This is why I don't bring you...

amother

OP ↓

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 1:47 pm

So finances are tight, and my husband prefers to do the shopping, and he prefers to buy the bare minimum, but then our kids complain that they don't like the options, awhy can't they get "what all their friends have"--and I honestly dont' get it why we can't afford what they get. We both work full-time but we never seem to have money and then when he makes supper he wants to make a "one-option supper", then gets upset that "no one is eating it" and "I'm not making 2 suppers".

One of our few opportunities to "get out" just the two of us is to go shopping. Where I try to get a few things that the kids have been asking for--they mostly dont' want to ask my husband for things because they think he'll say "no". He's really not a "big bad wolf" and he DOES try to get snacks that they will eat--as long as they get eaten and not wasted. Problem is some of the snacks that they want are "more expensive" and therefore lets say we get a pack of 12, ka"h we have 6 kids who eat school snacks--that means 2 per child and they often want 1 the night we get it, and then 1 for school and then that's it.

I would try to buy 2-3 of these packs, but my husband will only buy 1. Thus when we went shopping the bill was probably 2-3x what he's used to when he goes by himself, and then he says "this is why I don't take you"...

How do I respond to that?

amother

Vermilion

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 1:50 pm

I may not love his approach

but I don’t disagree

I only always serve one dinner

my kids know if they eat the snacks at home they don’t have it for school.

money is finite.

that’s not a bad lesson to teach kids

if money is tight then cuts need to be made.

you seem to disagree by your use of quotes throughout

mha3484

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 1:59 pm

He may not be tactful but he is not wrong. I realized last year my oldest was pounding certain snacks so now I take him with me to shop. We have quality time and he learned that the bag of popcorn doesnt just randomly show up on the kitchen shelf. It costs something. I think its a good lesson for kids to understand that food costs money and we can have certain items in moderation. I only like a certain type of pasta sauce but its more expensive so I just serve that dinner less often. These are great life skills to learn.

amother

Ecru

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 1:59 pm

There is a middle ground here. They need boundaries and he can be less rigid. School snack is for school, they can’t eat it at home period. You can say they can have the expensive ones for Rosh Chodesh or set some other time for it to manage their expectations. Having a set schedule and situation will stop the power struggles. Same for having a supper rotation.

amother

Canary ↓

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 2:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

I agree with your husband about the snacks. Individual packaged snacks are very expensive. We don't really allow the kids to have them at home just because. It's for school. With this, I only buy the cheaper snacks. For a special shabbos or occasion, they can choose a more expensive snack.
I also agree regarding dinner. You shouldn't be making 2 dinners every day, that makes no sense.

amother

Pumpkin

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 2:37 pm

I buy a big bag of popcorn seeds and make fresh in the morning. It's healthy and they can have as many bags as they want. Their friends trade in their danishes and expensive snacks for a bag of fresh homemade popcorn. Go figure. I can't afford to buy snacks and my kids get the best of both worlds. I still think its crazy for kids to come with danishes each day to school with.

amother

Alyssum

Fri, Dec 13 2024, 4:57 pm

I agree with your husband. If you have no money, you need to spend it on things you NEED. Not want. Your kids want snacks for school. There are always cheap options and expensive options. Making food yourself is almost always cheaper. If you already buy snacks then 1 is definitely enough. Why should they snack at home already? Your job is to parent your kids... they sound spoiled and they know that you don't like to say no. You are in the wrong here. If you can afford it, absolutely no problem. But you can't. Prepackaged snacks are so unnecessary and the first thing I cut from shopping list when money is tight. Even my 3 year old understands when I say its to expensive we are buying sth else. It's parenting. And your husband is absolutely doing the right thing. So instead of ganging up on him, tell your kids they can't have those snacks. Just because others can afford it doesnt mean you can. Its a sense of entitlement and that's a terrible thing.
Same with the dinner.. 2 dinners?? Why on earth?? It is wasteful and unnecessary. Even now that we have money to afford several dinners I wouldn't make more than one. Its totally ridiculous

Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Yesterday at 11:25 am

amother Pumpkin wrote:

Mother Pumpkin you rock! Flower

amother

Ebony

Yesterday at 4:53 pm

I don't know. I grew up where we never got snack bags, treats were carefully rationed and we were only allowed a small amount. It wasn't a nice feeling and I grew up feeling deprived.
I choose to try and be more generous. We don't have much money to spare and I try and be careful, but I don't want my children to feel deprived. I don't buy the snack bags, I bake a lot. I let them choose something special for shabbos, they get something special for rosh chodesh. I take them out once every few months, each child on their own, something small like an ice coffee. And I hope that it makes them feel like they are getting everything they want.
I'm somewhere in the middle between op and her dh. I get the not wanting to make 2 suppers, but I try to know my kids preferences. I'm not going to make a one pot supper that I know might be easy for me, but no one will eat. And yes there are the nights where someone decides they don't like the supper, and that's where they can have cereal and milk.

Raizle ↓

Yesterday at 5:18 pm

Who makes 2 dinners??
I agree with what everyone wrote but that jumped out at me the most.

The only time I see that being reasonable is if you have a family member with intolerances or allergies and you davka want to make something for everyone else that they can't eat, then you need to make something else for them.
However, otherwise? Why?

↑ Raizle ↓

Yesterday at 5:29 pm

Actually I just reread OPs post and I'm wondering if she isn't explaining herself properly.

OP are you actually aware of your finances, know that they are tight but still question why because you both work?

Or

You both work full time, but your husband is on top of the finances, you aren't aware of what they are, he claims they are tight and your don't understand why because you expect the situation to be better.?

If it's the first option... Well I don't know what you earn but life is expensive with kids and if the money isn't there, it isn't there and I don't understand why you have a question about it. If money is tight then your husband is perfectly reasonable in his attitude.

2nd option, if you aren't in control or aware of finances and have good reason to think you are in a better position then your husband let's on then that's something you need to address regardless of your spendings.
However 2 dinners is still unreasonable and spoilt
And packaged snacks should always be considered a treat, and not regular sustenance.

amother

Floralwhite

Yesterday at 5:45 pm

What does one-option dinner mean?

Only one item of food, or a few foods?

I mean if he's only offering plain pasta, no protein or the other way around, then yes, that's really not the norm.

Just want to clarify this point. To understand if one option means only one actual food item or one set of food items.

imaima ↓

Yesterday at 5:47 pm

I can’t comment because I don’t read whether or not you can afford more and your dh is just too frugal, or can you actually not afford more.
Because the phrase in the title alone is really manipulative and I would be mad.
„I don’t bring you so we don’t ever get what all the household members want“ is a very sad idea for the household members. I think he should try and buy things that people like every now and then if not regularly.
But if you can’t afford them, then you can’t.
And no, your kids don’t need school snacks in the night