Being the breadwinner unwillingly

amother

OP ↓

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 9:43 pm

Can there be a support group for women whose husband's don't make money? Being a BT why didn't I listen to my parents when they told me to marry someone with a plan and money? What did I gain by marrying a yeshiva guy with no education, no plan, no rich parents. What went through my head as a young 20 year old? I wanted someone learning and didn't know what it even meant. My husband has $0 in his bank account, his CC is maxed out too. I am frustrated. It was my birthday recently and I wanted to go out to eat. We couldn't even afford to spend $20 to get sushi at a restaurant. My parents think my husband is a total loser. I am in therapy already, it helps me so much. I just wish he had more hustle and saw how hard I work. I have to meal plan for this week and figure out cheap dinner ideas since I can't food shop at the moment. I have to cancel my cleaning lady and add one more thing to my plate to do this week. I don't want to live like this. Maybe one day he'll have more drive and make money. He tells me "I try" but it is not good enough. Go back to school. Get a degree. Or a better paying job. His parents are poor and are not helpful at all. I sound callous but I am frustrated! A friend sent me a gift card on amazon so I am going to buy chanukah gifts for my kids with that and some wipes for my baby. I am so stressed with paying back CC debt and bills and debt. It's never ending and I am always playing "catch up." We will never be able to afford to buy. And the landlord of our apartment hates my husband because my husband just is not street smart. I told my husband to leave the apartment things to me and speak to the landlord because of how my husband is. Something broke and we have been asking him to fix it a few times. My husband sent a rude text that if its not fixed he will deduct it from rent. I read the message and it just makes me think my husband is an idiot. I wanted to yell at him to shut his mouth, we can't risk getting kicked out of this apartment. I think he has ADHD but that doesn't help the situation now.

amother

Snowdrop

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 9:52 pm

So sorry. That was painful to read.
If he's ADHD I strongly suggest meds. That will help with a lot of issues.

You need a mentor/rav for guidance. "Asei lecha rav" is something that should be drilled into the boys head before marriage!!!
Reach out to tzedaka organization before you collapse.

Try to think of 2 nice things about your husband each night before you go to sleep so you can appreciate his qualities.

amother

Outerspace

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 10:08 pm

Would love a support group!!
We both have degrees and graduate degrees too. But due to his struggles and laziness I have been the breadwinner for much of our marriage. It's not like I make that much but he can't keep a job for too long.
And when he does job search he is so picky. It has to meet so many criteria. I'm like- "I kept a job I hated and was verbally abused at for our kids to be able to eat. You won't take a job because the commute is 10 minutes longer than you would like? Or you don't like the company?"

Ugh. And now he has a part time job so won't look for one better. And we don't get benefits. And we lose Medicaid.... Banging head

amother

Mintcream ↓

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 10:13 pm

Parnassa can come to anyone, smart and stupid. HaShem has control and can bring it to your husband. Your husband may also feel demasculinated which could decrease his motivation.

I’m sure you’ve heard of the book empowered wife. I know it’s controversial…. But for boss girlies like you and me, we need to keep ourselves in check. This book changed my entire marriage, I used to be the breadwinner and I am not anymore

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 10:26 pm

amother Snowdrop wrote:

Meds won't help. He tried for a time. He didn't make him a hustler overnight or make money. And I don't have money to send him to another psychiatrist now to get medicine. He has a rav he speaks to, I have no shaychis to him. My husband is from OOT so we are in a community where he doesn't know anyone. He became close ish with this rav recently. What kind of things can tzedaka organizations give? I need cash for groceries or a cleaning lady which is $40 a week. or money for therapy. I used to volunteer for tomchei shabbos and I don't really eat much of the food they give so I wouldn't want to take if someone else could benefit

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 10:27 pm

amother Salmon wrote:

I feel your pain and it's not easy. However, parnossa doesn't have to do with learning.
However, I'm an ffb, very strongly wanted a learner. I got one bh, doesn't earn much but is a gem.
I have a friend who married non learner, and she is the unwilling breadwinner. He brings no money in, does not have a job and doesn't learn a thing to boot.

I do have qualms with the system in general that enables men to follow a trajectory with no marketable skills when necessary (I guess this is the BT in me coming out, because I grew up with the men around me being hustlers and making money). My husband hasn't been in yeshiva for 5 years and it hasn't been smooth since he left

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 10:30 pm

amother Mintcream wrote:

That approach did not work for my marriage. Tried it. It made me cry into my pillow every night when rent was late, I didn't get grocery money or money for the babysitter. I couldn't do it. Let him feel demasculinized its fine. He's in his 30s already. How did you not become the breadwinner? I take care of rent, my husband usually (on a good month) takes care of tuition, groceries, food. But now he literally has $0. I don't get paid for 3 weeks and I need food for groceries tomorrow, babysitter is paid end of the week etc. I have to brainstorm dinner ideas. Maybe someone can help plan a cheap menu?

amother

Pumpkin ↓

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 10:31 pm

Hi, here with you. I also wonder what the hell I was thinking marrying a man without an income. He’s a really nice guy but having to work full time just to pay basic bills with a small family is so awful.

