Curious to hear your thoughts

Simple1

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 7:11 am

It’s very very hard and normal to have those feelings. I still think fertility is a more sensitive issue because it’s more personal and also involves medical issues. And wanting a child is a strong innate desire from the beginning of time. I think people who share any type of good in their lives should be sensitive and humble about it. Smug people tend to provoke more hurt and jealousy. Can you consult with a financial professional to see how you can save for a house?

In regards to your friend I would say the congratulations even if you don’t feel it just because it’s the right thing to do and also you never know what difficulty is in someone else’s life. Things can change and you could be the one celebrating.

Last edited by Simple1 on Sun, Dec 15 2024, 7:16 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Peach

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 7:15 am

We own a house BH. I don’t flaunt it to people, but it’s not possible to hide either. I also don’t flaunt my children to people, but don’t hide them from infertile people.
We all have our struggles in life, some are just more obvious to the public.

I feel fortunate in some areas, but work hard to not feel jealous of people in other areas that you’d never realize I’m struggling with.

Hashem should give us all what is best for us, and we should see the good in all of it.

amother

Hawthorn

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 8:19 am

If anyone can relate to your predicament it would be me. I probably win the award of largest frum family in smallest space. Yet I beg to differ with your outlook and opinion. I live in a world and want to be a part of it. I do not want everyone to tip toe around me just because I dont own a multi million dollar home or a million dollar condo. This is a world of commerce. Purchasing and selling.I am a part of it even if I can not purchase a home. My children go to neighbors and they come to us. Please find happiness for your friend Purchasing a home and find happiness for yourself .

Im not belittling the situation. Trust me I do understand.

synthy ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 9:30 am

Op, a few months ago I’d read your post and think you’re just a sad jealous woman . But recently, my coworker bought a house at the same time my landlord started dropping hints that we might need to leave before our lease is over. And suddenly, I was so madly jealous that I couldn’t bear myself. I had to wear earphones all day at work so I wouldn’t hear her happy banter about paint colors and tiles.

BH the feeling passed and I wholeheartedly fargin her now, but I get you.

amother

↑ Oxfordblue

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 9:39 am

synthy wrote:

Do you think if she would have just once mentioned that they BH managed to buy a house or bring in cakes to celebrate the next day you would have been happy for her but the fact that she is non stop talking about it that's p*ing you off?
I totally agree with anything big in life like that to only announce it and then not talking about it unless asked. -if you would compare it to infertility(personally don't like the comparison but that's what's been used up thread) if I tell my sister who is suffering from infertility that I'm pregnant it will hurt but she will also be happy for me but then I'm not going to start calling her up or posting on the WhatsApp group about each Dr appt and kick I feel. If I'm anyways talking to her and she's asking how the pregnancy is going I may mention the nausea is easing or glad my DD is coming up and move on to the next topic.

OP says her friend said it in passing that the bought a house not been talking about the new house purchase and renovations for the past months on a daily basis.

↑ synthy

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 10:06 am

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

I think it was her mindset that triggered me. She wasn’t like “omg BH we managed to buy a house!” It was so matter of fact like it’s the most normal thing for a 25 year old to do. And she mentioned a few times how she had money left over, and what upgrades she’ll use it for. Idk, it was pretty tone deaf.

amother

Gladiolus

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 10:35 am

I am currently not well off and I am happy that my friends don't care that I'm broke and tell me how they are buying houses, going on vacations, it genuinely makes me happy for them!

I would feel really bad if they stopped sharing their accomplishments because my financial situation is far from being able to afford a house or a vacation.

I think as a society we need to develop better coping skills to be able to deal with reality. Some people are richer, prettier, thinner and that's life. Everyone has something that someone else doesn't.

seeker

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 12:58 pm

I think in general it's uncouth to blab about spending. Whether it's houses, vacations, or other categories, I feel turned off by gossip, partly because it's unclassy and small-minded, and partly because I know it's going to make someone feel bad or feel compelled to follow when they maybe shouldn't - whether that's me or someone else.

That said, it still makes sense for these things to be shared in context or as news. If your neighbor bought a house on the other end of town, it makes sense for you to know they'll be moving on. Or if you ask your friend how's life and they're knee deep in renovation, that's a normal thing to share. I just don't like it as a general topic of conversation ("did you HEAR who bought a HOUSE? oh yes that neighborhood has gotten fancy, They and Them bought there last year and totally rebuilt the place, it's STUNNING. But not like Other There South, that's all new construction, Everyone and her sister are looking into buying there. You know Everyone's husband made it in crypto?" Yuck.)

zaq ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 1:05 pm

amother Forestgreen wrote:

We as a generation need to work more on the middah of tznius...
Tznius is so much more than hemlines......
Bhatzneya leches Im Hashem Elokecha!

