Spinoff tuition thre... I am not some magical mythical being

amother

↑ Scarlet ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:58 am

amother Carnation wrote:

I work full-time. But I think it's sad how feminism was supposed to give women choices and options and now working became a requirement instead that every woman is supposed to meet or else they're lazy and mooching off the public.

Women always worked. It's just that most historical depictions favor the nobility and gentry, the classes that didn't do menial labor outside the home.

amother

↑ Slategray

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 11:04 am

amother Carnation wrote:

the economy is to blame for women needing to work, not feminism. I’m grateful that feminism has given me options beyond teaching and secretarial work.

Trademark ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 11:16 am

I didn't read the entire thread, but so much judgment. Not everyone has the same physical, mental, and emotional capacity.

And many people have different priorities. And not leaving a baby/ toddler for 9 plus hours a day (I'm assuming that's what full time working mothers are doing, unless they do shorter hours those years, but it was not specified) is just as important.

And don't you think that the sahms, or part time working mothers judge you just as harshly for not being there for your kids?

Everyone makes their own cheshbonos, no need for the judgment.

amother

Sand ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 11:24 am

amother Chicory wrote:

For those who say "just because you do, not all women could".
Are you equally understanding of the men in your life.
If your husband told you that working more than 20 hours a week is bad for your mental health, would you give him the same grace.

I work 30 hours a week. Im surrounded by people who marvel "I can never do that".
Yet they demand that their husband work 50 hours a week, change their entire personality, become a person they're not. They're very quick to accept not working, short cuts like paper goods, fish sticks, cleaning help for themselves. But they don't extend the grace leeway and understanding to him.

I work as much as I can. I do the shortcuts I need. I also accept my husband's warts and all, even if he's not a hustler. Hes steady and reliable and works hard and isn't aggressive so he's not high earning.

I mean of course I give my husband a certain amount of grace when it comes to him earning a living, but nowhere near the amount of grace I give myself. And on the flip side, my husband gets a lot more grace than I do when it comes to childcare and domestic duties. With adulthood comes responsibility, responsibilities that need to happen sometimes regardless of other considerations. Of course our responsibilities are technically shared but in our marriage we fall mostly into traditional boxes.

amother

↑ Sand ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 11:30 am

amother Heather wrote:

Some people don't want to do hard things.

I don’t think it’s a matter of not wanting to do hard things. It’s a matter of realizing that being a full time working mother is far far far from ideal for your kids, your household, your marriage, and your own wellbeing. So they go to great lengths to avoid it.

amother

↑ Sand ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 11:32 am

On the flip side, for me I sincerely feel that it would literally be impossible for me to send my young infants to babysitters so that I can go back to work. This means that I am willing to make extremely large sacrifices in order to not be in a position to have to do so. Sacrifices that perhaps some full time working mothers don’t feel are worth the trade off.

amother

↑ Winterberry

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 11:32 am

amother Lightyellow wrote:

Everyone's 'truth' is different. OP manages, and so do many others.

But there is no way I could've worked when I had 5 kids under 6. No way in the world. That is MY truth.

If it was a matter of being able to clothe, feed or house them you probably would have worked

amother

↑ Sand ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 11:42 am

OP why is it so hard for you to understand that just because you are capable of something it doesn’t mean that everyone else is also automatically capable of it?

1. Some women are dealing with things in their life that you aren’t a. Special needs children, abusive marriages, health issues. These things may make it truly impossible for them to work full time and still manage the other parts of their life.

2. Some women were born with different capabilities than you were. Even with a “regular” life they simply are not able to handle a full time job along with their other responsibilities.

Do you really think everyone in the world had the same potential and capabilities and the only thing keeping us all from being the same is our own free will?

amother

↑ Sand ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 11:51 am

amother Winterberry wrote:

If it was a matter of being able to clothe, feed or house them you probably would have worked

People find solutions to their problems partially based on what they prioritize. A mother who prioritizes keeping her infants home above all else will find a different solution than a mother who doesn’t.

amother

↑ Cobalt ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 11:54 am

I work in childcare. Whatever energy I have left at the end of the day goes to my own children.
Please tell me someone sitting at a desk all day isn't lecturing people on how much energy they should have.
Besides, if my toddlers saw me for barely an hour a day I wouldn't be seeing that as functional or ideal.

amother

↑ Sand ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 12:02 pm

amother Impatiens wrote:

I'm not smug or self-righteous and feel bad if that's the way my posts are coming across. I truly believe that more people have the strength in them and can do more than they allow themselves to do. Yes, it may mean adjusting our own expectations and, perhaps, society's expectations of us.

We live in a world where working hard is looked down upon. I'm here to say that those mothers who work full time should not be looked down upon!

The next time someone tells you “I would never be able to do that”, reframe. Instead of interpreting that as “I would never be able to work 9-5”, interpret it is “I would never sacrifice the things you have chosen to sacrifice in exchange for a full-time salary”.

Because believe it or not, plenty of women have been in the same situation you are in that compels you to work full time, whatever that situation is, and have chosen a different path than you that does not include working full time.

And it doesn’t mean they’re weaker (tho of course some people truly are more capable than others). Sometimes it just means they made different choices.

You’re incorrectly assuming that the act of working full time automatically requires the most strength, more than other choices someone could make in that position.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 12:11 pm

amother Sand wrote:

1. Because I am dealing with almost everything you listed. Just to start: Special needs kids- plural, family members with health needs. My life isn't fun, easy or perfect. I could go on but don't want to out myself. But yes mental health issues in the family, emotional/verbal abuse too. I could go on.
2. You do it if you have to. I am exhausted. I prioritize my kids over me. There is a lot to do with mindset and willpower and the fact that there is no other choice or you will be the proud owner of the tent in the park. So many people assume they can't. Or they had one bad experience but switching jobs, changing hours etc can make the difference.

Some women never bother to try. Or can't get over the "I need perfectly updated and cleaned homes daily" which is totally a want, not a need. I don't live a fancy life.
Mindset matters. Read up on Carole dwek and growth mindset.
You can increase your capabilities and get "more energy" to do it all

↑ Trademark ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 12:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

Stop being so judgmental.

And just because you're a martyr doesn't mean that everyone has to be.

And you were already told multiple times that maybe not everyone has the same capacity.

And some people prioritize being home with their children as being most important.

amother

↑ Sand ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 12:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

You prioritize paying your mortgage, other people prioritize other things. They make different choices. Perhaps they move in with family. Perhaps they sell their house and rent an apartment. Perhaps they stop having children. Perhaps they get divorced. Perhaps they open a babysitting group that allows them to work from home and keep their baby home. Perhaps they work part time and take tzedaka.

I agree with you that many people who say they “could never” work full time would actually somehow manage to if that was literally their only option for survival. But people speak in figures of speech. And other people assume that working full time is their only option when sometimes there are in fact others.

You’re assuming that anyone in your position would work full time if only they mustered up the willpower.

amother

Oldlace

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 12:36 pm

People say "I don't know how you do it" not as a judgement but because they can't imagine having your kochos.
I have certain circumstances that people make these comments to me about. I used to get very annoyed, as if I chose to have to deal with this.
Then I realized this is a manner of speaking. If they had to manage my peckel they would, just as I cannot imagine managing other people's peckel.