Being the breadwinner unwillingly

amother

Phlox

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 8:46 pm

I work for the same reason!!!

I think there's many more in similar boat to you (with different details and background stories)

Are u seeing a therapist? There's so much pain and resentment in your words... Worth working through that and eventually hopefully reaching a place of peace and acceptance.

The same qualities that seemed attractive in my husband is what makes him unambitious underearner.

Stop blaming yourself for not listening to your father. Every spouse has 10 faults. Marrying a successful businessman would come with a different set of 10 faults.

For me rock bottom was a burn out of being tired of so many years of deprivation and nothing to show for it
And the more money I saved and the less I needed the less dh was providing. I reached out to a smart therapist that listened with her heart and together we came up with the conclusion that I'm best off working for my own spending money while dh flounders to pay the family bills.

I have some govt programs and I kill myself to work enough to be able to have some cleaning help some take out and afford a nice pair of shoes or some extras for the kids.

I'm selfish with my money and assertively don't share it with him. I explained to him that I need this for my sanity.

That all being said do stay open-minded that some men grow up when they hit 40s and realize the results of their lazy choices and things turn around financially for all..

Late but not least we need to work on our bitachon and understand this is all part of Hashems master plan for us...He never makes mistakes

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 6:19 am

amother NeonPurple wrote:

sounds so so difficult and painful!!
just wanted to mention that this does sound like your particular husband's personality/issues/ADHD
don't want to rub salt in but many many yeshiva boys go on to make good money....and many people who did not go to yeshiva struggle...so I don't see the correlation there...

Compounded with my husbands personality/issues/ADHD, a system in which a man learns until his late 20's and only after a few years of marriage does he begin to look for a job/start a degree/a business/have family connections isnt too helpful either.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 6:21 am

Phlox yes I see a therapist. I found a great therapist through a graduate program and pay $50 a session. Its a priority for me. How long are you married? How do you not feel restenful at paying for everything? I want to buy my daughter a few outfits for school and I can't even shop kidichic sale. I literally don't know anyone in my boat. A kollel wife has the zechus of her husband learning. My husband just doesnt have mazal or bracha even though he works

amother

Opal

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 8:02 am

I know it's so hard but parnassa is from Hashem.
When I was dating I never wanted a learning boy because I wanted my husband to be the breadwinner.
Well I married someone working and guess what he was never a breadwinner. We were supported by my family for years because he was always out of a job. He isn't a hustler is very lazy and hates working hard.
The few learning boys I went out with have great jobs now and living better than I am.

amother

Impatiens

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 8:58 am

amother Daffodil wrote:

I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’ve been in a similar position myself. My advice is to learn emuna till it’s in your bones and know that parnassa has nothing to do with your husband and everything to do with Hashem. Talk to Him and tell Him what you need and I hope your tefillos are answered very soon.

I literally just started a different thread on this. Emunah is so amazing and wonderful, it doesn’t always magically make a person have a yeshiva

amother

Khaki ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 9:22 am

Op stop blaming the system its not helping and its not true.

My husband has major trauma from childhood.
He now doesn't really work, last month worked a total of six hours. I used to blame my in laws for his inability to work. I realized its not helping me and I stop being in victim mode, accepting the situation and try to help my husband be capable of working more.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 9:23 am

amother Khaki wrote:

I don't think I blamed "the system" solely
I said coupled with my husband's personality and the system in general we are not in a great spot at all.
How did you try to help your husband work more?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 9:27 am

We are all on medicaid BH, but I want to get life insurance because I had a friend who unfortunately passed away leaving behind a young husband and kids. And I don't even have extra money to pay life insurance. I havent given maaser in close to 3 years either (as per ravs decision, I try to give tzedaka when I can).

amother

↑ Khaki

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 9:43 am

amother OP wrote:

I don't think I blamed "the system" solely
I said coupled with my husband's personality and the system in general we are not in a great spot at all.
How did you try to help your husband work more?

