It’s so hard- having Emunah

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 5:33 am

DH has always been a low earner. He makes about 50k now. (I work also, but part time, due to childcare). It just makes me so upset at Hashem sometimes. Why are all these people able to buy themselves nice things (I don’t mean over the top, just nice), do construction on their houses, get new cars, build extensions, go to FL for winter vacation, not have to weigh if they can visit family by if the money for the trip will go on cc, etc. and I’m stuck counting every penny at the grocery store. And I don’t mean the uber wealthy, these are the regular people in my city.
I have davened for so many years that DH should find something else that can support a family. Why is Hashem not helping us?
(And yes I know I can potentially work more and make more that’s not what this is about- by the time I’d pay aftercare childcare it’s not worth it). Between both of us working we don’t get Medicaid (we have a cheap marketplace plan), kids get Medicaid, we don’t get snap. So we are stuck in debt every month.
I’m not asking about budgeting advice or practical solutions.
I’m asking why I keep seeing people able to do these things and seem to have disposable income and it seems like Hashem forgot about us.
And yes I’m working very very hard on my Emunah, I try to strengthen it every day, and believe that Hashem knows best for me, and really talk to Hashem, and believe that what I need is exactly what I have, but I’m human and it feels so unfair sometimes.

I also get upset at DHs work that they won’t pay him more (he has asked for a raise), that they won’t pay when he works outside of work hours (they let him take off other times instead). I trying to work on myself also to know that the work is just shlichim from Hashem and everything they do is from Hashem. I’m really really work on this.
But why Hashem, why? Why can’t we just have money for the things we need? Why?

Also it seems so easy effortless and easy for these husbands to make parnassah. Why is it so hard for my DH? Why is depressed and can’t push himself farther? Why isn’t Hashem blessing the things he has tried to do? It’s so hard.
I desperately need a new Sheitel. Everyone around me is buying new Sheitels. Mine is 10 years old. I keep trying to save up ($10 a week, I had $400 once saved and then electric was about to be shutoff so I had to use that money).
It just seems so effortless for everyone else.
I’m just struggling.
Please not practical advice, I’m just venting and trying to deepen my Emunah.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 6:23 am

amother Silver wrote:

We struggle too but go into debt ☹
It's not easy in today's economy
I'm not sure where you live that most are doing so well
Is your husband looking for a better job?
Keep davening...

It’s not only about today’s economy, we always struggled he never made a lot. He’s not looking for various reasons (I don’t want to get into the practical side of things right now, he did try to start a business on the side, Hashem did not send Bracha with that)
.
I’m tired of it. So tired. Watched people able to buy houses, (finally we bought out of town with a ton of help B”H), everyone on my block has attached garage except me, I’m the only one who can’t afford. They can keep their cars free of snow in the winter I need to clean mine off every day (B”H I have a car that works!). I’m just so tired of all this.
Btw we also go into debt, we have tons and tons of debt, and we are frugal spenders. But root canals cost money, and car repairs etc, it adds up fast. My Sheitel is a dream lol.

amother

↑ Silver ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 6:25 am

amother OP wrote:

ouch
It's not easy
Maybe a brocho from a godol?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 6:30 am

amother Silver wrote:

There are definitely some around me who are doing well but I don't see it as the majority
Many complain about the high prices today
My sheitel macher used to offer me 2nd hand or last years style wig
Would yours?

Even if she would I don’t have the money for that. Literally trying to keep electric being turned off.

I can buy a china wig, the issue is not access to a good priced wig. Issue is that I don’t have the $700/800

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 7:17 am

I daven for a windfall so that we can pay off our debts and pay off our house and then things will be much easier (we have a very low mortgage btw according to most standards). I daven for DH to find something that fully supports the family and I can work just to supplement. I daven that at least mine and DHs income should be enough together to pay for our needs and buy some wants, I daven for a new Sheitel, new clothes, etc. sometimes I buy new clothes on the cc, I daven for a food budget each month (it’s always going on cc), most of all I daven to be able to give maaser, and Id love to be able to give Chomesh.
Ugh, I just wish it was easy for us…

amother

Lemonchiffon ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 7:46 am

I know you don't want practical but emunah isn't enough without hishtadlus. Your husband needs a higher paying job. It's that simple. Instead of davening for a windfall, daven that he finds something that pays more. Those who are spending easily may be truly more fortunate but they can also be working higher paying jobs. Also, you had help buying a house and have a car! Your kids are healthy, bh, and neither you nor your husband are ill. You have so much to be grateful for already! I would try to find 5 things each day to thank Hashem for. Food, continued health, nachas, the clothes that keep you warm and for having each other. That can help refocus your thoughts to a more positive place.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 7:49 am

amother Lemonchiffon wrote:

