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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances

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amother

Stone

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 2:11 pm

I disagree. I buy on sale. But I also buy things my child really wants. No anxiety here whatsoever. Also I would never let my child not have sth everyone else has. Because I was that kid. So that's sth I would spend money on. But my child does not care if we are eating chicken or meat or if pasta was on sale this week. And I want to teach my kid to save miney and handle their finances in the future. Dh wasted his money like crazy because he was never taught to save. It's a terrible way to raise a child. Extremes are never good. I also told dh last week he buys too many snacks. It's ridiculous how much money he spends on snacks and it's unreasonable. And I don't tell my child " we can't afford this!!! Put it back!!!" I say: this cost that much, and that cost xy. If you choose this, we can only buy one. If you choose the other, you can get 2. You gotta teach them how the world works, money doesn't grow on trees

amother

↑ Iris ↓

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 2:12 pm

flowerpower wrote:

Not really. I will never buy fruity pebbles and other garbage because they are not considered edible. I buy basic cereals like regular Cheerios and rice crispies… my kids taste buds developed into eating normal cereals. When we go to a hotel that offers free breakfast I bring up some fruity pebbles and “colorful cherrios” as a treat. They don’t even eat a full spoon before saying yuk. I see kids coming to the bus stop with sugar loaded junk cereals every single morning. Is this how you want your kids to start their day on? Sugar and garbage?! I call soda “poison” in my house. We don’t bring it in usually unless there is special guest on shabbos. Even then its only fresca. Its ok to teach kids that there are healthy food and junky food and they should try to make wise choices.

Your kids don't find it odd that you want to buy "poison" for special guests?

↑ flowerpower ↓

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 2:20 pm

amother Iris wrote:

Your kids don't find it odd that you want to buy "poison" for special guests?

No. I show them how much sugar it has and they arent interested in drinking it. When they win a soda in cheder they save it for shabbos and then divide it between all their siblings. Its not like they are deprived and drink tons elsewhere. They take a few sips and leave the rest for the kitchen drain. My neighbors were once saying that pizza comes with coke. Their kids can’t eat pizza without having coke. My kids are trained to drink water only and they love water. Many things are how you train your kids.

amother

↑ Iris

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 2:25 pm

flowerpower wrote:

We don't drink much soda in my house either and my kids aren't big fans. I just find it odd to call something poison in your house and then serve it to guests, especially a special guest.

pause ↓

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 2:50 pm

I feel like the importance of being "normal" and having the snacks that everyone has is terribly overrated.

Conformity isn't meant to be the biggest value out there. Somehow these days conformity overrides common sense, especially when it comes to clothes and food, but it's just not that big of a value. That's not to say that there isn't value to it altogether; there are definitely benefits to fitting in and there is a time and place for everything. But as a general rule, when we let it drive our parenting decisions, nope.

OTOH, individuality and pride in owning your decisions, whether they are unpopular or not, and teaching that to your children, will help them much more in the long run than giving them snacks that "everyone" has.

Because now it's snacks and then it's designer clothes and then it's bugaboos and jewelry and fancy houses and expensive cars, and the sky's the limit. The skill of knowing what we do and why we do it, even if many people do differently, and to take pride in that, is best taught from early on.

↑ flowerpower ↓

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 3:36 pm

amother Iris wrote:

We don't drink much soda in my house either and my kids aren't big fans. I just find it odd to call something poison in your house and then serve it to guests, especially a special guest.

It’s an expression. Were not such black and white thinkers here… lighten up!

amother

Azalea

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 3:42 pm

I didn't read all the replies, so maybe someone already made this point for me. I don't send snack bags to school because they're incredibly unhealthy. We save snack bags for Shabbos and trip days as a special treat. My kids take fruit, applesauce, homemade baked goods, popcorn, pretzels, crackers and cheese, cereal. They learn much better if they fill up on wholesome foods. I'd rather splurge on fruits that they like which can get more expensive rather than on snack bags which are also a waste of money since they're mostly filled with air.

amother

↑ Thistle

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 3:42 pm

flowerpower wrote:

It’s an expression. Were not such black and white thinkers here… lighten up!

Kids take things literally.

renslet

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 3:43 pm

goodvibes wrote:

Quote: "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

It’s not about the actual actions you take while saving money, it’s how rigid you are about it and how your family feels through it. l!

This!!!!
A million times over.
A child needs to feel heard, supported, understood etc.
What your personal limits are does not make a difference, what makes a difference is how your child feels about it. Some kids are fine with explanations, some need to fit in, and some are free thinkers.
What's important to one, is not what is important to a different one.
We need to stop projecting our childhood wants and needs on our kids.

I once read a study about disordered eating and so much of it can come from black and white thinking, this food is junk/poison etc. interestingly parents limiting food for other reasons, finance, availability etc did not have the same correlation

↑ flowerpower ↓

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 4:16 pm

amother Thistle wrote:

Kids take things literally.

Not my kids. Were a very jolly family. We get and make jokes. 🙂🙂

chocolate moose

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 4:39 pm

it's all a balance. some kids are ok with restriction and such, but not others. and how come it's only coming out now, not in the olden days?

↑ flowerpower

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 5:38 pm

flowerpower wrote:

Not my kids. Were a very jolly family. We get and make jokes. 🙂🙂

Whats the hug for? You can’t handle gray thinking?

