Is this fair? | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 8:57 am

My 14 year-old son is a really sweet boy and he made a $350 mistake, which he feels badly about that while I'm trying to figure out if I have any recourse, but right now likely not. I was hoping to use this money to pay for a high school application fee, and he basically used up all the available money in my account. He doesn't get an official allowance. He does any task you ask him to do.

He has about $850 from his bar mitzvah, do I use the money from his account for this application fee? He didn't go to camp this past summer, and he's not involved in any official extra curriculars. He never asks for anything special or expensive. He only ever asked for 1 game on his ipad which ended up leaving it connected to my paypal account which is how this mistake occurred. So do I let it go?

amother

Lightyellow ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 9:00 am

It really depends what it is. Did he purchase something purposely? In most cases I’d probably take it from his bar mitzvah money but it really depends what it was.

kenz ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 9:01 am

How can we try to answer this without knowing what his mistake was? Did he spend it on nosh? Did he gamble with it? Did it fall out of his pocket? How does a 14 year old make a $350 mistake? That’s a lot of money for him to have access to. And in general you’re saying he’s a very good boy so it sounds accidental. I would probably split it with him, but again, depends what you mean by “mistake.”

amother

DarkViolet

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 9:02 am

We need more information to answer.

When my kids break things and they know better, I make them pay for it.

For $350 I would probably split the cost with him since it's a lot.

↑ teachkids

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 9:03 am

Also, if you literally don’t have the money for his application fee otherwise it’s reasonable to say “that was the money set aside for you application, I need you to lay out the money and I can pay you back when x(and that can be a time or task he has to do)”

Success10

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 9:20 am

I would not borrow from him, rather from another source. He does not need to know your bank account is down to its last dollar. That’s intense for a teen to shoulder.

If you feel his mistake was deliberate and you’d like to take a nominal amount to pay it back, then fine, but that in no way should be connected to the application fee.

amother

Blushpink

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 9:24 am

Really depends what the mistake is. If he caused damage to others property and he's over bar mitzvah, it's his responsibility financially.

Otherwise I don't see any reason why he can't earn the money back by doing chores at home or even by neighbors (raking leaves, shoveling snow, etc)

amother

Honeydew

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 9:33 am

Personally I would not make him pay for it, and I definitely would not ask him to borrow the money. He should not know your bank account is $0, and borrowing money from kids is really not appropriate

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 9:34 am

Bascially most games he plays are free, there was one game he recently asked me to purchase and I agreed. I had a baby recently, so I don't remember when exactly, but the simplest way was to pay with paypal, and he used to be so good about asking for games that I didn't realize that over the past 2 months he spent about $350 on games and boosters. He started out with just a few $ here and there, but in the past few days it was like over $100-$200 which is how I caught the problem, because I was unexpectedly overdrawn. I showed him the tally of his purchases and he said he wouldn't do it again.

The other option is that it was just his birthday, so do I grant him clemency for his birthday?

mommyhood

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 9:40 am

Intent matters here. Was he holding your phone and it dropped on the concrete-pure accident, threw a ball in the dining room and the leichter broke-action he wasn’t supposed to do but didn’t foresee such bad results or did he take a baseball bat and shatter something-deliberately causing harm.
I would also check with a Rav before requiring him to pay to clarify the halachos for your situation.

JasmineDragon

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 9:45 am

amother OP wrote:

Did he understand that he was using things that cost money, and just didn't realize it was adding up, or he didn't realize it cost money at all? That makes a big difference.

I don't see the significance of it having been his birthday.

amother

↑ Lightyellow

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 9:47 am

amother OP wrote:

At his age he should have understood that wasn’t ok to spend. I’d make him give the money for it. I would not ignore this.

amother

Cinnamon

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 9:50 am

This is a not uncommon occurrence among naive young people as the games are a bit deceptive in terms of "costing" money for various "enhancements".

You might have some success in contacting the game and disputing the charges. I don't know how this works but I have read this is sometimes possible.

Under the circumstances - especially as you describe your son - I truly think this is a very innocent mistake and more equivalent to dropping something inadvertently rather than being deliberately thought out and greedy.

If you literally don't have the money from any source then I don't think "borrowing" it from your son is a terrible thing. He is not too young to understand that things cost and money isn't infinite. You don't have to "scare" him into assuming you are on the verge of eviction but I don't think it would be a life changing trauma for a teenager.

Maybe you should give him an allowance so that he has a better sense of budgets

↑ kenz

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 10:11 am

If he’s generally a very good boy and he really didn’t realize what he was doing, I think I would split it with him BUT only if you can afford to do so. He obviously needs to apply to high school and sometimes learning a lesson is tough. I definitely wouldn’t grant him complete clemency, nor would I harp on it any further. He made a mistake, he needs some accountability, and iyH he will grow from it.
Only nachas from here in, OP. Mazel tov on your baby too.

Last edited by kenz on Wed, Dec 25 2024, 11:44 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Peony

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 10:51 am

You said he asked to buy 1 game, then bought more. Did he believe he had permission to buy additional small things or that you wouldn't mind?
Or did he knowingly buy the extras after that first game without your permission?

Either way, I agree that the game companies are extremely sneaky and intended for customers to do exactly what he did. It's really an excellent lesson for him to be learning now regarding how to buy and pay for things online.

Since you believe it was innocent, I personally wouldn't mkae him pay for all of it or even half, but maybe a sum like $50. The exact amount would depend on whether or not he thought he had your permsision for these extra purchases.

But have a discussion with him about how it happened, how these games are set up, and steps to take as a consumer to be careful going forward. Tell him that you are asking him to pay the $50 because you want him to take responsibility and you want this to be a lesson for him. But you're his mother and you love him and therefore you will pay the rest.

amother

Tomato

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 11:07 am

I would not take the full amount because these game companies are EXTREMELY predatory and set things up so that this exact mistake is very easy to stumble into. Lesson learned for both of you, really. Take a nominal amount (maybe 50 like someone else suggested) and the two of you can sit down together and learn more about the tactics used by the industry so that you're both more aware for the future. Also, I know you think you have no recourse, but what have you done so far? Are sure you've exhausted every avenue? There might he more to try, and he can participate in the (very tedious, frustrating, onerous) process as part of the lesson of what's at stake (not just money, but time and sanity).