I literally said I am davening for something that pays more. I literally said I don’t want practical advice. I never said I don’t have what to be grateful for, I work a ton on my gratitude actually as part of my Emunah. A ton. But sometimes I get down, that’s all! I’m human, and sometimes, just sometimes, I want a new Sheitel or money to be easier

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 8:03 am

I know it’s meant to be for us. I know I’m not supposed to have that house extension or the master bathroom or the larger kitchen or the Sheitel. But sometimes just sometimes it gets me sad.
Also, I get mad that DHs work doesn’t see the value that he adds and despite being a frum organization with higher ups who are well respected and whatnot, they don’t see anything wrong with paying a man who has a family to support 50k. But I’m really really working on internalizing that no one can hurt me or harm me, it’s all from Hashem. I daven for these people too, even though it’s really hard for me

amother

↑ Lemonchiffon ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 8:04 am

amother OP wrote:

We all have wants. That's normal. You just sound pretty bitter and that's not normal. That usually indicates that something needs to give, like your husband needs to actively look for a higher paying job. Submit his resume everywhere, interview with any place (because you never know) and pound the pavement till something comes of it. Maybe ask your relatives for more help? They helped you buy a house. Maybe they can help in another way, like with your husband's job search. And you know, sometimes Hashem works in mysterious ways. Like you finally posted about your frustrations and some anonymous woman keeps giving you practical solutions when all you wanted to do was kvetch. Maybe there's something to what I'm saying? Food for thought.

Writergirl

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 8:06 am

amother Lemonchiffon wrote:

You might be right but not sure about time and place. Let OP vent.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 8:07 am

amother Lemonchiffon wrote:

Why would you do this??? Why??? I can go on for pages and pages and explain the practical side of things but I don’t have the energy for that now. I said no practical, I don’t know why you need to keep pushing your agenda that is NOT what I need right now.
Would you like me to open a new thread and explain why DH isn’t looking for a job (besides for the fact that he has depression), would you like me to explain why we don’t ask family?? This has been going on for years and we have put lots and lots and lots and lots of work and energy into the practical.
At some point I moved into Emunah and davening. Why is it so hard to just support without advice? You think I don’t know any of that already?

amother

DarkGray

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 8:12 am

I relate to what you're saying.
I have a friend who has so many "rich people problems". She doesn't mean to be insensitive but I always leave our conversations thinking wistfully about what it would be like to have cleaning help, newer clothing (nothing crazy - just from this decade), vacations, liesure time for myself, extracurricular activities for the family etc.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about this specific topic and how to strengthen my emuna in this area. I hope you get some good suggestions here.

From one sister who's just hanging on to another Hug

amother

Rose ↓

Sun, Dec 15 2024, 8:49 am

amother OP wrote:

Oy, this is so hard op. I've been involved in emunah threads lately and it's interesting and revealing.

Like you, I was raised and taught believing that hashem is our father who we talk to. If we need something we ask for it. If we really need something we ask for it more, aka daven more and with more kavana.

I've noticed that the people davening more aren't the ones that don't get sick, don't struggle with Parnassa, don't have marital problems, and don't avoid tragedies. This bothered me. Shouldn't the people who daven and serve hashem more have better outcomes?

I've seen this question posed several time on this site. The answer is always the same. Emunah doesn't mean that hashem will fix the problem. It doesn't mean hashem will make it better. It means that hashem is giving you this nisoyon and it's best for you for reasons we don't understand.

I know this isn't what you want to hear. In living emunah books the person in your situation continues to have emunah and then finds a bag of gold. But I'm not sure it really works that way.

Unfortunately this has given me a crisis of faith. Like the op I always thought that davening more, saying more twhilim, and having things in mimd more will lead to better results. But I've seen time and time again here that people say hashem doesn't work like that and emunah means accepting that what hashem is doing is best for you even if you can't understand it.