Spinoff tuition thre... I am not some magical mythical being

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 3:19 am

I am not a magical mythical being.
I am human.
Yes it is possible to work full time as a mom, take care of kids, take care of our apartment, manage appointments, and do laundry.
I am tired of people telling me "good for you but I could never do that..." or "there is no way I could do without... (something not necessary but therefore can't work)". Or "you are superhuman".
No I am not. I am struggling and I don't have an option.

So I don't socialize. I don't do fun activities, go to evening events, or exercise formally. I use my evenings to cook, do laundry, homework, sweep etc.
I teach my kids to help.
My apartment isn't fancy. Isn't decorated. Isn't neatly organized.

But I do it because tuition has to be paid and my kids have to eat and I have to pay rent.

If it is important to you, you do it. (I am not talking about true medical issues that prevent working. But normal stressed moms who dont work).
I don't want to be evicted. I don't want my kids to not have food.
So many women don't realize their strength and that they can do more than they expect. That they can work.

amother

Impatiens ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:04 am

I hear you! I also laugh when people tell me that I'm amazing for working full time. I'm not amazing, I am just doing what I need to do. Of course if I had the choice I wouldn't hesitate to cut my work hours. Of course I'm exhausted and feel like I'm on a hamster wheel. Of course I try to be a 100% present mom when I'm home because I leave my kids with morahs all day. Of course life is busy, hectic, and overwhelming. Despite all that I try to keep a smile on my face and know that I am doing what I need to do to keep my family clothed, fed, and in school. I don't believe G-d created us to sip Lattes all day....

amother

↑ Impatiens ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:18 am

amother Trillium wrote:

Just because you can do it does not mean every other woman can.

I'm not saying that I CAN do it. I'm saying that I HAVE to do it so I do. Yes, I lower my expectations. No, I don't shop around in 5+ stores for the perfect matching outfits for my kids. Yes, I order my weekly groceries. My house is not perfectly cleaned or organized. Yes, I am exhausted a lot of the time. But I push myself to do it because we need the money to afford our very basic, simple, non-extravagant Frum lifestyle.

amother

Chicory ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:25 am

For those who say "just because you do, not all women could".
Are you equally understanding of the men in your life.
If your husband told you that working more than 20 hours a week is bad for your mental health, would you give him the same grace.

I work 30 hours a week. Im surrounded by people who marvel "I can never do that".
Yet they demand that their husband work 50 hours a week, change their entire personality, become a person they're not. They're very quick to accept not working, short cuts like paper goods, fish sticks, cleaning help for themselves. But they don't extend the grace leeway and understanding to him.

I work as much as I can. I do the shortcuts I need. I also accept my husband's warts and all, even if he's not a hustler. Hes steady and reliable and works hard and isn't aggressive so he's not high earning.

amother

Wheat

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:27 am

I feel like this about the cleaning threads... I can't imagine hours and hours of cleaning help being a necessary expense. We could probably afford a service every other week but I'd rather spend that on not cooking some nights.

I work full time with no help and my house just isn't perfect, and it's fine. I work full time, I do laundry and clean bathrooms on the weekend, I clean the kitchen every night, and the rest happens when it happens. I do it because I have to.

amother

Brown

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:28 am

amother Blueberry wrote:

For those of you who say you work full time, dose that mean 8hrs a day?

Yes, 9-5. No cleaning help.

Is my apartment clean all the time? Nope. Am I happy? Also no. But we are fed and our bills are paid.

My husband does say he really wants to reach a point where I can stop working because he’s seen with his friends that their wives are miserable and stressed out all the time when they work, and if their husbands earn enough to let them quit, they become happy and fun again, and their marriage really improves.