Nevertheless, I don't believe that telling a friend that you're buying a house constitutes a violation of hatznea lechet. Bragging that the house cost you three million and a half dollars and was previously owned by such and such a celebrity, yes, but that's hardly comparable. The fact that OP is jealous and can't handle hearing about someone else's good fortune is her issue and something she perhaps needs to work on.

Can you consider someone a friend if she's only prepared to hear about your misfortunes and not willing to hear about your good fortune? Do we not also have a responsibility to accept in a mature manner, without sulking and feeling personally offended, the fact that some people have more than we have or ever will?

This is a lesson that should be learned in kindergarten. Some kids get Poison-Colored Sugar Crunchies for snack and some get carrot sticks, and the kids who learn to accept the carrot sticks with good grace are, in the end, happier as adults.

↑ zaq ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 1:06 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

. This.

↑ zaq

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 1:22 pm

amother Marigold wrote:

What did it say?

Op I agree mostly
I've experienced IF for many years and can't afford a house yet too
IF is more painful!
At the same time we should always be considerate and not flaunt our blessings

. I beg your pardon, telling your friend that you bought a house is not flaunting your blessings any more than telling her your dd is engaged. You really think we should limit conversations with our friends to discussions of the Parasha?

Suppose you had a childless friend who was clearly never going to have children. Naturally you're not going to go into great detail about your kids--but would you really hide the fact that you have them? Well, buying a house is like having a child: you don't need to go into raptures over it, but it makes no sense to try to hide the fact that you did it.

Suppose you were still childless and learned via the back door that your friend had a baby and never told you. Would you genuinely think "What a tzadekes, she didn't want me to feel bad and therefore didn't tell me" or would you think "what kind of friend is she and what kind of neb does she think I am, that I couldn't handle knowing that she had a baby?" Be honest.

amother

Navy

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 2:35 pm

As someone who is waiting waiting waiting to buy a house, too-

It can hurt or sting right when you're friend tells you she bought a house. That's a normal reaction.

But then it's up to you to work on yourself yo be happy for her, and trust Hashem that He has a plan for you.

amother

Saddlebrown

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 7:19 pm

we recently bought a house that happens to be beautiful and I still have many friends who buying is not even on the radar for them
I am a very simple person and was happy with basic but my dh had a few things that were important to him, and our house has some nice upgrades that I never asked for
I had a hard time telling my friends and didn't even say anything to some they just found out from others, but I'm not sure which is worse.. I also know that we are being judged on the price and ppl for sure think we bought out of our means..
as grateful as I am it's hard to process all the feelings , I don't want to be the cause of jealousy or negativity for others but also don't want them to feel excluded from my life
of course I invited everyone to come hang out and I hope it will only lead to positive vibes

amother

Eggplant

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 7:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

Curious to hear if people agree with me or think I’m being unreasonable.

I understand how you feel and why it's painful. I would never want to minimize or invalidate your pain.
But the thing is, we are all struggling with something. All of us.
Hearing about a new engagement can wound someone still looking for a shidduch.
Hearing about someone's job promotion can pain someone who was just laid off.
Hearing about someone's daughter making honor role while your daughter struggles to learn and brings home Cs and Ds can be awful.
For me, it's hearing thin people whine about the extra 5 pounds they can't shake. In front of me. When I'm clearly 100 pounds overweight. I want to gouge their eyes out sometimes.

We all have our struggles. We all have our triggers. But if it's all off limits, we'll have nothing left to say to each other. But of course if we are aware of someone's particular struggles then certainly we need to exercise sensitivity. But we can't just carpet ban all these topics. That's just unreasonable.

Tof Umachol

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 1:28 am

zaq wrote:

This is a lesson that should be learned in kindergarten. Some kids get Poison-Colored Sugar Crunchies for snack and some get carrot sticks, and the kids who learn to accept the carrot sticks with good grace are, in the end, happier as adults.

Probably will be healthier as adults, too. Wink

amother

Lawngreen

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 2:05 am

amother Oldlace wrote:

So it seems that one mustn't ever mention anything good going on one's life because someone else might be unable to handle hearing that you have something they don't. Therefore we can't tell anyone that we got a job, or engaged, or married, or had a baby who is now bar mitzvah or getting married. We can only talk about our tzuris--but no! Because if we mention that we're getting an operation, well, maybe our audience has no insurance and wouldn't be able to afford an operation! Can't mention that the wash machine needs repair because maybe our audience doesn't have a wash machine.

Seriously? Time to grow up, understand that on the surface at least, life isn't fair, the goodies aren't distributed evenly, and there will always be people who appear to have more than you. There will also always be people who have less. Time to learn to roll with the punches and fargin those who have more than you, and hope that the have-less crowd fargins you, too.

Signed, an ima who doesn't own a house and never will.

Agreed, a woman who is waiting for six years for her own children and is going tomorrow morning to a family bris (and the new baby's big brother is barely 18 months)