smile

amother

Apple

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 2:16 pm

Hi op. It sounds like you aren’t familiar with social anxiety . I don’t know your sister in law and maybe she isn’t mannered for all I know . However if she does have social anxiety it would help for you to be a little understanding of her struggles . social anxiety can come across as being “cold” and not mannered . It is not simple
Shyness . She could also have sensed your intimidation and be shutting down even more . You seem to want her to come out of her comfort zone However if you have to create a very simple comfortable and relaxed atmosphere for that to happen . I would say invite her again and keep it super chilled and simple . Give it time . You may see a completely different side of her

amother

Celeste

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 2:42 pm

Honestly - you sound super insecure. The fact that you focus so much on who is complimenting and how much they are complimenting is a reflection on you. Be a gracious host. If you are going all out just to get compliments - maybe you need some self reflection.

amother

Fuchsia

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 2:52 pm

Someone with social anxiety may actually feel self conscious complimenting you. They might think that by complimenting you, they are admitting that they aren’t used to this level of geshiktness, and that you are out of their league.

amother

↑ Lightgray ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

Go back and read some responses to posters who kindly shared their perspective.
Most of you just attacked me.

Go back and read your responses to those kind posts

amother

DarkOrange ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 5:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

I guess I'm so different that to me it's inconceivable that someone can act this way. My other sil is the opposite when she comes. So complimentary and thankful.
I guess I'll give it more time.
Thanks everyone!
And to explain I don't need a million compliments but some acknowledgement of my food and decor would have been appropriate.

I have two sister in laws . One thinks I’m gods gift to mankind and lets me know that. The other one doesn’t compliment a thing . People are just different . Different personalities. But when I have the second one over , I do basic food , I don’t work too hard, and I know that I will get no compliments. If I’m not in the mood of that atmosphere on a specific shabbos I just won’t invite her over that week. You need to know who your hosting and what your expectations should be .

amother

Pink

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 5:34 pm

I'm not really shy by nature. I have a hard time with compliments in general. I too try to say something usually but I am not gushy at all. I think you're taking this way way out of context. To be honest I would never want to be your guest of you only think about the compliments you're going to get.

I happen to enjoy hosting and setting up and making beautiful tablescapes and food. I would never expect compliments from people. That's just way off. If I'm complimented it's nice but I would never not invite someone over because of that....

amother

↑ DarkOrange

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 5:37 pm

Just wanted to add that I have another sis in law who doesn’t compliment much , and even once said at my yuntif meal that I worked so hard on “oh I didn’t realize making yuntif was so easy, it’s just like a regular supper “ (if you’re regular supper includes an appetizer 2 mains 3 sides and dessert !) let me tell you that this one doesn’t get invited too often. It’s not that I work hard to get compliments . But it’s human nature that we like to be around people who make us feel good. Your sil isn’t mean, she just has a certain personality. It’s easier to host people when you know what you’re dealing with . Sometimes I’ll compliment my own food at the meal if no one else does !

amother

Peach

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 5:39 pm

If shes shy I'd assume that's why. I was super shy for a long while around my dh fam. I prob would think the compliments but not say them outloud.

amother

Gladiolus ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 5:41 pm

Voice of dissent here. Op I agree that’s it’s rude, and it’s not a good feeling when you work so hard and don’t get acknowledgment. Maybe she was overwhelmed. I would try again on a regular shabbos and see if it’s the same or things change

amother

Heather

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 5:50 pm

I hate complimenting.
I'll say thank you.

But so many times I say a compliment and it gets deflected back to me, making me feel like a loser.

"The chicken is delicious"
"Oh,this old recipe, psshh it's so easy, any dodo can do it"

And I'm left feeling 1)like I was just called a dodo because I cant make that chicken and 2) like theyre just fishing for compliments for me to push back "no seriously this chicken tastes professional.

I have gotten so seriously burnt, that I have given up on complimenting certain people. I'll just say thank you.

amother

Crocus ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 5:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

I am listening and internalizing everything I'm hearing from nice posters on here who are giving me an inner glimpse and different perspective of a shy person. So why am I getting so much 'love' when I as a hostess am stating a little something you can do to make a hostess feel more acknowledged and appreciated?
Understanding goes both ways.

Because, and I'm not trying to be mean just honest, you sound really arrogant, and it seems like you are throwing a fit because you didn't get the kind of reaction from her you expected. I assume a lot of people can't really relate to your behavior. Again, I'm not trying to be mean, but your initial behavior comes across as classless.

amother

↑ Lightgray ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 5:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

Nope. I'm just giving a PSA to very shy people to go a tiny bit out of their comfort zone and acknowledge their hosts effort in tiny way.

It seemed like you came here to vent/get another point of view about what happened
At what point in the conversation did your goal change to being a PSA to people?

Wolfsbane

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 5:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

To be honest, if someone is ultra shy, speaking up isn't just a tiny bit out of their comfort zone, it can feel like trying to jump off a cliff (sure you know you have a harness attached, but psyching yourself up to do it is plenty hard).

amother

↑ Aqua ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 6:00 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

OP got acknowledgement. The SIL said thank you. The BIL gave compliments.

amother

↑ Crocus

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 6:02 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

She was acknowledged, though, extensively by everyone else, and once by the sil. She's picking on the sil because she didn't provide a response OP feels is befitting her grand occasion.