Curious to hear your thoughts

amother

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 8:40 am

I really wish people would treat buying a house as being triggering for people who can’t afford to buy a house to find out about, similar to the way people think about telling people struggling with infertility that they or someone they know is pregnant.

In this economy, affording a home is impossible for many, myself included. I live in a basement apartment and don’t know if we’ll ever be able to afford moving above ground, let alone into a house. The lack of sunlight is so soul crushing to me and people who rent basements are treated with less respect in my neighborhood. I feel like I won’t fully be part of society until I own a house. That’s beyond the obvious factors like not having enough space, wasting money on rent instead of being able to put it towards an asset I own, having to deal with a landlord who just loves to raise the rent as high and as soon as he can etc.

When I hear that people who I know bought a house, it knocks me down emotionally. I wish I was above feeling jealous but I’m not, and clearly I’m not alone because it seems there’s a thread every day at this point where people ask how they can stop being jealous and start having more bitachon when it comes to finances.

A friend told me in a phone call recently that she was buying a house. I felt punched in the gut. I had thought she was in my boat and couldn’t afford it either. It was so hard to react well in the moment. I couldn’t bring myself to congratulate her, I just asked her a few questions about the house and then changed the topic. I wish she had texted me the news so I didn’t have to try to fake being okay in a phone call with no prior warning.

On shabbos, someone casually mentioned that a person I know just bought a house. I couldn’t keep the pain out of my face and had to turn my head away to look at my baby for a few minutes. Did they really have to mention it? They clearly didn’t think about how much pain it would cause me.

Curious to hear if people agree with me or think I’m being unreasonable.

Elfrida

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 8:49 am

In our society, someone who is not pregnant within two to three years if marriage is assumed to have fertility issues.

There's no obvious indication that someone is having trouble buying a house. Speaking g as someone who has been renting long term, I save everything I can towards a mortgage, and live well below my means with rhat aim in in mind. I assume that others are doing the same, but don't really know about their income, expenses, or potential family help.

I know where I am on this path, but don't know about others. I'm also not emotionally invested in others people's housing arrangements. If they can buy a house, good luck to them. They've worked and saved, and they're allowed to share and celebrate their achievements.

Frumwithallergies

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 8:50 am

Dear OP,
Your feelings and emotions are yours. No one can tell you that you are being unreasonable.

That being said, we cannot control the actions of others. We can only control our feelings regarding the actions of others. Since only you can control how you feel when you hear that someone else is buying a house, I hope that soon you start to feel happiness at someone else's purchase. And I daven that you, too, be able to purchase a house.

Success10

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 8:56 am

I agree with you that it is a topic of sensitivity. But just like someone who’s expecting is generally not able to hide it and is better off just being up front with the people in her life, I think purchasing a home is similar. You don’t want people to avoid you or be awkward around you for fear of hurting you. You don’t want to find out from someone else. It’s best if the people in your life can be up front with you.

That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel what you’re feeling. Hashem can do anything. Don’t limit Him. IYH you’ll be on the buying end soon.

amother

Oldlace

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 9:17 am

So it seems that one mustn't ever mention anything good going on one's life because someone else might be unable to handle hearing that you have something they don't. Therefore we can't tell anyone that we got a job, or engaged, or married, or had a baby who is now bar mitzvah or getting married. We can only talk about our tzuris--but no! Because if we mention that we're getting an operation, well, maybe our audience has no insurance and wouldn't be able to afford an operation! Can't mention that the wash machine needs repair because maybe our audience doesn't have a wash machine.

Seriously? Time to grow up, understand that on the surface at least, life isn't fair, the goodies aren't distributed evenly, and there will always be people who appear to have more than you. There will also always be people who have less. Time to learn to roll with the punches and fargin those who have more than you, and hope that the have-less crowd fargins you, too.

Signed, an ima who doesn't own a house and never will.

ShishKabob

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 9:20 am

amother Babypink wrote:

Yes, it is difficult to be in a financially tight position for many reasons.

The people who are buying a house didn’t take your house away from you. Your space is orchestrated for you by Hashem.

