More frum than you VS less frum than you

mha3484

Sun, Dec 22 2024, 6:43 pm

amother Canary wrote:

We plan to send to slightly less. I'm a giyores and close with my parents who are very involved grandparents. My children will always have a bit more exposure to the secular world than I consider ideal. So I don't think they could totally fit in in the more Yeshivish school. I think it's very important for children to be able to fit in with their classmates. I'm a bit nervous about smartphone and social media peer pressure when my children are older, but other more Yeshivish families also send to the "modern" school, so our kids won't be the only ones without

This. I send my boys to a yeshivish yeshiva but it’s very much a community school in many ways. There is a healthy mix of JPF and the yeshivish spectrum. So depending on which kids class Ive been the frummy to the middle of the road.

We have a chassidish style cheder that is much more right wing, very ffb in the box. I could squash myself and fit in but its not fair to my kids to be the different ones.

amother

Pink

Sun, Dec 22 2024, 6:57 pm

I think it would come down to the more tolerant administration / policies environment.
Is the kid going to be shamed for having a different family life than the rest of the school?

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Dec 22 2024, 8:11 pm

We send to a school with all types as oppose to just right wing or left. My kids are definitely of the “frummer” ones in their class and they know it and feel very good about it which I think is nice. Also I feel that in a very right wing school nobody would want to send their kids to our house but we are really frum so that would bother me

amother

DarkPurple

Sun, Dec 22 2024, 8:15 pm

In my situation, less, because the school is a better fit for many reasons. But I don't think there is a blanket answer and depends on many things. I wouldn't want my kids feeling judged for being 'less' either.

amother

Latte

Sun, Dec 22 2024, 9:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

To broaden my question, if your haskafas are different than the school that your kids attend, does it not cause issues?

It causes issues if my hashkafas are different that the school’s. My first choice would be to find a place with a similar outlook, similar ideas and way of doing things. I know it’s not realistic to expect I’ll find a perfect match especially when dh and I aren’t the most typical. I always choose more frum. For us it’s easier to deal with those types of differences. If we end up needing to make changes we’re moving up not down. If kids make friends they’re less likely to be exposed to things we don’t want for them.

amother

Plum

Sun, Dec 22 2024, 9:44 pm

we send somewhere frummer than we are.

ngl, its hard. I think the school is doing some things that are damaging to the students and I really cant get on board with it. It bothers me tremendously.

thing is, the alternative to this school is no better.

we live out of town. I either get on board with the bais yaakov/cheder school here or I send to a co-ed place that has a whole different set of issues.

amother

Smokey

Sun, Dec 22 2024, 10:04 pm

Used to send my kids to more frum and really didn’t work for us. It was a boys school (maybe would be different in girls school?) and their behavior towards the non Jewish teachers was horrific and their holier than thou/you’re only a worthwhile human being if you’re learning attitude was painful and not the message we wanted to give our sons.

We ultimately switched to a less frum school where they were more respectful to all kinds and types and were soooooo much happier bH

amother

Firethorn

Mon, Dec 23 2024, 2:02 am

Depends on the kid. I have one kid in a community school and her sisters in a more- right-than bais yaakov school. I try to give each kid what they need

amother

Topaz

Mon, Dec 23 2024, 1:49 pm

Depends on some factors. We have children under the 3. But my husband doesn’t want to change his clothing or anything in order to get his children to school. My husband opposes to the idea that hat and jacket makes you a better person or that it’s the reason you are worthy enough to have a certain education. Yet there are schools who are less frum then us but some kids aren’t shomer Shabbos. The pressure to dress and act in certain way and the way he feels that his privacy will be controlled is really a thing for my DH.

amother

DarkGreen

Mon, Dec 23 2024, 2:08 pm

Are you ok with your child adapting frummer stuff or acting or talking more "yeshivish" or will that bother you?

(My 14 year has a kid in his fairly yeshivish class who's less. The kid wants to cut his hair shorter, grow in payos. His parents don't let. The kid wants a navy suit to blend in more, the parents insist on bright blue. The kid is unhappy because he feels different than everyone).