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amother
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 Yesterday at 9:06 pm
Dd's birthday is this week. She has 20+ kids in her class.
She could have brought 2 treats per kid or a treat and a prize.
She really wanted a treat and prize.
In the past, we've been very cheap on this kind of stuff. Dh has lots of financial anxiety. So we've given very cheap candy, like a dum dum and a fruit rollup. Probably add up to .50 per kid.
Last year I gave cheapo treat and a prize that was .25 each, which I thought was super cheap. So the total birthday cost was about $12.
Dd didnt want such simple treats this year. I went shopping with her and she wanted prizes that were $2.89 each, and treats that were $2.
I got her to be excited about prizes that were $1.25 each and treats that were $0.50 each. So the total birthday cost was about $42.
I felt sick to my stomach to be "wasting" so much money.
I hoped he wouldn't see the receipt. But he did. He was very very upset, but at leaders didn't say it in front of the children.
I said that I agree its crazy, but I really dissuaded her from more expensive things, and she really wanted it and it Will make her feel good, and that next year we'll do cheaper.he said "next year you'll have some other excuse."
We can't afford $20 per teacher Chanukah gelt...
But we could afford $42 once a year for this dd. (I can get away cheaper with other kids due to age, gender, class, etc.)
I'm feeling ich.
Good thing I have therapy tomorrow.
Anyone wants to give me chizzuk until then?
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amother
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Yesterday at 9:08 pm
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It’s fine you can splurge on your kid once a year. It’s not like you do this often. He needs to chill. Is he also seeing a therapist to be less rigid and anxious?
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amother
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Yesterday at 9:10 pm
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Is the anxiety based in reality? Do you not have the money? Or do you just not like spending it on drek?
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amother
Blue
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Yesterday at 9:11 pm
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I literally don’t have two Pennie’s to rub together, yet SH and I would still be okay with this. It’s your child’s birthday, and that’s important. We’d consider it a necessary expense, same as our electric bill
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amother
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Yesterday at 9:12 pm
Thank you everyone.
No, dh is not in therapy. He has tried several therapists and quit them all. He doesn't believe in it. He has been odd his medication for a while too... He is rigid and stubborn and refusing to get help (or having impossible requirements) is part of it.
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amother
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Yesterday at 9:13 pm
The anxiety is not based in reality.
We don't like wasting money because our income is low, but we are very frugal, so we do have some money to spend.
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amother
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Yesterday at 9:15 pm
Thank feels your kind words.
I appreciate hearing that normal would e to take care of this nicely, like an electric bill.
I do think that next year she should give something up to $1 per kid, which would be more like $25.
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amother
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Yesterday at 9:16 pm
Someone (whose kids give more expensive things out) once said to me- this is one time a year where the kid gives something out 5hey should feel food about themselves. Its once a year.
I'm trying to remind myself of that offer and over.
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amother
Carnation
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Yesterday at 9:22 pm
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It's true she should feel good but if her parents are arguing I think it will overweigh any benefits
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amother
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Yesterday at 9:22 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Someone (whose kids give more expensive things out) once said to me- this is one time a year where the kid gives something out 5hey should feel food about themselves. Its once a year.
I'm trying to remind myself of that offer and over. |
So they not have birthday parties (where gifting is traditional)? Do they not exchange mishloach manos?
Just trying to understand the culture
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amother
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Yesterday at 9:30 pm
| amother Moccasin wrote: | So they not have birthday parties (where gifting is traditional)? Do they not exchange mishloach manos?
Just trying to understand the culture |
No birthday parties.
Yes mishloach manos.
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ra_mom
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Yesterday at 9:30 pm
You're a good mom. And your guilt is coming from being a good wife.
I think you did the right thing. I don't think your husband has the capacity right now to understand what this means to your dd and the positive affects and after affects that it has on her being.
Pat yourself on the back and remind yourself how frugal you are in general, and how you thought this through before making the purchase, and you know you did right by your dd.
Happy Birthday!!
Last edited by ra_mom on Mon, Dec 23 2024, 9:31 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
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Yesterday at 9:31 pm
| amother Carnation wrote: | | It's true she should feel good but if her parents are arguing I think it will overweigh any benefits |
I know. I feel bad.