Last edited by flowerpower on Thu, Dec 19 2024, 5:40 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Mustard

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 5:40 pm

amother Azalea wrote:

My big kids (10 &12) say fruit is nerdy. They refuse to bring it and if I sneak it in it comes back uneaten. Wish my kids took nutritious food for snacks

amother

Babypink ↓

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 5:58 pm

pause wrote:

This a million times!!!

Other kids have electric bikes and scooters. But they're dangerous (and silly--taking away the few forms of exercise they happily do on their own!). So I don't get them for my kids. I'll happily get them regular bikes and scooters.

Other kids get to go to Florida on vacation. We have better ways to use our money. We don't. I don't apologize. We are living according to our values. We might take them camping, make a bonfire, eat smores, have a great time, and spend a tiny fraction of what their friends' parents are. They are not losing out, but they are also not getting the same as their friends. That's okay.

When we go to a kiddush or a party or are eating dessert at Bubby's house or whatever, I remind them to take "like a mensch." That means making sure there's enough to go around. It also means not taking more than you can eat, or more than you SHOULD eat. I don't have to remind my teens anymore, and generally not my tweens either. They know, and take accordingly.

My kids are not deprived. They also may not have the brand-name item that their friends have. But they have plenty of clothing. They may not have the packaging their friends have on their snacks. But they have plenty of food. And you know what? I tell them to let me know if there's something they really want that I don't normally buy, and I'll wait until it goes on sale or splurge on it for a special treat every once in a while. They understand why. And honestly, they appreciate that I make it a priority to get it for them. If I bought it all the time, I don't think it would even be seen as something to be grateful for.

I also am not deprived. If I need clothes, I buy them, but I price compare and don't buy overpriced clothing unless I have no choice (I.e., can't find the item at a lower price). I say no to myself all the time. Sure, I'd love to have full-time cleaning help, but NOT having it does not mean I'm deprived. I'd love to buy take-out every day I'm not feeling well, but I don't. I do buy it on a very rare occasion, and it feels like a special treat. The same way I do for my kids and their own treats.

It seems like this mindset has gone out of fashion. I set material boundaries on myself, for financial reasons but also because I think it has value to do so. I set boundaries on my kids as well.

Why is everyone so afraid to set boundaries for their kids? I don't get it.

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 6:05 pm

keym wrote:

Its not about no boundaries, it's about as kids feeling heard and seen and feeling like our needs mattered.

I think it was R Yaakov Kamenetzky who said that a child with his sailboat in the bathtub is like a captain with his ocean liner.

I was raised like OP. "what's the big deal. Chips are chips. Just eat them. Kids are starving in India".

That doesn't give the child the safety of being seen and validated.

A parent needs to listen to the child. "I hear. Individual snack bags are important to you. Let's talk about what we can do. Maybe individual bags once a week. Maybe better quality bags to prevent crushing. Maybe decorating the baggies. Maybe only on the birthday. Maybe homemade"
The parents shouldn't stand on ceremony just not to spoil the kid.

There's so much to do to make the kid feel heard.

Trauma is not about what happened it's about how it was handled. A child whose parents don't have the money but the parents acknowledge how important it is to the child and try to make it work even once a year are less likely to be traumatized from the rules or nos or boundaries.

You took my thoughts and expressed them exactly . (Are you in my head ??? Starting to get worried lol )

Especially this :

“Its not about no boundaries, it's about as kids feeling heard and seen and feeling like our needs mattered.”

amother

Puce ↓

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 6:43 pm

amother Tulip wrote:

I agree
But I have this opinion in general
If something is available and the kids know it, they will not feel the need to have it always

Some examples
My pantry is stocked with sweet cereals and healthy cereals, yet dd requests bran flakes for breakfast
Once in a blue moon she'll ask for fruity pebbles, and she gets that

My nosh cabinet is fully stocked. Think sour sticks, candies, lollies, fruit roll ups... yet dd usually goes for cookies or chips. Or fruit

We don't have a computer but my tablet is always floating around the house
She hardly ever requests screen time. She knows she'll get it at the usual unofficial time we have fir screen time

Going anon here cuz I share this perspective with friends pretty often irl

Its not just about having a full pantry because food doesnt only fill the stomach. It numbs people and kids, it feels good to the mind. Do you give your kids attention and love and everything else that they need. Because that also helps them feel food secure and not want to overeat or binge on junk.

And ofc some people and kids are just hardwired to want to binge on nosh and junk because of adhd/trauma/other eating disorders it doesnt matter how full the pantry is or how full the home is with love.

amother

↑ Puce ↓

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 6:45 pm

amother Iris wrote:

We don't drink much soda in my house either and my kids aren't big fans. I just find it odd to call something poison in your house and then serve it to guests, especially a special guest.

You know they say the dose makes the poison. So ocasional poison with a guest is fine lol.

We do drink sodas at my house btw im only joking.

amother

↑ Tulip ↓

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 7:13 pm

amother Puce wrote:

Gosh
I sometimes wonder if the people behind the screens on this site are even real
The bolded comment is so out of line
In a real life conversation this would be an overly rude comment. Rude is not even the right word, I'm not sure what is

Watch your words

Also food does not numb the mind. That is a very unhealthy way to think about food
Maybe junk food does

amother

↑ Puce

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 8:20 pm

amother Tulip wrote:

You wasnt directed at anyone. You as in general you
and yes some people numb themselfs with food the same way people do with alcohol

↑ giftedmom

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 8:25 pm

amother Tulip wrote:

Fun fact. Gluten and dairy both produce proteins that bind to the brain receptors in a similar way that morphine does. They are called glutomorphin and casemorphin. So yeah food can literally be a drug for some people.

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