Spinoff tuition thre... I am not some magical mythical being

amother

↑ Navyblue ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 3:46 pm

amother Lightyellow wrote:

Everyone's 'truth' is different. OP manages, and so do many others.

But there is no way I could've worked when I had 5 kids under 6. No way in the world. That is MY truth.

You should appreciate how lucky you are and understand that the "truth" is not putting food on the table by itself.
Some people need to work just to live

amother

Mulberry ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 4:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

1. Because I am dealing with almost everything you listed. Just to start: Special needs kids- plural, family members with health needs. My life isn't fun, easy or perfect. I could go on but don't want to out myself. But yes mental health issues in the family, emotional/verbal abuse too. I could go on.
2. You do it if you have to. I am exhausted. I prioritize my kids over me. There is a lot to do with mindset and willpower and the fact that there is no other choice or you will be the proud owner of the tent in the park. So many people assume they can't. Or they had one bad experience but switching jobs, changing hours etc can make the difference.

Some women never bother to try. Or can't get over the "I need perfectly updated and cleaned homes daily" which is totally a want, not a need. I don't live a fancy life.
Mindset matters. Read up on Carole dwek and growth mindset.
You can increase your capabilities and get "more energy" to do it all

OP, I would love to know you irl. I will never understand women who I believe shirk basic responsibility because they ‘can’t.’
I worked full time plus when I had a few little kids and lived in an apartment. Now bh I live in a large house and have many more kids, including teenagers, and shocker, I still work! Bh bh today DH covers our monthly expenses and my salary goes into Savings - weddings and retirement don’t pay for themselves!
To all those preaching about choices - you x can choose to prioritize keeping babies home when tuition, food and basics are covered. But if your choices mean I have to pay to cover your lifestyle, you don’t get to make that choice.

Chayalle ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 4:10 pm

amother Carnation wrote:

I work full-time. But I think it's sad how feminism was supposed to give women choices and options and now working became a requirement instead that every woman is supposed to meet or else they're lazy and mooching off the public.

I think it's a beautiful myth that women were always SAHM, generously supported by their hardworking husbands. The truth is much more complex than that.
Many families struggled to feed their kids, and woman either lived with that or worked to fill in the needed income.
I know my great-grandmother HYD started a business when her husband's small army check (he was drafted into the Hungarian army during WWI) was insufficient to cover the rent of a small apartment for herself and her baby daughter (my grandmother AH) and she wished to move out of living with her in-laws. It was successful and she continued the business even after he returned and made a parnassah, because you know, life is expensive. Later her savings helped her afford Aryan papers for her children to save their lives during the next war...

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 4:13 pm

Trademark wrote:

Stop being so judgmental.

And just because you're a martyr doesn't mean that everyone has to be.

And you were already told multiple times that maybe not everyone has the same capacity.

And some people prioritize being home with their children as being most important.

So then those who are SAHM should not get community support, Tuition discounts, tomchei...
Because when I wanted to decrease my hours and get a discount the school said "but you made X last year so can continue, so no".
People assume that because I work I own a home. I don't. I am not rich.

↑ Chayalle

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 4:14 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

Maturity means recognizing and accepting that people who are not you were given a different set of talents and limitations.

Interesting definition of maturity.
For myself, I also view maturity as stretching my own abilities. Being honest about where I have to draw the line, and where I can do more. What is a true need, and what is a want. And knowing these are often very grey areas.

amother

↑ Cobalt ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 4:16 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Sure. And not for someone else to judge.

amother

Ebony

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 4:16 pm

amother Hotpink wrote:

I don't have anyone to nanny share

And I don't make no where near enough to cover a nanny!! I would lose money...

Ya, exactly. If I worked FT, after the childcare Id be making pennies plus feel like a shmatta. Im in Israel though so it isnt really about the tuition. The school day here is really short and where I live, there is no afternoon program for the elem school and no way can my son with SN mainstreamed stay alone daily.

My husband has a pretty inflexible schedule. Some of it is self-induced. For SB I need to have flexibility.

amother

↑ Scarlet ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 4:16 pm

amother Mulberry wrote:

OP, I would love to know you irl. I will never understand women who I believe shirk basic responsibility because they ‘can’t.’

But do you understand someone who, when it's their own needs they need to take care of, would struggle to support themselves? Or someone who, even with support, would struggle to eat or shower?

flowerpower ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 4:19 pm

When I had 4 little kids I worked many hours a day many days a week. I manages really well bh. As my kids got older and had more emotional needs and had more kids that had more physical needs I found it a little more complicated to work all those hours. There are time in life when working many hours isnt sooo hard and there are times when it is very hard. My sister has married, a kallah… down to a toddler. She works full time. She is a shmatta. Gets sick often from the lack of sleep plus stress. Happy it works for you op. But many times working full time while being a certain stages in life can make it really really hard

↑ Trademark

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 4:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

Wow the not fargining is off the charts.

You are free to give your tzedakah to people and causes you approve of.

I for one like to give tzedakah without so many cheshbonos and hope hashem is not so exacting with me.

And I fargin others a bit, and also not resentful even if they get tzedakah even they are not 100% a martyr.

amother

Mintgreen ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 4:20 pm

I worked until my mental health was in the gutter. I was going to sleep at night hoping to die and woke up in the morning crying that I had woken up. After several months of this I quit my job.

Some of us can't be mothers as well as wage earners, and we found that out the hard way, and it has nothing to do with physical ability.

If I had no way to put food on the table other than work full time, I would not be alive. Full stop.

There are many homeless people on the streets. BH not from our community, because we take care of our own, but insisting that people who need to do something will figure it out is just not true.

amother

↑ Mintgreen ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 4:22 pm

Trademark wrote:

Some people can't be a martyr and some people can't understand that others are struggling with challenges they can't fathom. We all struggle with something.

↑ flowerpower ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 4:27 pm

Many times you can’t have it all. Either you are a devoted employee or a good mother or neither because you are trying to juggle both. My neighbors ( a few of them) make frozen processed junk for supper every night because they are too drained. They are up with babies all night and go off to work like a zombie. Then they come home even more drained and dump something in the oven. Their kids will never have the memories of coming home to a happy mother and a fresh pot of soup cooking on the stove. No one is super huma. Somethings gotta give.

amother

↑ Sand ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 4:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

Theoretically I would agree that SAHM should not get community tzedaka as long as kollel families don’t get communal tzedaka either. They’re two sides of the same coin.

amother

↑ Sand ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 4:45 pm

amother Mulberry wrote:

You consider “basic responsibilities” to be working full time while you have young kids so you can save up for a house, other people consider “basic responsibilities” not to send to babysitters the infants they chose to birth. Neither is black and white, but your way isn’t the only right way.