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amother
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Yesterday at 9:31 pm
| ra_mom wrote: | You're a good mom. And your guilt is coming from being a good wife.
I think you did the right thing. I don't think your husband has the capacity right now to understand what this means to your dd and the positive affects and after affects that it has on her being.
Pat yourself on the back and remind yourself how frugal you are and how you thought this through before making the purchase and you know you did right by your dd.
Happy Birthday!! |
Thank you. This post was like a warm hug.
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Fox
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Yesterday at 9:34 pm
OP, you did exactly the right thing! Your daughter will benefit far more from this than you may realize.
I learned this entirely by accident. We went through some horrible financial stress over the years when my DH was ill (like, no heat one winter in Chìcago). I always spent a lot on lunches and snacks, though. Honestly, I just felt bad that my kids had such a rigid schedule -- I wasn't trying to prove anything.
I also ordered a supply of white lunch bags. For some reason, white bags were one of those inexplicable status symbols that kids latch onto. So they had white lunch bags every day.
A few years ago, one of my adult daughters said, "Looking back, I know there were times when you and Ta were really struggling, but we never felt poor because we had such great lunches and fancy snacks."
My mind was blown! All the inconveniences and minor humiliations that accompany financial struggles were vanquished in my daughter's memory by lunches and snacks.
OP, I suspect this will be similar. There are other places to economize, but your DD will recall this for years to come.
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amother
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Yesterday at 9:38 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Thank you everyone.
No, dh is not in therapy. He has tried several therapists and quit them all. He doesn't believe in it. He has been odd his medication for a while too... He is rigid and stubborn and refusing to get help (or having impossible requirements) is part of it. |
I don’t think that’s fair of him. He can’t ask everyone to live around his anxiety while refusing to get help. He must get help. He’s hurting all of you. I’d also not be so inclined to enable this control while he’s not getting help. It should be a two way street, if he wants everyone to be sensitive to his anxiety he has to admit he has it and seek help.
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lavendar310
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Yesterday at 10:15 pm
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Seems like you know this child needs a little something extra. Good for you for being in tune with your children. I think it's totally valid to spend $42 on a child's birthday
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amother
Gladiolus
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Yesterday at 10:22 pm
I agree with everyone else- her birthday is her special day and it’s fun to share that with friends. You definitely made the right call in my opinion. Your husband isn’t putting himself in her place and doesn’t realize how much better she will feel giving out those more special treats and prizes and how it means a lot to a kid. That’s too bad.
(And it’s a lot cheaper than a birthday party!)
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amother
Yarrow
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Yesterday at 10:23 pm
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Yes 42 is cheap on today's world. I'm proud and happy you did the right thing! Pat yourself on the back!!
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amother
Daisy
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Yesterday at 10:25 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Dd's birthday is this week. She has 20+ kids in her class.
She could have brought 2 treats per kid or a treat and a prize.
She really wanted a treat and prize.
In the past, we've been very cheap on this kind of stuff. Dh has lots of financial anxiety. So we've given very cheap candy, like a dum dum and a fruit rollup. Probably add up to .50 per kid.
Last year I gave cheapo treat and a prize that was .25 each, which I thought was super cheap. So the total birthday cost was about $12.
Dd didnt want such simple treats this year. I went shopping with her and she wanted prizes that were $2.89 each, and treats that were $2.
I got her to be excited about prizes that were $1.25 each and treats that were $0.50 each. So the total birthday cost was about $42.
I felt sick to my stomach to be "wasting" so much money.
I hoped he wouldn't see the receipt. But he did. He was very very upset, but at leaders didn't say it in front of the children.
I said that I agree its crazy, but I really dissuaded her from more expensive things, and she really wanted it and it Will make her feel good, and that next year we'll do cheaper.he said "next year you'll have some other excuse."
We can't afford $20 per teacher Chanukah gelt...
But we could afford $42 once a year for this dd. (I can get away cheaper with other kids due to age, gender, class, etc.)
I'm feeling ich.
Good thing I have therapy tomorrow.
Anyone wants to give me chizzuk until then? |
tell him therapy is more expensive.
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