Yeshuas Hashem Kheref eiyin! May Hashem grant you comfortable living space, speedily.

This thank you! No one in the world can take away a home that is meant for you and you can't get a home from someone else that is meant for them.
Bayis ploni lploni!
May Hashem send your salvation very quickly and may you go into rachvus in all the areas in your life that need it! Hugs

amother

Yolk

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 9:20 am

Love my little cozy apartment!
My husband is like you, though, OP. Dying to own a home. Not happening any time soon. Probably ever.

I don't mind hearing about other people buying houses. A little jealous, yes, but still genuinely happy for them. I am more jealous of other people in different areas of life. (Great personalities, shalom bayis, careers...)

Maybe you can do a small home project in your apartment to bring a little new "sunshine"?

amother

Forestgreen

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 9:42 am

amother Vanilla wrote:

I recently learned that empathy for someones GOOD is much harder than empathy for someones HARDSHIPS.

I personally don't talk about my house to people trying to buy or in situations where they must be wishing to have one. But I don't think we can avoid everyones triggers as a rule.

We as a generation need to work more on the middah of tznius. Not to display or talk about our good stuff so much, this causes ayin horo and it's a real thing.
Tznius is so much more than hemlines......
Bhatzneya leches Im Hashem Elokecha!

amother

Green

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 9:43 am

It is so painful, OP. I want to say that we had a miracle and were able to move into a house—truly it was a nes. But before that, I suffered from terrible jealousy. I couldn’t handle hearing about my friends buying houses and wouldn’t even go see them after they moved. That painful! Dh isn’t able/doesn’t make a living and I always have been the breadwinner. It was never going to happen without a nes. But it did. After many years and when I least expected it.

mummiedearest

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 9:53 am

Enough with the “triggers.” If this keeps up, we won’t even be able to discuss the weather.

Op, we all have something we’re jealous of in the next person. How about we just discuss normal life normally and own our emotions? You’re jealous of those who can buy houses. That’s ok, just realize that the jealousy is yours. It’s not on others to control that for you. Realize that friends not telling you about a move would be insulting too. There’s no winning. Hopefully you’ll be able to buy one too in the future. It is what it is. And consider working on your end of any friendship you have— it’s possible to be jealous of someone and happy for them simultaneously. Perhaps focus on the latter while keeping the former. Believe it or not, it will help you.

Again, we all have to deal with this in some form at some point. You’ll be ok.

amother

Oxfordblue ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 9:55 am

I'm finding it the opposite.
Someone I know moved into a home, I assumed they rented since they never told me otherwise.
I see they are doing renovations which means most likely it is their home.
I wish she would tell me, I'm not going to ask are you renting or did you buy.
If they bought it's most likely with their in-laws help but I'm so happy for them.

Why do we all need to live a life of secrets. Why can't we share good news and accomplishments with eachother?

amother

Aster

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 9:55 am

I think with infertility it’s very obvious if you have no kids and it’s been a while
With buying a house people assume you’re saving and soon you will buy. We have been trying for 3-4 years to buy every time we saved enough the prices jumped so we saved again and again still didn’t buy but feels like we’re getting closer.
I don’t think they’re trying to be insensitive they just don’t know where u hold in your journey towards buying a house people are less transparent when it comes to finances

imaima

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 10:01 am

amother Oldlace wrote:

Thank you.
I am triggered by the phrase „I thought she was struggling like me“.
Like, won‘t you fargin her a house? So you only want to be friends with those who struggle? Or you think she doesn’t deserve it?
It is hard to be friends with people from a different financial bracket, each side has to do the work and go out of one’s way to be there for the other. It doesn’t mean that one side should only vent and the other side should always hide all of their brochos.

Actually the most popular advice for people who want to move on in life is to hang out with people who are already on the level where you want to be. Instead of being jealous and sticking with the miserable crowd, it’s smarter to be around successful people with a different mindset

Last edited by imaima on Sun, Dec 15 2024, 1:48 pm; edited 1 time in total