How to tell tutor I'm not paying for the Chanukah party

OOTforlife

Yesterday at 11:15 am

watergirl wrote:

OP said this is a standardized prep tutor, not a regular math tutor or the like. These tutors are short term and very expensive. The relationship building they do is not the same as a regular tutor, and a chanukah party for the entire session is not appropriate or ethical. I'd be very frustrated if I spent that kind of money for my kid to chit-chat for the entire session without my prior knowledge.

Still I stand by my first comment on this thread - this is the kind of thing I'd try to get over and move past.

I agree with you on both counts. Yes, it is unprofessional and annoying. No, I wouldn't say anything the first time.

amother

Amber

Yesterday at 1:10 pm

amother Aquamarine wrote:

Are you sure they really did zero learning? My kids sometimes exaggerate about stuff like that. I agree it's inappropriate to charge you if no learning took place.

I have no idea what the reality is but some years ago I gave my niece some children's education software that was intended to teach certain skills.

She didn't believe that it was "educational" because she was having so much fun "playing" it.

amother

Plum

Yesterday at 1:21 pm

amother Molasses wrote:

Im a very conscientious tutor but I do only one on one tutoring and I am careful about every minute I spend with the child. I usually shmooze a little bit with them but the intention is that they feel comfortable and connected. I wouldn't do a Chanukah party or even take half the time to do a Chanukah game. However, here it sounds like a cross between tutoring and teaching a class. A few kids is already a group and when I taught I would definitely take time out for a Chanukah game and it was expected.

Even if what she did was not ok it would appear to have been done with good intentions. She went out of her way to buy these things for them out of her own pocket. So even if you don't approve you need to look away. You can let her know next Chanukah beforehand that you don't want to have to pay for a session where they aren't learning.

I am also a private tutor (one on one) that is very careful about not wasting time. And yes I agree with everu word above. Do not ruin the relationship. Also, FYI, where I live tutors often get tipped chanuka time the price of a week's worth of tutoring (not always, bit often). So consider that covered.

Simple1

Yesterday at 1:38 pm

I could see both sides. Tutoring cost a lot of money that we squeeze into our budget. Maybe she should next time ask parents how they feel about it beforehand . But your daughter probably enjoyed it and it’s best to let it go.

I like the above poster’s idea that she weaves learning into light activities. Maybe your daughter’s tutor did that.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 5:25 pm

Just to clarify, absolutely nothing was learned during this session. It was sufganiyot and shmoozing. The teacher is the type that enjoys shmoozing with her students. The session was one of a handful left before the test, so we were counting on every session to be productive. The sessions are expensive, at least for us, even though it's a group class. I deny my self things like much needed extra help around the house so that DD can have the extra tutoring. So I will not be paying for the session, but I'll be nice about it.

mommy3b2c ↓

Today at 6:16 pm

amother IndianRed wrote:

She might be throwing a party but simultaneously doing work at the same time.
I am a SLP and the week of chanukah I do fun projects too, interspersed with work. We play Chanukah word searches, a coloring sheet and sequencing the story, making our own menorah out of food. It is definitely more laid back than a standard session.

Why would you assume the op is not telling you the truth ? If she said that the whole session was just a party with no learning , then you can just believe her and respond to her based on what she said .

amother

Ruby

Today at 6:28 pm

I think the problem here is a lack of communication, perhaps on both ends.

If the tutor feels it's in the best interest of the kids to do an entire session of just a party, she should have a conversation with the mother first.

Since it's after the fact, you can call up and find out what the thought process was behind the party, (Maybe there was learning involved) and explain that next time she should have a discussion with you before making such a decision.

If overall you are happy with the tutor, I would not "punish" her for this because you want to have a positive relationship and for her to feel good about working with your DD

s c

Today at 6:39 pm

I agree with op. I think it was unethical of the tutor to 'steal' a complete session for a party. Private tuition is so expensive, what made her think that parents should pay for an entire session in which she didn't teach anything. She could just as easily have wound down the lesson early and finished up with donuts and very short party then everyone would have been happy.

amother

↑ OP

Today at 6:45 pm

abound wrote:

Im confused, you wrote that this party was planned, why didnt you stop it before. Did your daughter not tell you about the party before?

I was responding to someone who said maybe it was spontaneous. We didn't know about it, but the tutor planned it.

amother

Brickred

Today at 6:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

I was responding to someone who said maybe it was spontaneous. We didn't know about it, but the tutor planned it.

Maybe she planned just to bring donuts and then continue with the session but the party just kinda happened on its own and before you know it the time was up?

↑ mommy3b2c

Today at 6:56 pm

amother Brickred wrote:

Maybe she planned just to bring donuts and then continue with the session but the party just kinda happened on its own and before you know it the time was up?

Maybe you hired me to clean your house and then I just ended up shmoozing on the phone the whole time and then before I knew it time was up ? To bad , pay me anyway .

People really need to think about what they are saying .

↑ watergirl

Today at 7:16 pm

amother Brickred wrote:

Maybe she planned just to bring donuts and then continue with the session but the party just kinda happened on its own and before you know it the time was up?

People are responding as if this tutor is an slp or math tutor for a younger kid. Did people read OP’s posts? This is a specialized SAT/ACT/MCAT kind of tutor. She said it’s for one specific standardized test that is in a few weeks. It’s not a “learn while you play” session, it’s specifically geared to the test. This is not the kind of tutor in which any party would have been appropriate. These are older teens, if a party “happened on it’s own”, it’s on the professional to redirect.

amother

Salmon

Today at 7:18 pm

Sometimes, it's for connection, and to boost motivation, so the learning will go better next time.

What if you dgtr doesn't show too much interest, and other session are wasted on too much shmoozing, and now she let her have her fun, but then it will be serious learning from now on.

Similar, my therapist used a session to celebrate my birthday, we painted, in a diff room, but we did do some processing in meantime. It was lighter, so you open up more, and also show that she cares, and for more connection. It has a long term goal too, not just to waste time.

On chanuka, kids aren't interested in learning. I remember in school, we expected some fun chanuka games or parties/celebrations and didn't want to learn.

amother

Scarlet

Today at 7:19 pm

amother IndianRed wrote:

Good luck having her come back. I would not work a family if a mother would not pay me because we had a laid back session.

Not a laid-back session. There was zero tutoring done.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Today at 7:21 pm

amother IndianRed wrote:

Good luck having her come back. I would not work a family if a mother would not pay me because we had a laid back session.

I would not hire a tutor who parties instead of teaching.
Halachically, are you would take money for such a thing? Or refuse to work with a family who balks on payment for a non-session? Could this be genevah of some sort?

At the very least, the tutor should have told the parents about this ahead of time. She could have worked in a lesson either along with the party or end the tutoring session with the mini Chanuka party.
Why do tutors have to throw Chanuka parties anyway?