9 year old DS school resistance

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 5:05 pm

My 9 year old DS has been giving us a hard time about going to school recently. Not every day but it's becoming a pattern.
And then he won't get dressed and he'll miss his carpool, and then I'll have to bring him to school, late, after I bring my 6 year old dd.

He doesn't have a lot to say about it. Just "he doesn't want to go", "he hates school" etc...
He likes his teachers, he has friends B"H, he's not having a hard time with the material B"H.

I spoke to his Rebbe on thursday and his Rebbe spoke to him. Basically he told Rebbe that school is just too long. (8:30-4:00).
Rebbe suggested I bring him late once a week or pick him up early once a week and that might motivate him to go nicely the rest of the week.

I'm not sure I love that idea, although I appreciate very much the flexibility that he offered me.

I'm just not sure it's the best thing for my son.

Basically, my son is very much in his own head. He loves learning the things he's interested in - police stuff, police vehicles, countries around the world. My feeling is that he's in his own head, and he spends the whole day at school waiting to get home so he could do the things he's interested in.

So I'm not sure that an extra hour home once a week is the right solution.

I hope wise women here will be able to give me ideas.

Thank you

amother

Valerian

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 6:48 pm

I think the rebbe has a good idea. I gave my son days off if he asked in advance, never if he asked in the morning. Sometimes it was even once a month. If your kid is refusing to go to school, something is not working for him.
Very brave of a previous poster to say outright to get an evaluation. School refusal is a real thing and is an indication of something bigger. Sometimes bullying or mean teacher but sometimes a learning/focusing/social difference
My son has audhd for reference

Last edited by amother on Wed, Dec 18 2024, 8:21 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Cream

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 10:45 pm

Is he academically advanced? It is very hard to be bored all day, especially for children who like learning. I used to read under my desk in class (a bit older) when I really couldn't handle it.
If that is the issue the Rebbi's suggestion could work. Take him out of his usual environment and give the kid a chance to become an expert in his area of interest. I dont love the idea of making him different, so I might first providing intellectual stimulation in addition to school. However I recognize that that will not make as much of a difference.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 11:50 pm

Thanks for the input.
He is academically advanced on the one hand BH, but on the other hand, everything that he’s learning is new to him. It’s not like he’s learning stuff he already learned.
It’s just that his own interests, interest him more.

amother

Poinsettia

Tue, Dec 17 2024, 12:22 am

My situation is not exactly like yours, but my son only goes half a day right now. It's super inconvenient for me, but we are doing what's best for him. Hopefully it will change soon.

Just being encouraging for you to be creative and embrace thinking outside the box. Every kid is different and it doesn't make sense that every kid at age 9 should sit in a classroom until 4 or later.

amother

Quince

Tue, Dec 17 2024, 12:25 am

No advice but I do like the Rebbes idea.
Maybe make it work in your favor, if he goes nicely every day then once every week or 2 you’ll take him later or maybe once a month he can have a Mommy & me date wether during school hours or after hours.

amother

Mauve ↓

Tue, Dec 17 2024, 12:49 am

Honestly? you'll hate me for this but I would have him evaluated for ADD.
For background, I work in a boys cheider and I have 6 sons of my own.
The combination of living in his own head and finding the school day too long are pretty strong signs.
3rd grade is generally where ADD crops up as a problem as the timespan expected for concentration is longer and the school day is more sitting focused and less active.
Take into account that if this is the problem, it will only get worse with time as the demands are more as they go up through the school. It's worth treating now before it gets to be an emotional/discipline problem.

monseymom161

Tue, Dec 17 2024, 10:28 am

We do contests. If they go to school really nicely for a month then we'll do a trip to the ice cream store, or whatever...

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Dec 18 2024, 1:27 am

amother Mauve wrote:

Hmmm this is food for thought.
You’re saying it could inattentive ADHD? Because he’s not impulsive or hyperactive BH.

Can you tell me more what you mean about becoming an emotional problem?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Dec 18 2024, 1:29 am

Thank you to everyone who responded. I have a lot from you all to think about.

amother

↑ Mauve

Wed, Dec 18 2024, 1:35 am

amother OP wrote:

Hmmm this is food for thought.
You’re saying it could inattentive ADHD? Because he’s not impulsive or hyperactive BH.