Figured out what was preventing him from working and taking away those barriers . Still working on it

meyerlemon44

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 11:53 am

amother OP wrote:

Meds won't help. He tried for a time. He didn't make him a hustler overnight or make money. And I don't have money to send him to another psychiatrist now to get medicine. He has a rav he speaks to, I have no shaychis to him. My husband is from OOT so we are in a community where he doesn't know anyone. He became close ish with this rav recently. What kind of things can tzedaka organizations give? I need cash for groceries or a cleaning lady which is $40 a week. or money for therapy. I used to volunteer for tomchei shabbos and I don't really eat much of the food they give so I wouldn't want to take if someone else could benefit

I know you said you don't have a relationship with his rav, but I think this is a good time to make one and tell him your concerns. Your husband is not fulfilling his obligations to you that he swore to in the ketubah.

In the short term, I think you should look in to what assistance you can get, if any.

In the long term, I would suggest thinking about how you can make more money in the future. When your youngest child is in school, can you retrain and get a higher paying job?

You should not have to carry him forever like he's a child. You don't need an extra large child on top of the other ones you're already taking care of.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 12:13 pm

meyerlemon44 wrote:

I dont qualify for much, I wish I could get food stamps. I just put gas in my car and have $55 and have to make that last for groceries for this week. No idea how I am paying the babysitter on Thursday. My kids are young (babies and toddlers) I am in my 20's now. I have awhile until they are in school with longer hours. I can not retrain, I have a masters degree and my student loans were very high

amother

Oak

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 12:30 pm

I'm going to echo what other people are saying and say don't blame the system. It's the system's fault that you didn't know this about your husband before you got married. But the system does not routinely produce men who work long hours earning less than 10K a year. I'm assuming you live in America. The minimum wage is well above that.

I'm not saying this to make you mad at your husband or create more friction. But solutions are going to come from recognizing what the problem is. The problem isn't his education or lack thereof. The problem is why he doesn't have a job earning minimum wage or above.

The system sets men up to earn minimum wage or above. Now an extra $30,000 may still leave you the primary breadwinner but it's far better than what you have now.

Also want to add that if you have Medicaid you can see a therapist in the clinic for free. So can he. And you don't need a top psychiatrist to prescribe Ritalin, the ones at the clinic are also good enough. Keep that in mind.

amother

Rainbow ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 2:24 pm

Sounds like you are blaming the system instead of your husband

The reality is that while the system has major issues with financial solvency - its more to due with high cost of living then men making 10k. You need 250k to make in as a typical frum family living in the Tristate area, and that often means a man who is a the primary breadwinner making 100k and the women making 50k working part time are not making it. The guys still in BMG are bringing home more the 10k just from the kollel check

Most yeshvish men have a plan - learn for x amount of years, and then do xyz. It sounds like your husband did not have that, and that there are other issues such as adhd and lack of realism on his personality ( if he is not a hustler, why is he running a business?)at play.
Honestly, he'd make more driving uber or a car service or at a minimum wage job

If you want to get out of the rut - you need to help him find something that he will be successful at.
But before that happens, go to a clinic and get him prescribed Ritalin/Adderall/whatever he needs
After that, go to a career coach ( there are free ones at PCOS) and figure out a realistic career path.

What is he good at?
What qualities does he have that can be turned into a skill?
Think also about manual labor - things that are a short course and then working for someone that often make really good money - like an electrician, plumber, handyman....

naturalmom5

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 2:54 pm

This really triggers me
I could speak for hours on it

I have a hip replacement and other health issues and have to work in a store 10 hours
for min wages

Meanwhile EVERYONE says my husband is a super computer genius.He has tons of skills
He went to a top PS and won a scholarship to go to an ivy league college but passed on it to go to yeshiva
He went to several colleges in NJ won huge accreditations but never graduated
All he does is make believe hes learning or says hes not capable of doing anything
Im so sick of guys coming to my register to tell me what a huge T Chochom my husband is while im working like a dog

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 5:02 pm

amother Rainbow wrote:

You're not saying anything I don't already know. I don't know why my husband has his own business. He is doing manual labor. He really should be working for someone and even if he gets paid $15 an hour its better than what he does now. He has driven uber before. It doesn't make much but he does that, does shemira for chevra Kadisha for pay etc. What kind of clinic will prescribe that to him? We don't live in Lakewood.

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 5:03 pm

amother Oak wrote:

I agree with everything you're saying. I know the problems. It doesn't help me much, doesn't change my marriage, doesn't change my spouse, it just makes me more aware of his shortcomings and what my life will be like for the rest of my life.