Seeing others buy houses while I’m stuck renting a small apartment sucks. Having kids when you can barely afford them is so hard. Not having kids because you can barely afford them is so hard.

Not having enough money makes everything so much harder. And it being your husband’s fault makes having a happy, peaceful, respectful marriage near impossible.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 10:33 pm

amother Pumpkin wrote:

Would you be interested in a support group? I would love to connect even via PM or email.
Maybe if enough women are interested Yael could let us start a group.

amother

↑ Mintcream ↓

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 10:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

I am also a BT and very much had an issue with the idea of learning guys. For me, it’s great to learn up until 22 if they want, but then they need to have some path forward to earn for the home. An overworked wife is an unhappy wife, and I did not want that for myself. I don’t think it’s fair to have those expectations of me as a wife

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 10:43 pm

amother Mintcream wrote:

Well yes, but I realized this too late. I became frum as a young girl, went to a regular sem and just wanted to be like everyone else. But I understand why some people don't want to do shidduchim with BTs. We can't run from our past. In my case, I can't run from the way in which I brought up that the men work, and the women aren't the main breadwinners

amother

↑ Mintcream ↓

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 10:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

Here’s how I unbreadwinnered myself. Every situation is different I am just sharing my story. My dh is incredibly smart and has skill in software, he doesn’t have a degree or anything he is self taught and didn’t even finish high school lol. He was working with not so upright people, they weren’t bad they were just bottom of the barrel, not so clean cut, definitely not high society, he was making like $40k a year doing random stuff. I encouraged him to associate himself with people in higher society, encouraged him to cut those people out. He did and opportunities came flooding in. I praised him, gave him so much validation, was his soundboard, shared ideas for bigger future, complimented him until I was blue in the face. He completely blossomed and turned into a different man. He used to go on angry car rides alone from how upset he was that I was the breadwinner, he hated talking about money and wanted nothing to do with bills. I davened my heart out and cried secretly on a weekly basis Now he makes twice as much as me..

amother

↑ Pumpkin

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 10:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

In all communities, men are the breadwinners. It’s exclusive to the litvish community that they encourage kollel so heavily, and even there most people just learn for a few years and then the men get a good career off the ground.

My husband and I are not litvish. Didn’t help me at all. Some men have failure to launch and just can’t get their act together.

I might be open to a support group but I’d be nervous about it making me unproductively angry at my husband all the time. I like being able to just put his issues out of my mind so we can have a happy marriage.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 10:50 pm

I then feel terrible writing this about my husband. Because my husband is a wonderful father and helps me so much around the house when I ask. And things go be so much worse. I have a friend whose husband doesn't work, abuses her verbally and pushes her around too. And I married a nice guy. But, the no finances and no hustle, makes me so stressed most of the time and makes it hard for me to respect him. I do bedtime most nights because my husband is not home. I am alone with my kids and eat dinner most nights alone. He works long hours, but does not make enough and whatever he makes goes towards his "part" of our household contribution- tuition for the week, groceries, gas etc. He does not make enough to touch his CC debt. Last year after all his business expenses he made under 10k. Yes you read that right.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 10:51 pm

amother Pumpkin wrote:

Oh that's true, I would not want a support group that would just make me unproductively angry. I guess maybe the group could be part venting, part advice? How do you have a happy marriage? How many years are you married?

amother

Burntblack

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 11:25 pm

I feel you. I'm the sole breadwinner as well. I'm chasidish and in my circles most men are the breadwinners, whether they have an education or not.
Married 20 plus years. My husband worked for a bit but then that business moved to another state. He didn't earn much in any case. It's been 5 years and he hasn't worked since then. He loves to learn though.
I feel resentful that the burden is on me. I run my own business with many employees and it's very stressful to say the least.
I begged my husband to take over the business or at least put himself more into it. He's just not cut out to be a hustler. If you give him something to do he'll follow through, but he's not the leader, take charge type..
BH we cover our bills and then some. I can't complain. My husband is a nice person with a good heart. He's a great hands on father and he helps a lot around the house. But I'm still resentful of carrying the financial burden when I feel like it's not really my job.
I mentioned to my husband that in the kesuba it says that he is supposed to provide for me and the family, not the opposite. So he jokingly answered "I was young and stupid. I had no clue what I was signing."
I pray every day that our roles change somehow. I'm still waiting!
Hatzlacha, and I'm davening for you!

amother

NeonPurple

Sat, Dec 14 2024, 11:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

sounds so so difficult and painful!!
just wanted to mention that this does sound like your particular husband's personality/issues/ADHD
don't want to rub salt in but many many yeshiva boys go on to make good money....and many people who did not go to yeshiva struggle...so I don't see the correlation there...