Can you tell me more what you mean about becoming an emotional problem?

Yes, inattentive. An attention deficit disorder rather than hyperactive.

A child who feels that they ought to be able to succeed and it's not quite happening, who feels they ought to be able to concentrate and they can't, who is used to succeeding and now is finding it harder, builds up a high frustration level and a low self image. Seeing as most of his day is in school, it could be that now he is a bright kid and it doesn't matter if he spaces out a lot of the time, he still gets good grades. As the pace of learning picks up, the teacher does less repetition and review, he will find it harder if he spaces out. Level of success begins to go down, self doubt and recrimination set in. Then it becomes an emotional problem which is way harder to deal with.

amother

Camellia

Wed, Dec 18 2024, 5:48 am

amother OP wrote:

Elementary school teachers usually teach everything slowly and repeat a lot. So even though everything is new, he could definitely be bored out of his mind if he's getting everything in the first few minutes and the next 5-10 minutes is lengthy explanation and review of what he already understands.

amother

Glitter

Wed, Dec 18 2024, 7:05 am

In my experience there has ALWAYS been an underlying issue when a child resisted going to school in the morning. Something in school was DIFFICULT for DC and that would make it hard to get up and out on the morning.

In your situation I would explore if your child is struggling to focus. Although he is bright and does well, when he says the day is just too long (together with your living in head comment), it makes me wonder if he is struggling to focus. Maybe he is even succeeding, but it is just sooo hard and the thought of having to do that has him dawdling.

amother

Oatmeal

Yesterday at 12:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

WOW! WOW!
I read this post a few times, because I thought I wrote it as I’m in an eerily similar situation with my nine year-old son. So similar, down to his interests of police and maps, etc.

I can tell you where we’re up to on our journey, we’re not out at the other side yet, but I could tell you what we’re in the middle of doing. Another component that my son has that I’m not sure if yours does is an emotional component - because he’s in his head, he gets very mad about things very quickly, and then will turn like stony faced and not communicate. So this is a big part that we are working on.

He’s working with an excellent social worker at school to address the emotional regulation aspect. My husband and I are working with a Parenting coach on how to set boundaries and be consistent at home with him. I also spoke to a language therapist recently who said this is very common and the issues at this age are usually emotional regulation and critical thinking. This is the age that those issues catch up with them as the demands increase in school and socially.

There are still days that he doesn’t want to get up and get dressed and go to school but those decreased. He has the same reasoning as your son that the day is too long. His rebbe said that’s unusual for someone his age to say because school should be motivating and interesting for kids. So there is an issue, and a reason that he is saying that. I’ve been able to motivate him with small treats and prizes. He’s able to take breaks in school as per his rebbe. And he also loves working with the social worker that he’s working with, so that’s motivating to him.

When he’s home in the afternoon and Shabbos on Sunday, I take it easy with him and I let him know that he has left. The demands of the school is rough for him. We also sometimes skip homework.

Hope this helps you somewhat!

amother

↑ OP

Yesterday at 11:08 pm

Whoa...

I am a bit overwhelmed.

I had a talk with my ds tonight and I didn't get any super clear answers. Except he was pretty clear that he isn't having trouble focusing or concentrating and that he isn't spacing out (except at recess, where he doesn't play with the boys but he goes into imagination land.).

He said "it's annoying because he has to think". I said "but you love thinking". I forget exactly what he answered but something like, "that's at home.".

So part of me says, this doesn't sound like Adhd. And part of me says - yes it is ADHD and he needs an eval.

Meanwhile, I also spoke unofficially with a child psychiatrist and mentioned that I'm having some trouble with school resistance. I am feeling really annoyed because based on that fact basically ALONE, and not knowing or asking anything else about him (except whether he's rested), she said he might have depression and should be seen by a child psych. And I'm like WHOA, way overboard.

Anyway, I guess the question is how to start with getting him an eval - it "happens" to be that I've been trying to reach the school special services person for a different child and she is not really reachable. So that's not an option.

Do I start with his pediatrician? Or do I find some other way to do things through the school?