Kollel/working men rant

amother

Coffee

Yesterday at 9:22 pm

amother Clear wrote:

Just from the other side (this is not in response to OP, it's in response to some other posters):

BH BH my husband is in kollel right now. He understands that it is his responsibility to support me and our chikdren and if and when the need arises, he will go to work, no questions asked.
But right now there is no need. He is the youngest in his family, and all of his siblings are self supported (by choice-- because the kollel lifestyle was not something that any of them wanted to choose, which is great that they did what was right for them)
Baruch Hashem my in laws are very very well off. I work 6 hours a day and have flexibility to take care of our kids, but I consider us to be "supported" by my in laws-- I cover the rent with my salary and they cover everything else.
If you were to see us, you might think we look like an "entitled" kollel family. We don't wear hand me downs, though I shop only sales and aliexpress. We go out to eat occasionally. Our stroller is considered "nice".
But before you judge, realize that you just see the externals-- what you don't see is my incredibly generous and proud in laws in the background.
When my father in law saw how little we were spending during our first year married, my father in law called my husband aside and asked him to please "treat me" more. He told him to eat out a bit more often and to tell me that I should feel comfortable buying new clothes if I needed.
And then he started transferring crazy ammounts of money to our bank account each month so that we should feel like we can live "comfortably" (to me its cushy, but different standards.
I DEFINITELY don't spend lots every month, but from the outside it's clear that we are not penny pinching at all, and some might say it seems like we are entitled bc my husband is learning but we're not poor.
My father in law just called us to let us know that in the next calendar year (2025) he wants to buy us an apartment. I am so incredibly grateful and realize that this is a luxury and huge gift, and not at all a given. But I also worry. I worry what our friends will think, as noone in our stage of life owns their apartment in my community. I worry about the message that it will give my kids, since knowing my father in law, the apartment that he buys will be nothing short of gorgeous. I worry about upping the standards in my community. But the gift will be given on his terms, which means he'll need to approve the apartment and it will have to be very nice.
Yet I don't want people to look at us and say that we are not a "real" kollel couple.
My husband learns long hours and is incredibly serious about his learning.
Is being a "real" kollel couple defined as being poor?! Can we not be well off and still be serious about being a kollel family?! Asking seriously because all the judgement seriously bothers me-- we are so fortunate to be receiving support that is given so willingly. Should we turn it down because we "have to" be "poor" to be "real kollel"?
Everyone please just mind your own business and stop judging everyone else who you see.

I can relate to this. My in laws are well off and buy all of their children houses. I am incredibly grateful, it is after all incredibly beyond generous. However, I grew up with a kollel father and a SAHM & constantly resented how reliant my parents were for my pretty dysfunctional grandparent's support. I vowed to marry a working boy and work hard myself to be independent. My dh surprised me and is Kollel for a lot longer than either of us anticipated. I am very grateful for everything, and bh I have a good job that pays the bills well and with the house we really don't have to worry financially. Still a part of me wishes things were different. But at the end of the day I can't force my husband not to accept a gift from his parents or leave Kollel if there is no need.