Seeking info about Crohns for shidduch that was suggested

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 10:14 am

The person suggested came down with Crohns at 19 and had to have surgery to cut out a piece of the Colon. Since then gets shots of Stelera every few months and (supposedly) has not had an episode for the past 7 years.
Noone knows if the remission is thanks to the shots or if all is just better.
Thoughts? My child is healthy and not really into dating someone who is not 100%.

amother

Tiffanyblue ↓

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 10:17 am

You could ask to speak to the prospective persons doctor- that is a very normal
Request in such a situation- then you will get a better picture of what to expect.

amother

Gardenia

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 10:29 am

Honestly, based on the phrasing of your question, it doesn't sound like a shidduch. Your daughter needs to respect her husband including the strength of character built through his medical challenges, and not see him as "not 100%".

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 10:30 am

amother Tiffanyblue wrote:

You could ask to speak to the prospective persons doctor- that is a very normal
Request in such a situation- then you will get a better picture of what to expect.

I know that. I want to speak to people who have knowledge of the disease. Or know people etc. I already spoke with a gastroenterologist friend who couldn't tell me much, except that it's good that it's been 7 years since the last flareup.

amother

Cognac ↓

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 11:04 am

Soooo many people in our commuinity have crohns. Literally theyre everywhere lol. Many many many of them live as 100% as the rest of us. Whem my daughter was diagnosed with crohns, all of a sudden people all around us disclosed they/their sister/son/daughter has crohns too...

7 years with no flare-ups is a very good sign. Typically if they havent found what works for them (crohns is highly individual in how it presents) then they would have kept flaring up with symptoms the past 7 years.
Whether its the medication or the surgery, something is working.
(Does this mean prior to the surgery and stelara he was not on this medication? Because if so, thats a great sign, it means he found a medication/surgery that was his solutionl

amother

↑ Cognac ↓

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 11:07 am

OP also this is an important point to realize.
Younger people with crohns and older people with crohns are WORLDSSSS apart in their experiences and perspectives because the best treatments/meds/diet etc have only come about in the past 15 years or so. So younger people have MUCH better controlled crohns overall, which means less symptoms, and less complications.

The people who have had serious war stories about crohns, in general, tend to be of older generations because they developed complications due to years of poorly managed crohns.

The younger generation overall has been managing it better, overall has less symptoms and complications and tend to be the ones twlling you that its not really such a big deal. BH .

amother

Daphne

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 11:12 am

amother Gardenia wrote:

Did I miss genders in this scenario?

amother

↑ Tiffanyblue

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 1:10 pm

Jccares.org- a Jewish crohns organization.
Everyone’s situation is very different so even if someone tells you they are doing great or awful
That may not be the same for the person you are talking about.

amother

Molasses

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 1:46 pm

Don’t know what to say

Dh has colitis, was in remission when we met and didn’t actually tell me what he had other than that he took meds for his stomach. It flared up a few years later but bH we found an excellent shalo ache and his doctor helped him avoid surgery and he gets monthly infusions

I love him and don’t view him as disabled or anything, I can’t see his intestines Smile

Glad we married each other

amother

Teal

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 1:52 pm

amother Daphne wrote:

Did I miss genders in this scenario?

She's assuming OPs child is a girl.

I also do, because a girl who isn't getting a lot of dates will be more open to a man with Crohns, much more so than a guy who can just pick up the next resume in his pile.

amother

Red

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 1:56 pm

My husband has crohns. Diagnosed after we got married although he has undiagnosed flare ups before hand
It is one of the most common diseases. Like literally everywhere. It’s just part of life. And DEFINITELY doesnt make someone not 100%
Sorry but this is so backwards
I have severe HG in pregnancy. My dh obviously couldn’t have known that beforehand. Should he have not gone out with me because “I’m not 100%”
I am in a position where I am privy to a lot of (regular, not sick) people’s medical history. MOST women, not just some women, are on anti-anxiety/depression meds. Are they not 100%??
Crohns is like one of the most easy to manage situations. It’s part of life. NO ONE goes through life with a perfectly functioning body all the time. We’re not the yevanim. We have greater priorities

amother

Moonstone

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 2:00 pm

I know someone with a slight body condition no one would know about. and you would never think she has it. She takes one pill a day to manage it. She is def 100% normal!
Say thank you Hashem your body works 100%.
I wonder how many more ppl out there have something as well.
Wouldn't be shocked seems like all Dr's offices are very busy.

↑ tulip3

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 2:01 pm

amother Red wrote:

It's very different to marry someone healthy and then there's something that comes up like hg. That's life, things happen. But to knowingly jump into a situation where's there's a health issue, it's something to think about.

Sewsew_mom

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 2:05 pm

Sadly these days when mental illness is rampant. Sometimes a person would faster choose to marry someone with a physical illness they know of that's super under control and not neglected.
I don't have any information about chrons but that's the piece I wanted to share.

Hashem is mezaveg zivugim. Hashem should send the the right shidduch speedy!

amother

Whitesmoke

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 2:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

There are different levels of crohns. If he had surgery at this young age then his crohns is more advanced than others. Keep this in mind.

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 3:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

Not 100%? Is anyone actually 100%??
Either you find out what’s wrong with your spouse before you get married or after. But no one is perfect. Your child should get that “not 100%” thing out of their head before they start dating.
I’d rather marry someone with a condition that I know about versus a problem that comes up after marriage- which could be physical health, mental health, bad middos, shalom bayis problems etc.
just go through all the threads on imamother. How many people married someone 100% perfect?

And btw loads and loads of Ashkenazi Jews have crohns it’s everywhere

amother

Watermelon

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 3:36 pm

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

There are different levels of crohns. If he had surgery at this young age then his crohns is more advanced than others. Keep this in mind.

Not necessarily, I would just assume it means it wasn’t caught quickly enough in the beginning. Many people ignore GI symptoms since it’s so common to have bad stomachs in the Ashkenazi world. Assuming the surgery was minor and hasn’t affected his/her quality of life, the medication has worked for 7 years and labs are good than I wouldn’t consider it an advanced case. If the surgery was several years into his journey I would be more concerned because that would mean it’s not responding to medication or possible not being managed properly.

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Jul 11 2024, 3:41 pm

Your not 100% makes me think that she (or you) married beneath her until forever I feel like she’s doing him a high said, and she deserves him to give in and compromise anytime she wants something different than what he wants. If you don’t feel that you are marrying, equal, or marrying up, you shouldn’t be going into a marriage.

That being said, everyone has flaws. Some you know about, some you don’t. Some are mental, some are physical. Some are there from before, and some develop over time. If you are looking for somebody who is 100%, either he will be getting plus that you don’t know about, but I promise you they will surface, or you are not being realistic.
Whether or not Crohn’s is a challenge, which is a good match for your daughter, and something she’s willing to take on is another story, but don’t expect to find anybody. Perfect, who remains perfect, out there.