There can be a huge downside to a mom working full time in terms of the family’s emotional health and that cannot and should not be ignored.

amother

Cobalt ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:29 am

I get upset when people say this. People have different energy levels, diff types of work takes up more/less energy. Not everyone is created the same. We aren't carbon copy robots of each other. Nor do we have the same amount of kids, same types of kids, same funds and resources.
Nor will you, very possibly in five or ten years.
So just stop.
No even things I HAVE to do I cannot do. I used to be able to juggle ten balls. Those balls have now changed in size, shape, and weight. Now I can juggle two. The rest drop.
Get it now?

amother

Pear

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:37 am

I would like to know your family size and age of children. I think it makes a huge difference.
When I had 3 kids ages under 6 living an apartment is very different to 5 kids, ages 3 - 18, living in a house.
Everyone's level of functioning is different. Yes, I have cleaning help because I cannot manage without it. Tell me I'm crazy. Maybe. But if I don't have it then I don't have the strength or time to be available for my kids.
And to the poster who asked about men, men aren't any different. That's why there are all different professions for them with different requirements. You'll have a man that will hire a plumber instead of fixing something on his own. Or one that has a gardener instead of mowing the lawn. Not really all that different.
So to all the posters that say they do it all, I don't believe you really do. You're either way a stage of life where you can or you're dropping the ball somewhere and just aren't realizing yet.

amother

↑ Impatiens ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:51 am

amother Pear wrote:

I have 6 kids ages 2-18. Work 35 hours a week + a 30-45 minute commute each way. I have a few hours of cleaning help a week (usually 5 hours split over 2 days). I take some shortcuts like ordering my groceries. My house is functional BH but not perfectly clean, neat/organized. Maybe I'm dropping a ball but if I am I'm not sure which one it is.

I will say IT'S NOT EASY. The point of this post is to show that it is possible, even if it's not easy. It's easier to say "maybe other people can do it but I can't". I am not judging anyone I just want people to open their eyes and realize that it is possible even if it's hard.

amother

Heather ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:56 am

amother Impatiens wrote:

Some people don't want to do hard things.

amother

DarkKhaki

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:59 am

Not everyone is the same, and not every situation is the same

I used to work full time from home, have my toddlers home (so basically two full time jobs), no cleaning help, did all the cooking, chores, errands and yes still kept an organized house because I can’t function otherwise. I have no idea how I managed it but I did and it worked

But now I have a baby and kids in school who need me to carpool them, I don’t have time to work full time. I don’t have time to work much at all actually, so I don’t. It’s not possible right now. That’s okay

amother

Daffodil

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 11:11 am

amother OP wrote:

We are all capable of amazing things when pushed to our limits or feel there is no other way.

Those who are saying they couldn't do it, for the most part, just haven't been in the situation where it was necessary.

No different than all the women who look strangely at me when I tell them I've made Pesach in my home since year one, even hosting huge sedars. Women who might be in their late 30's or 40's even and tell me they still have never made Pesach. Yeah, well when you're BT and have no family to go home to for YT, this is what you do. Almost anyone could do it; but why would they until it becomes a need. And until they have experienced it, it will seem a distant and impossible goal.

amother

Moccasin

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 11:29 am

I used to work and I used to have the same mindset. And then I realized that I'm not in charge! I do not have control over my finances. I thought that If I worked hard enough, and if I accepted more accounts (I was a business owner) then everything would work out fine and I'd be able to cover my rent and expenses and bills and still be a mother to my kids.

One fine day, I realized all I needed was a bank account and basic histadlut. My husband has a well paying job that On paper Covers most of our basic bills. And that is my histadlut.

I closed down my business and stayed home with my kids and had more kids. I learn for 30 minutes a day different seforim on bitqchon And I pray.

Hashem Has not forsaken me yet. We cover our bills monthly. We do not splurge on extras, we do not buy new clothing every season, we do not even buy dessert or chocolate We live simply within our means

If Hashem Wants to make that happen for me He will.

I am not here to preach. I am not better than you I am offering a different perspective

I respect everyone and their choices, but I am giving you my honest and lived experience