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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
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amother
Mintgreen
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 Yesterday at 9:29 pm
| amother Skyblue wrote: | One young man was barely Shomer Shabbos, watched TV that was turned on before.
Another was developmentaly slow. He thanked my daughter that she went through with the date.
Yes we made inquiries from before
Bottom line, ppl lie |
Almost identical personal experiences, down to going out with a couple of developmentally slow men because people were not forthcoming and deliberately tried to make things sound ok. Also once suggested to a man who was not frum at all but "might become religious for the right girl." I think some people just really don't know what it's like out there for many girls. Just writing this to validate you and tell you that your daughter is not the only one who has had this sort of experience, there are regular mainstream completely normal and with it girls who've experienced the same.
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amother
Yolk
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Yesterday at 9:59 pm
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If that’s all you have in savings you really need it for yourself. It’s not even a few months of emergency expenses. Ask a rav before you do this.
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amother
Bluebonnet
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Yesterday at 10:01 pm
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Pay a shadchan upfront 1k, to work for you
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amother
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Yesterday at 10:14 pm
| amother Gold wrote: | This is such a tone deaf response...
Do you know how many girls there are, especially in more Yeshivish circles that could go for years without a date?
The boys' mothers say no for ridiculous things. They are also inundated with resumes so if there is nothing that makes your child stand out or if you don't have someone that they know pushing for you chances are you're not going to hear back at all.
This is just the reality. And no people in these kinds of circles are not going to find the type of boy they are looking for at a single event or an online option. |
I’m sorry you though it was tone deaf. I was an ‘older single’ I BH married at 33. It’s not like I don’t have experience dating for 15 years!
Also the people I know absolutely expanded their network and eased some of the nahrishkeit as they got older. And for obvious reasons: if their mothers are saying no for silly reasons they need to go
Directly to the source. Certainly appropriate for men and women (not boys and girls) over 30
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amother
Purple
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Yesterday at 10:27 pm
Waste of money, tried it and they did nothing
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ettilou
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Yesterday at 10:31 pm
Just be prepared that you will get many suggestions and they might not be appropriate, or what she’s looking for. But with more resumes it will
Increase ur chances. Hatzlacha !! I really hope it works
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amother
Oleander
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Yesterday at 10:32 pm
| amother Skyblue wrote: | One young man was barely Shomer Shabbos, watched TV that was turned on before.
Another was developmentaly slow. He thanked my daughter that she went through with the date.
Yes we made inquiries from before
Bottom line, ppl lie | at least you found out before
It's really hard 😢
We should swap names here to daven for
Wishing you a good boy quickly with ease and clarity
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amother
Ruby
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Yesterday at 10:50 pm
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None of this surprises me. I have two colleagues who are lovely, smart, sweet, and kind. They are a pleasure to work with. One is 28 and the other is 33. I tried to make a shidduch for the 33 year old with a 38 year old cousin of a friend. He refused to even meet her because she was too old and I was told that he was actually a mentsch. I was disgusted. I will continue to look out for them, but understand that the situation is completely stacked against them.
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Cheiny
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Today at 12:36 am
| amother OP wrote: | Is it ok to offer? I thought of it over shabbos to get a good date going, she hasn’t had many good ideas recently…
my sisters 30 and been looking for years … she’s a regular BY has a nice job, masters degree, cute sweet great with her nieces and nephews they adore her;) she’s looking for a solid frum guy who’ll always prioritize learning but is a professional excellent middos more of a priority over his profession… |
Thinking you can buy a shidduch is a lack of emunah. One is required to make a reasonable amount of hishtadlus and that’s it. This smacks of desperation as well.
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amother
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Today at 12:46 am
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My relatives did it for my niece. They offered 10K on a WhatsApp chat. Word travels. She ended up engaged through it.
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amother
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Today at 12:46 am
| Cheiny wrote: | | Thinking you can buy a shidduch is a lack of emunah. One is required to make a reasonable amount of hishtadlus and that’s it. This smacks of desperation as well. |
It is. People are desperate. May you never know of the pain.
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amother
Feverfew
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Today at 1:04 am
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This is the biggest crises facing our community. I got married at 32, most of my friends ended up getting married by age 40 but nowadays there are even more singles in there thirties than there ever was. I would do it, BC it shows your sister you care, but really davening and recognizing that Hashem is in control is the key to finding the right one.
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amother
Papayawhip
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Today at 1:23 am
I was borderline older.
Nobody offered anything to help me. I did meet some great guys who were divorced, some with children. I ended up marrying one of them.
The single guys who were my age or older, they were just too problematic ( either they were weird, or no careers, or barely frum etc)
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amother
Cream
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Today at 1:30 am
| Cheiny wrote: | | Thinking you can buy a shidduch is a lack of emunah. One is required to make a reasonable amount of hishtadlus and that’s it. This smacks of desperation as well. |
Well you should be desperate at this age and no it isn't considered a lack of bitachon to hire someone to be devoted to your shidduch.
Its a huge mitzvah to help someone find their zivug.
It is one hundred percent ok to believe that Hashem gave the money and planted the idea in this sister's head so she can help her sister get engaged.
Also you never know how the shidduch is going to happen in the end.
Offering 10-20k doesn't mean giving it already. It is a only human nature to want to work harder if there is a prize in the end.
I myself have offered a lot of money but the shidduch happened a different way.
I didn't end up paying the money but I did go down in expectations.
And to you dear OP thank you thank you! You're very very kind! Just the idea is so thoughtful.
You should be blessed!
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