Feeling guilty about price of birthday tchatchkes

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Dec 23 2024, 10:25 pm

amother OP wrote:

The anxiety is not based in reality.
We don't like wasting money because our income is low, but we are very frugal, so we do have some money to spend.

Sometimes it's the right time to protect your kids from your husband's issues. Putting his anxieties first all the time is not the right answer either.

I strongly recommend you speak to your own therapist to get some clarity on this because it's dependent on so many personal factors.

simcha12plus

Mon, Dec 23 2024, 11:32 pm

As your children get older, the “cheap”
prizes and very inexpensive treats are not going to be sufficient. They will need more
expensive things for themselves and to
share with others. Perhaps instead of hiding this from your husband, admit it to yourself first and when you are confident in this realization, you will work it through with your husband in advance. He should know to expect the expense and not be surprised by it.

amother

Cantaloupe

Yesterday at 8:45 am

simcha12plus wrote:

She didn't know in advance

She planned for cheaper treats/prizes

She doesn't have to call him from the store to approve a more expensive treat

She made a judgement call and that should be the end of it.

imaima ↓

Yesterday at 9:24 am

amother OP wrote:

Dd's birthday is this week. She has 20+ kids in her class.
She could have brought 2 treats per kid or a treat and a prize.
She really wanted a treat and prize.

In the past, we've been very cheap on this kind of stuff. Dh has lots of financial anxiety. So we've given very cheap candy, like a dum dum and a fruit rollup. Probably add up to .50 per kid.

Last year I gave cheapo treat and a prize that was .25 each, which I thought was super cheap. So the total birthday cost was about $12.

Dd didnt want such simple treats this year. I went shopping with her and she wanted prizes that were $2.89 each, and treats that were $2.
I got her to be excited about prizes that were $1.25 each and treats that were $0.50 each. So the total birthday cost was about $42.

I felt sick to my stomach to be "wasting" so much money.
I hoped he wouldn't see the receipt. But he did. He was very very upset, but at leaders didn't say it in front of the children.

I said that I agree its crazy, but I really dissuaded her from more expensive things, and she really wanted it and it Will make her feel good, and that next year we'll do cheaper.he said "next year you'll have some other excuse."

We can't afford $20 per teacher Chanukah gelt...
But we could afford $42 once a year for this dd. (I can get away cheaper with other kids due to age, gender, class, etc.)

I'm feeling ich.

Good thing I have therapy tomorrow.
Anyone wants to give me chizzuk until then?

It’s really hard. I have no advice. I grew up very poor, but others weren’t much better.
A birthday in class was never individual anything. Kids would bring one homemade cake and divide between everyone. No prizes .

At the same time you don’t want to be the cheapest classmate. My dd had one such child in class, it looked ridiculous.

I think these standards have to shift en large. Celebrations should become simpler

↑ imaima

Yesterday at 9:26 am

amother OP wrote:

Thank you everyone.

No, dh is not in therapy. He has tried several therapists and quit them all. He doesn't believe in it. He has been odd his medication for a while too... He is rigid and stubborn and refusing to get help (or having impossible requirements) is part of it.

If you don’t have the money for chanuka gifts, then his anxiety is not anxiety but common sense